Tam's Tangents

Warning Signs

2011-06-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

First, a story.
Every year when the kids get out of school and the weather starts getting warmer, I would sit in our morning news meetings as we discussed what news stories we should do about the weather.
"Send the weather guy go outside and really try to cook an egg on the asphalt."
"Let's get the cute blonde reporter to go on a boat and dive in the water."
"We can show the many ways people are getting relief: going to the movies, visiting the local water park, and show people walking around with hats, umbrellas, and little batter-operated fans."
Most of the ideas we pitch were ones we'd done already. It's hard trying to come up with the next gimmick to show that it's hot. But the stories will be told again, and again, and again. Kinda' like the water-skiing squirrel.
There's another story that unfortunately comes up every Summer, and we newsies have to tackle the challenge of telling a tragedy in a delicate manner. That story is about drowning. And it happens all too often. In fact, my sister-in-law told me that her neighbor's child recently drowned and it's affecting everyone in their world. How could it not?

Okay, so this is something I saw today and thought I'd pass along to you. This article gives the real-life warning signs of drowning. What really happens is totally different from the dramatic, arm-flailing, teen-shrieking depictions of drowning we see in the movies. Instead, a drowning person remains quiet, vertical, and could somehow go unnoticed only a few feet from you.
Check out the article and have a fun, safe Summer!

Bragging. Writes.

2011-04-27T05:43:00.006-04:00

The questions people tend to ask when they see me these days...
1. How's the book?
2. How's married life?
3. Did your brother and his wife have their kid?
4. They have SEVEN?
5. How are you liking Los Angeles?
6. Do you miss New York?

Most of these questions have simple answers.
My book has taken up most of my brain space for the last two years and has whittled away all that was left over. And I likely don't have the best outlook on Los Angeles because I don't really go out a lot. My life isn't as exciting as I could make it appear on Facebook or Twitter with carefully crafted over-exuberant phrases like, "I love living so close to Beverly Hills!" or "The sun is SO GORGEOUS out here!"... which really means it looks awesome outside my window.
I guess I could tell people that life is a constant adventure filled with galavanting around Hollywood and meshing my life with celebrities. But let's be honest. That was really more like my life in New York. I had size 2 jeans, a great paycheck, and lots of people who I called "friends" while others called them "famous."
I do miss all that. But really what I miss are the guys who sat on front stoops grilling outside every day of the Summer, the walkability of everything, sitting outside a restaurant and seeing friends pass by, and the random dudes who would check me out.
Seriously, I think I might miss that the most.
The sensible side of me would suggest that I don't hear cat calls anymore because I have a ring on my finger. But any wise woman will tell you that rings don't dissuade a man from a good opportunity to give a woman a compliment. After all, most common cat calls go something like this.
"You married?"
To which most single women respond, "yes," assuming it will end further questions... to no avail.
"You love him?"

Pretty much I'm in the land of no cat calls because:
A. my days are filled sitting in my apartment with my cat, snacking and typing while wearing my (size 8) sweatpants.
and B., Los Angeles is a city where people drive. Gone are the days of momentary intimate conversations between me and random dudes who likely find joy by hitting on every woman walking down the street.

Every time I'm asked, "Do you miss New York?" - or any time that I think back to my life pre-now - I have to remind myself that it's not just the city that I miss, but it's also the constant surrounding of human interaction, no matter how unwelcome or bizarre. These days my constant interaction is with cupcakes, jelly beans, procrastinating visits to the refrigerator, and brisk walks to the corner Starbucks for my glimpses of crowds, celebrities and the five seconds of real life human communication with someone asking me what size I'd like of my hot chocolate. I even give my real name when they ask.
Things have changed.

I constantly remind myself that if the potential for friends - or even cat calls - is as far in my past as my size 2 pants, then I will be okay. Because I still have my dreams of changing the world, one word at a time, making my never-ending battle with a book seemingly "worth it." I have love in my heart that I share with the few people I see, reminding me that love is grand, even when it seems small in scale. I still hold onto the hope that people everywhere will somehow hear my muffled voice shouting with joy, no matter where I am. But most of all, I have to realize that being in the trenches is often the most teachable part of the journey. And because of that, my dear friends, I cannot forget (although, admittedly, too often I do), that God has not forgotten me, but in fact, He's been blessing me this whole time.

What's in a name?

2011-01-21T12:54:00.003-05:00

For the past year I've been trying to figure out my new name.

Boys don't have to deal with this. They are born as Sam Smith and they stay that way. Girls? We have somehow traditionally been stuck with the decision making. Shall I just take his name? Should I keep my maiden name? Should I hyphenate?

A few years back I was really anti-name-change. I had just started dating a guy and we were sitting among a bunch of friends when this same discussion came up. From across the room he argued, "WHY wouldn't a girl change her last name? That's so dumb. She's part of a new family now, so she should change it."
"Um..." I piped in earnestly, "I'm not changing my name."
We stopped dating.

When I married Mr. Johnson I quickly became Mrs. Johnson. Maybe it's because I was in my 30s when I married. Or maybe it's because I had my whole career using my maiden name. Or maybe it's because there is only 1 Tamara Duricka in this world and (according to all-knowing google) there are more than 1,094 women named Tamara Johnson... I've been having a hard time with the switch. This has been a bit more than an identity crisis as I try to figure out which name to stamp on the front of my new little book.

These are the thoughts that go through my head...
*I did this project using my maiden name, so keep my maiden name as part of it.
*I'm married now. This is about a cynical girl who wanted to be better at dating and was surprised when she ended up married. Be sure to use your married name somewhere.
*Use all three names. It'll be fine even though it's a mouthful.
*Don't use all three. No one should, unless your name is awesome like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Besides it gives away the ending.
*Johnson is simple and easy to pronounce. The maiden name isn't, so drop it.
*There are already at least three other authors who have used 'Tamara Johnson' (two with a middle initial)
*Go totally different and use your given middle name: Tamara Jane Johnson. It's cute.
*No. No one knows you as that name, why would you use that?
*Does it really matter? You will be lucky if anyone other than your mom actually reads that thing anyway.

I've chatted with a few women who've debated their name changes over the years. They get married and use their married name. Then they change back to their maiden name at work. People think she got divorced. Or she actually gets divorced. And then maybe she remarries.

In some ways, I hate the fact that women have been forced into such a traditional role. Just as that old boyfriend said to me in heavy defense, "Women should change their name. You will be part of a whole new family! What will your children call you?"
"MOM."

But this name-changing opportunity does give us a chance to own our own identities. What do we want people to call us? How much of a statement is a married woman making if she chooses her husband's name? Is it an even bigger statement when she doesn't?
I have a friend who took her husband's last name when they married only under the condition that he take her maiden name as another middle name. Apparently it was much more difficult at the Social Security office for him to add a middle name than it was for her to change her last name.
Is this all too archaic? How important is it really?

I think of dear Samuel Clemens, who would still have been one of the best authors of all time had he stuck with his real name and not gone with Mark Twain. Does it really matter what we call ourselves? Isn't it more important that we deliver something substantial to the world than what we call it?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (Act 2, scene ii)

When my parents divorced, my mom kept her married name. That way people would know she was our mom. Plus, the paperwork is a hassle. Then she remarried and considered keeping my dad's last name. My step-dad wasn't too keen on that idea. So she changed it to what is apparently the most popular Irish name: Pat Kelly.

What do you think about your name? Have you changed it? Would you?

(I'm also posting this on my 31 Dates blog)

Dreams and Theme Music

2010-11-16T13:36:00.003-05:00

I was just chatting with a friend about those moments in our lives when we're pursuing - or even living - our dreams, but we feel like frauds.

During grad school, I felt as if I were a fraud the entire time. I was just waiting for someone to discover that I had no idea what I was doing and then, in a very stern voice, ask me to leave. I cried most days.
And then I started to work on my thesis. I holed myself up in the radio lab and spent weeks working all night, sometimes even taking naps on the floor, using my coat as a pillow. I had somehow remembered that even if I hadn't gone to a big-named undergrad, or I didn't have the same newspaper background as my classmates, or I hadn't published a book, I still loved to work and give storytelling my best shot.
Eventually, I realized that maybe I wasn't a fraud as much as I was just a work-in-progress.

Same goes for my never-ending journey to define myself as a writer. I spend my days writing, thinking about writing, reading about writing, and still. I can't help but think I'm a fraud.

And then there was my friend, who is busily working at all hours of the day as an interior decorator, her lifelong dream. She dresses like a decorator - fashionably draped in fine cloths and textures with a touch of something fun, like an unexpected colorful broach. She talks like a designer, seeing the world through its visual beauties. She easily points out the details that make a room, a person, or even a joke special. And yet, as she finds herself swimming in stores surrounded by thousands of fabrics, she's not so sure if she's got it all together.

Yesterday, she received a little bit of validation after a visit with her old college professor, who's - of course - impressed with her work. Here's a little bit of something she just shared with me:
"I really needed that step back from my life which I tend to get overwhelmed and stressed and insecure about, and to realize that I actually am doing what I want to be doing. And that I am pretty successful. I don't think I knew that about myself. Lately I tend to feel like I am failing."

Oh!!! How glorious is that?! She is such a success already! Yet, she's in the midst of those trying, delicate moments when we are wanting - so badly - to be great at something. We are trying so hard, that all we can see are the mistakes!
Don't we all do that? We make so many mistakes along the way, that we somehow think, "I'm no good at this at all."

We are all taking our journeys up the mountain. And with each step closer to the top we think, "how much longer is it??" Sometimes we feel all like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up only to fall back down to the bottom. We stand, yet again, at the bottom of the mountain and look up wondering, "Can I do this?"

Sure. There is much to be said for people who really aren't good at certain things. There are times we need to reassess, accept defeat and disappointment, and take our lessons to move on. Those moments are humbling and beautiful.

But there are also the times when we are working so hard to keep fulfilling our lives that we forget about all the work that's already been behind us. And all the potential that remains ahead of us.

Are you in the midst of something great, but there is so much ahead of you that you feel overwhelmed by the remaining part of the journey?

Here was my fleeting advice to my dear, successful friend:
"Sometimes i feel like my "love story" is super lame and that I'm super lame. "There are days we all feel that way. Okay, let's be honest... there are MONTHS we all feel that way. But nah. You're doing so well. You're living your dream! You just kinda forget that you are because you don't hear all the theme music."

How easy to forget! As we are living our dreams today, let's turn up the inspiring theme music in our minds and remember where we are really standing.

A Whole Lotta Love. But How Much Life?

2010-11-12T15:11:00.005-05:00

What's your priority these days? Are you living your life the way you want?

Sometimes I feel like I go to bed every night and all I can think about is how I'm not of any use or being as useful/efficient/helpful/hard-working as I need to be. Hmmm... actually, I'm pretty sure that's how I feel every night.

So I'm starting to think about all those beautiful sayings that tell you how to live the life you want:

"Be the change you want to see" - Ghandi

"We become what we want to be by consistently being what we want to become each day." - Hugh B. Brown

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” - Albert Einstein

"One Day at a Time" - A.A.

"I yam what I yam" - Popeye

How do you live your life? Is it in line with how you want to live your life?
I once had a bishop who would tell us, "How you're living your life today will help you predict what your life will look like six months from now." I thought that was smart.

I guess this means I need to get moving so I can start going to bed at night without so many regrets...

Do You NaNo???

2010-11-02T13:48:00.002-04:00

I love November. For a million reasons.

I love the Fall and everything about it. The crisp air. The beautiful trees. The feeling of change whipping through my heart. It's wonderful. Every November I feel as if I'm falling in love. The whole month.

This month I'm stepping things up a bit. This month I'll actually get outside and work out. This month I will finish this darned draft. And this month I will be more grateful. Would you like to join me?

November is National Novel Writing Month. The challenge is to write 50,000 before midnight, December 1st. If you feel like writing with the thousands of other people who have signed up, find me online and we can be cheerleaders for one another. (I'm a great cheerleader!!! Go! Go!!!)

Also, this November I would like to focus on gratitude. A few years ago, a group of my friends emailed each other once a week. We all listed what we were grateful for and it was inspiring. I'm spending this month in gratitude mode. Gratitude is one of the strongest tools we can use when we're looking to improve our relationships. Once a week, let's think of what we're most grateful for. I'm going to post a little something on my 31 Dates site. Every week, I'm looking for little posts of things you're grateful for. We'll call it... Thursday Thanks. Or something like that. (You know I love me some good alliteration.)

Life is good. And can be even better if we allow ourselves to see it that way.

I am a Writer?

2010-11-01T18:12:00.004-04:00

I'm a little ambivalent about titles. On one hand, I feel as if they can pigeon-hole us: the cool kids, the dweebs, the nerds, the band geeks, the jocks. On the other hand I feel as if titles give us... well... a sense of entitlement. Or empowerment: esquire, president, CEO, secret agent, supermodel, superhero, etc.

Over the years I've traveled through a bunch of titles:
Actress
Singer
Daughter
Sister
President
New Kid
Lonely Girl
Popular Girl
Sorority Girl
Nerd
Producer
Unemployed
Girlfriend
Wife
Couch Potato
Runner
Marathoner
(and back to) Couch Potato :)

Yet there's been one title I keep struggling with over the years: "writer." Have we talked about this already? I feel like I talk about it all the time.

When I was a kid, I remember holding my first "published book" with pride. We were in third grade and had been assigned to write a book titled "All About Me." The book was about 6 pages long with one sentence per page. In the school's office, it was spiral bound with a laminated cardboard cover. Inside you would read about, well... me. I had a big brother and a cat named Maxinne. I wanted to be an actress, a hairdresser, or a lawyer. At the end, it was followed by an "About the Author" page, which listed the same information.
I thought it was a treasure -- and certainly I was sure it was the most brilliant piece of literature ever created.

I wrote for fun. Or for comfort. Poems and prose got me through my tough teenage years. Journaling helped me feel as if I had an outlet.
In college I majored in English because it made sense. It balanced out my theatre major, which was "fun." The double-major in English would make me appear "serious." Graduating in three years would make me appear "super serious."
I fell into my career naturally. Having both parents as journalists (mom, a print reporter and dad, a photojournalist) would mean the apple wouldn't fall far from the tree. My dreams of becoming a hairdresser/lawyer/actress had fallen behind and my dad easily tricked me into the news business.

For years, I spent my days writing and producing stories and newscasts. I received a master's degree on fellowship from the world's best journalism school. I became a network news writer. I joined the Writers' Guild. I even landed a book deal.
And yet, even with those pretty endorsements, it has still been a struggle for me to identify with this title without following it with a question mark: I am a Writer. Period.

Sometimes I believe this struggle to call myself a writer is simply because I don't feel as if I write well enough. Or often enough.
My self-criticism serves as my limitation.
My grammar is strong. But my vocabulary could be stronger.
I compare my rough drafts with published works.
My discipline is weak.
My ideal of what a "writer" is somehow seems greater than I could ever hope to be.

And then I think of Mile 8.

As I was training for a marathon a few years ago, I would spend every Saturday morning waddling several miles, adding a couple miles to each weekend, slowly (very slowly) building up my endurance to 26 miles. I had never been a runner.
During high school I was well aware of my lack of coordination. I much preferred the camaraderie and kilts than the actual athleticism of my team sports. I happily took my place on the field hockey team playing "left bench." Lacrosse was no different. I stood in the goal, watching the rest of my teammates skimper up and down the field, praying no one would toss the ball my way. If we were challenged to run a mile during practice, I would gasp and walk and grip my aching side.

Who was I to sign up for a marathon?

I had worked my way up to eight miles in training. Eight miles without dying! It was then, that somehow I knew, no matter how slow I would end up, I would some day finish a marathon. I wasn't fast. I would certainly not win a marathon. But I spent my mornings donning a race cap and running shoes. I was slow. But I was dedicated. And by merely getting out the door in the morning, I was a runner.

So today, as I continue to fear my editor's deadline, to compare myself to "real" authors, to feel the weight of the world peeking over my shoulder and criticising every word I write, I will take a few minutes to allow myself to waddle into the world as a writer. I might tip toe my way to the end of my book. It might not resonate with any readers. But for today, I am showing up to write. I am committing to my title without question mark.
Today, I AM A WRITER.

Biology 150 (and how it still influences my life)

2010-09-27T13:58:00.003-04:00

This is an email I just sent to an old college professor. I felt like sharing it with you too. Thank you to you teachers who push us to excel!

Hi Dr. Jorgensen,
I hope this finds you well.
I'm not sure if you remember me, but I took your Bio 150 class when I was a freshman at Roanoke College. I remember listening to my roommate complain about your class during the Fall 1995 semester. She spoke of how you were a tough teacher and how "no one can ace his class." I took that idea as a challenge, thinking, "I can ace his class." As an English/Theater double-major, I had no specific interests in biology, but I had much interest in proving to myself that I could stand up to a difficult challenge.
I enrolled in your class the following Spring semester with high hopes of easily making an "A." My roommate was right. Your class was the toughest I'd ever come across. The material seemed dense, too difficult for me to comprehend, but I was determined to ace your class.
Even though I feared the ridicule that would I would face from other students, I bought a tape recorder, placed it on my desk, and started recording every one of your lectures while taking meticulous notes. At night, I would listen to the taped lectures and type them up, word for word. The repetition of your lectures helped me considerably.
When it came time to take your tests, I revisited the material and made a bunch of flash cards, hoping to trigger the details of all-too-confusing cellular structures. Over the next few months I found myself falling in love with biology. I started to find the mysteries of human structure and development fascinating, I looked forward to every class, and I relished in my studies.
I kept my schedule packed, blending my intense study time with my participation in choirs and plays and of course, having fun with my friends. And there were many times my studying called for sacrifices. I can recall a Friday night when I was reviewing the material for an upcoming test in your class. I sat in one of the study rooms in my dorm, Marion Hall. My friends would pass by and head out the door, stopping to ask me when I would be done studying so I could meet them at a party. I told them I still had a little more material to cover and would hopefully make it out later. I remember clearly one friend who said, "Why are you studying on a Friday night? You'll forget all the material by the time you take the test on Monday anyway." I shrugged my shoulders and got back to work, making sure not to mention that the test was not on Monday, but on Wednesday -- I was studying five days in advance.
While those months of listening to lectures and absorbing every little detail about the class taught me much about biology, I learned so much more about myself than I ever could have imagined. I learned that I loved learning. I loved working hard and proving to myself that I could do the unthinkable. I taught myself how to study. I figured out ways to teach myself new material. There are days that I think back to those flash cards, those Friday nights in the study room, those difficult tests, and I somehow feel as if I can do anything if I just prioritize and work hard.

I did ace your class.
At the end of the semester you asked me to consider Biology as a major. "Biology?" I thought, "but I already have two majors." The idea was tempting, though.
I don't regret majoring in English or in Theater. Every class I took at Roanoke College was well worth the hard work. I graduated from the school in three years. I worked as a television news producer and writer for twelve years, most recently at Good Morning America. I received a full-tuition fellowship from Columbia University's Graduate School of Journalism. Now I'm writing my first book.

Sometimes I wonder if professors know how much of an influence they have had on the lives of their students. I'm sure many teachers gauge their success by the number of students who manage to succeed in their career field. But there are those of us who see you as a success merely because you inspired us when you didn't realize it. You served as an example when you thought no one was listening during your introductory-level class.
Thank you for being the teacher who keeps pushing his students. I can only assume being a difficult professor has its drawbacks. No one loves the teacher who makes life hard. But for me, your pushing made all the difference in my life.

The PNW

2010-09-10T14:29:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure if the people in the northwest think of us as crazy California drivers or unforgiving New York drivers, but apparently we don't fit in on the roads up here. The first day we were here I was flipped off in Oregon. I figured the woman was extra antsy because our rental has Washington plates.
And then Evan was given the bird in Washington. So they hate us there too.

Other than that, it's been a great trip so far.

On a side note...
Tonight is Stand Up to Cancer, a cross-network televised fundraiser for cancer research. I love this. Most of you know, cancer has played a big part in my family life for a long time. Over the years I've done a few fundraisers for different types of cancer. This particular fundraiser is for collaborative cancer research. Check out their website or watch tonight at 8pm (7central).

Back in the Saddle...

2010-08-26T17:09:00.007-04:00

Hi friends! Just a quick update on love and life. I'm loving life and am adjusting to the California sunshine (even though I still miss the lovely NYC!).
The rest of my life has taken a little longer to adjust! As I keep being reminded, change comes quickly but the transition is sometimes slowwwwww!

In my ever-changing career, I'm learning what it's like to be my own boss. It's hard! No more complaining about The Man unless I'm willing to complain about myself!

I set up a new website that I'm pretty excited about. And I gave the dating blog a lil' makeover. Things are a-changin'!
Some of you have asked me about my book (thanks for asking!). I've started it over a few times. I guess working in news has trained me to easily kill my work if it doesn't feel relevant (or good). But then... I started liking what I wrote! And then my hard drive died. (so sad!) I was pretty bummed about losing a few chapters; I was heart-broken. It felt kinda like a really hard breakup. One of those really painful breakups that takes a before having the desire to get back in the game. It's still kinda a touchy subject. Ouch.

BUT! Now I'm back in full-swing. It helps that my book deal has finally gone through with all the appropriate signatures and my editor (whom I LOVE!) is rooting me along. So that's fun.
The book world is a really strange business. I feel like I've learned a lot along the way about what it takes to get a book published (let's be honest, I've been the luckiest woman in the world with that and will be forever grateful). Books take so much work to get onto those little shelves! I have an even higher respect now for writers than ever before!

I'm also learning how lonely writing a little book can be. I'm used to focusing on my work while surrounded by the chaos of a busy newsroom. I miss having people around. So sometimes I'll work with noise on in the background. Or I'll head to the outdoor market/mall nearby and will pretend all the passersby are my co-workers. They really are a delight to work with. No one complains about anything!

We're lucky to live fairly close to my mom. Somehow she seems offended if we don't bring our dirty laundry over to wash at her place. She loves us.
And we're about an hour away from one of Evan's brother's place... the other "T&E Johnson" home. It's good to be so close to family.

We have one car and Evan walks to work. The New Yorker in me is still into walking. I miss New York. Have I mentioned that?
For the first few months, I would cry any time I was reminded of New York. I would whimper at songs about the city. I would compare everything to the days gone by ("y'know, we don't even need a car in New York," or "they have the best cookies/crepes/bums in New York," or "I'm pretty sure I weighed 10 pounds less in the city."
I would even get choked up if I watched Law and Order, gazing at the yellow 'caution' tape draped outside bodegas or entrances to subway stations. But now my tears are replaced by the joy for the life I have here with my handsome husband.
Of course, I feel like we had more friends back in New York...

See? I'm making a little bit of progress.

My New Life

2010-02-17T14:12:00.005-05:00

I guess I should mention...

I quit my job and moved to L.A.

check out more wedding pics from MegRuth photography here

And now we're married!

Yes, life is blissful.

I'm pretty excited about everything ahead. Moving, marriage, and my new "job" is an adjustment for sure. I'm grateful for all of it. I feel really blessed.

I really am enjoying being married. I truly believe marriage is the modern-day miracle. It has taken me a lot of personal growth and gratitude to get me to the point where I would marry my dream man. I am still in shock about the whole thing. Maybe it'll really hit me soon. Evan is the greatest blessing I have been given so far in my life. He really is amazing and seems to be a never-ending fountain of love and support.

I had a very eventful last year (or so) and I am feeling like this year will be quite busy as well. I just signed with an agent, so we'll see what happens with the book. I guess I need to finish writing it...

I might also start a new lil' blog for Evan and I to keep you updated. We're debating relevance and format.

For now, I'm happy to report that we're getting settled into this new, fantastic chapter of our lives. It's a happy adjustment. I am going to write, to be a wife, to continue being happy, and I'm going to allow more miracles to unveil themselves in my life.

This is the best so far...

On Holiday in New Hampshire...

2009-10-13T19:10:00.005-04:00

{A Story...}

Here is Evan after waking up early (9:00) to take us out on a canoe:

Here I am apparently paddling on the lake:

But here is what I was really doing the whole time he rowed:

Here we are being silly on a little island in the middle of the lake:

Evan: Tam, what kind of a face would you make if you were really mad at me?

Evan: Okay, now what kind of face would you make if I got down on one knee like this... and... pulled this little box out of my pocket?

This is how happy I was after he asked me to MARRY HIM!!!!!!!!

This is the proof that we are now ENGAGED!

And here we are, so excited to get married in just a few short months! Yayyyy!

{more details to follow! for now, email me your address! yay!}

"Nothing is Impossible"

2009-08-30T05:35:00.009-04:00

This weekend people are remembering Senator Ted Kennedy. But for me, Teddy has always reminded me of my dad... especially one of my favorite stories about the two of them.

In 1973, Kennedy's son, Teddy Jr., had his leg amputated at 12 years old because of bone cancer. Most of the pictures shot afterward showed the pre-teen on crutches with a distraught look on his face. But after the family arrived home from the hospital, Dad was the person the family asked to do a private photo shoot showing how Teddy Jr. would prevail and live a happy life.

I tend to think of this photo as one that shows more than just the strength of a young boy.

Dad and Senator Kennedy were friends. Over the decades that they worked together, they didn't meet eye to eye politically, but they were both hard workers who respected one another. I look at this photo (shown below) and see the strong relationship my father had with the people he worked with and the trust they had in him. For many years, the photo hung in our home, reminding me of perseverance, good work, humility, and friendship. Dad never made a big deal about his photos or the stories he covered, but his strong work ethic and friendships resonated strongly and clearly then and still do today.

Now, Senator Ted Kennedy lies alongside his brothers - and a stone's throw from my father - in Arlington National Cemetary. Kennedy's funeral was attended by hundreds who remembered the man known as the gruff lion in the Senate and the warm-hearted lamb among friends and family. Here are some words from Teddy Jr.'s eulogy about his father, and the day that forever changed his life and attitude.

"He was not perfect, far from it. But my father believed in redemption and he never surrendered. Never stopped trying to right wrongs, be they the results of his own failings or of ours. But today I'm simply compelled to remember Ted Kennedy as my father and my best friend.
When I was 12 years old I was diagnosed with bone cancer and a few months after I lost my leg, there was a heavy snowfall over my childhood home outside of Washington D.C. My father went to the garage to get the old Flexible Flyer and asked me if I wanted to go sledding down the steep driveway. And I was trying to get used to my new artificial leg and the hill was covered with ice and snow and it wasn't easy for me to walk. And the hill was very slick and as I struggled to walk, I slipped and I fell on the ice and I started to cry and I said "I can't do this." I said, "I'll never be able to climb that hill." And he lifted me in his strong, gentle arms and said something I'll never forget. He said "I know you'll do it, there is nothing you can't do. We're going to climb that hill together, even if it takes us all day."
Sure enough, he held me around my waist and we slowly made it to the top, and, you know, at age 12 losing a leg pretty much seems like the end of the world, but as I climbed onto his back and we flew down the hill that day I knew he was right. I knew I was going to be OK.
You see, my father taught me that even our most profound losses are survivable and it is what we do with that loss, our ability to transform it into a positive event, that is one of my father's greatest lessons. He taught me that nothing is impossible."

Edward Kennedy Jr., rides on his father's back, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., as they sled down the hill in the front yard of their home on Monday Dec. 26, 1973 in McLean, Va. (AP Photo/John Duricka)

Freedom Is[n't] Free

2009-07-09T11:20:00.014-04:00

These last few days, I checked off a few long-awaited (and free!) activities off my list. Friday night Evan and I headed up to the Highline.

I had read about it and wasn't sure what the big deal was other than that it was an elevated park. But once we made our way up, it was clear what all the excitement was about!

The park is created on old rails and it incorporates the tracks within the landscape design.

My favorite were these lounge chairs that not only fit on top of the tracks, they also rolled along them!

The next morning, Evan met me after work in Times Square and we got an early start on our Fourth of July plans. We headed to the Intrepid. It's a WWII aircraft carrier and was one of the coolest spots I've been in the city. We got in for free, thanks to the Bank of America free museums program.

Evan totally geeked out!

Okay, I guess I geeked a little too...

There was so much to see!

Along with the carrier and the planes docked on the deck, there was the Concorde and a submarine. We didn't see the submarine because of the hour-long wait, but everything else was so impressive.

And free for us!

That afternoon, we headed to Battery Park for a free concert with indie rockstars Conor Oberst and Jenny Lewis. We ran into some favorite familiar faces there... along with thousands of other indie hipsters. I took a little nap and awoke to a huge crowd that reminded me of Portlanders... from the way they dressed, danced, smelled... all of it.

This year the fireworks moved to the Hudson. We headed down to 14th Street. Since police blocked our way to the pier where our friends were sitting, we stood in the streets with a few million of our closest neighbors. We couldn't hear the music playing along, so Evan chose to sing instead.

Our view was okay. Above the crowd, the street lights, and beyond the buildings was quite a lovely display.

We moved our scheduled bbq to Sunday since we didn't have enough time on the Fourth. Evan was pretty stoked to grill this huge slab of beef that he bought in the meatpacking district. You can find great deals there!

As the token vegetarian in the group, I enjoyed the smell of the steak and the taste of the cupcakes. YUM!!! We had a really great 5th of July BBQ with our friends and then I caught up on some much-needed sleep. Still, I had to get up early the next morning for my next adventure...

This year, tickets to Shakespeare in the Park are extremely hard to get. The play is free, but you have to wait in line to get tickets -- two tickets are granted to each person. And since this summer Anne Hathaway is starring in Twelfth Night, the tickets are really hard to get! Kathryn, Russell, and I headed to the line in Central Park at 7:00am and there were already 400 people in front of us. We weren't sure what our chances were. The first bunch of seats are given to sponsors, and there are also many set aside for the virtual line. In a 1,900 seat theatre, we were sure we had a chance.

At one point, a member of the staff came to talk to us, and announced that before us stood the people sitting near the Rock of Hope, then those near the Tree of Possibility. As for us, we were sitting on the Grass of Uncertainty.

At 1:00pm, after six hours of waiting, we didn't get in.

So the next day we started earlier. At 5:30, we had a bigger group show up. We brought a survival kit, including donuts, games, and rain gear. We were much closer, with maybe 100 people ahead of us.

And we got in!

It was one of the best shows I've seen in a really long time. It was so good it made me cry! Yes! At a comedy! :)

So far, the summer of free fun has been going rather well. I hope yours is going great too!

Fun for Free!

2009-06-10T13:58:00.007-04:00

This Summer, I'm giving myself a little goal. I hope to hit up two free activities a week. Living in New York makes this really easy. Not only are there a lot of recession-friendly deals, but the city has lots of Summer-time sponsored events at museums and in the parks.

On Saturday, Evan, Megan, and I hit up the Bronx Zoo. We each got in free with our cards from Bank of America. Every first Saturday of the month, BOA sponsors free admission to 100 venues across the U.S. So if you have a credit or debit card or whatever, check out where you can get in for free!

At the Bronx Zoo, the must-see exhibit is the one with the gorillas. In addition to the cost of admission, it's $3. Not a bad deal when you get in for free!

I loved the gorillas so much. There were about 10 gorillas in all, including three toddlers chasing each other and an old silverback who was lounging around.

I wanted this one gorilla to fall in love with me and run away with me King Kong style... and then I found out it was a girl.

Hm.

Then last night was the annual Museum Mile. The museums on the east side were all free and open late. We wanted to see the Guggenheim.

Evan and I planned to meet up on the west side before heading over. And he ran into our friend Mitzi who was heading to meet her fiance, Tony! What luck! Tony had been waiting in the long line for the Guggenheim, so luckily we got in without having to wait.

It was so cool inside! I loved the Frank Lloyd Wright architecture. He designed it so that it was conical, which allowed us to take the elevator to the top and just walk the spiraling ramp to the bottom.

I was excited that the museum was filled with art from my two favorite eras: Impressionism and Modern. So much fun... for free!

My First Fondant

2009-06-02T12:38:00.007-04:00

I always wanted an EasyBake Oven.

Instead, I pretended our kitchen was a restaurant and made up menus listing the few items I could make: hot dogs, toast, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches... the classics. I can't remember how much I charged, but I'm pretty sure that I was willing to negotiate for nothing.

I inherited my sweet tooth from both sides of my family, and although cooking meals has yet to come naturally, my love for baking desserts seems to just keep growing. I guess I just figure there's a lot of intimidating science involved with the accuracy in cooking. But baking seems harder to mess up... (Although the infamous "Salt-for-Sugar Swap" of '85 in our brownies was a baking benchmark for me and my friend, Jenny).

I have since learned to be a little more patient with myself. A little. In the past I've spent time teaching myself how to create yummy cookies, cupcakes, and pies. More recently I've been wanting to become a little better at making cakes. Recently, I finally took a stab at making a cake with fondant on top. Allison (quite the savvy cake-maker) gave us some advice. It was followed by a last-minute phone call for help to Michal, who might be one of the best cooks I know.

Okay, so here's what we made. A four-layer chocolate cake with raspberry and whipped cream, plus buttercream with fondant on top.

The marshmallow fondant was quite the adventure to work with. I guess the big thing that we quickly learned was to grease the countertop before working with the fondant. We ended up making it work, but it was just a little messier to clean up than it would have been had we greased the counter.

We dyed some fondant and used the Spring colors to make a Spring-themed cake.
Look! Pretty flowers...

Evan added a butterfly... and a sun with - of course - sunglasses. (I'm sure there's something existential about that). Oh... and I made some grass with a lil' bunny hiding.

And Megan was kind enough to add a ladybug (cute!) and a caterpillar.

It was not only the cutest cake ever but also one of the yummiest! :)

Self Motivation

2009-05-06T19:14:00.003-04:00

I think... if I post on this blog, I'd like to make it a venue of "Good Vibes Only." So I want to post things on here that make me feel good, and hopefully some things that might make you feel good too.
Today I needed some words of wisdom on writing.

So here's the deal. I've been writing. A bit.
There's this book I'm working on. Maybe you've heard of my insane dating project that somehow landed me a lil' interest from: the book world, Hollywood, and a handsome beau. I'm writing up my adventures - along with some tales of dating woes and wonders and magical moments of finding visions of hope while in the depths of despair - and am hoping to compile it in book form soon-ish.

In reality, the book feels very, very possible. Extremely possible in fact. But I have been standing in my way of getting it done. Some call it writer's block. But I believe the only block standing in any writer's way (or anyone's way from his own success)... is himself.

I took a break from writing for a few weeks. And I've successfully come up with a few excuses as to why...

One.
It's not really an awesome feeling writing about my failed relationships in a way that "takes the reader there." Ouch. For real. Let's just photocopy my journal, shall we? Very humbling. And it makes me ornery.
Not attractive.

Two.
I am not giving my life enough credit. I keep thinking this book is basically my take on a sort of memoir... when my life is not even a third over yet (I expect to live FOR-EV-ER). And I keep thinking my life is not interesting.

Three.
I have been feeling like I suck at writing.

So I went to a writer I really respect for some inspiration.
Here's what Liz Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love) has to say:

"As for discipline – it’s important, but sort of over-rated. The more important virtue for a writer, I believe, is self-forgiveness. Because your writing will always disappoint you. Your laziness will always disappoint you. You will make vows: “I’m going to write for an hour every day,” and then you won’t do it. You will think: “I suck, I’m such a failure. I’m washed-up.” Continuing to write after that heartache of disappointment doesn’t take only discipline, but also self-forgiveness (which comes from a place of kind and encouraging and motherly love). The other thing to realize is that all writers think they suck. When I was writing “Eat, Pray, Love”, I had just as a strong a mantra of THIS SUCKS ringing through my head as anyone does when they write anything. But I had a clarion moment of truth during the process of that book. One day, when I was agonizing over how utterly bad my writing felt, I realized: “That’s actually not my problem.” The point I realized was this – I never promised the universe that I would write brilliantly; I only promised the universe that I would write. So I put my head down and sweated through it, as per my vows."
-Elizabeth Gilbert

So...... I think that makes sense. I need to throw out my excuses and just write.
I really do.

--------------------------------------------
Here's the thing. I'm not posting this whiney complaint in an effort to lure fantastic compliments my way.
Really.
I just wanted to post something to give myself some motivation. Plus, I want to start making this blog a haven for the good words of good people. So there you go.

Do you have any cool phrases you've heard recently that have given you a boost?
What motivates you???

One More Reason...

2009-04-24T13:25:00.004-04:00

Wednesday night I was talking about this cool walking mystery tour around the city that I wanted to do (kinda like "How to Host a Murder" but out and about). Neil Patrick Harris had mentioned it about a year ago on the Regis and Kelly show and I've been trying to track it down ever since.

The next day, my friend, Dan, and I headed to the Starbucks across the street from work. And who walked in behind me wearing a black leather jacket and sunglasses??

That's right.

Neil. Patrick. Harris!

As I waited for my grande hazelnut hot chocolate, I gently touched Neil (we're on a first name basis now, apparently) on the arm.

"I was just talking about you last night!" I said. "What's the name of that mystery tour around the city?"

"Accomplice."

"Is it an all-day thing?" I asked.

"No, only a few hours."

Um....

So there you go. More cool moments and serendipity giving just one more reason why my life is awesome. That was such a cool experience! Right??!

Okay, so here's that tour (they also have it in L.A.).

And here is some more Neil Patrick Harris joy that you will love!!!

Westward Bound

2009-03-17T20:42:00.000-04:00

heading to P-town next week. Interesting that so many people have mistaken that term for Provo and not my beloved Portland.
But yes, I will be in Portland soon and can't wait to see family and friends! There's a baby due in the fam next week, one of my old work buds is having a going away party, and Krikava is gettin' hitched, so good vibes are all around! :)
In other news, I just got a Blackberry and can already tell it will require some sort of intervention to tie me away. In fact, this is my first attempt at blogging from it.
In the meantime, I'm enjoying a blissful evening in the city with Becca and Amy and whoever else arrives. We will be venturing a journey across these united States with our most favorite game ever, Ticket to Ride. And they are in search of counter space while I type.
Good times had by all.

Joy in the Journey

2009-02-25T14:46:00.003-05:00

I've kinda been walking around doing my own dance of joy lately, singing to myself, "I love my life!!!"

It's true. The Bonnie-cat has been getting a daily dose of blissful serenades and has been watching me awake with excitement for every new day. It's good times.

And in honor of my giddy jigs, I bring you a classic from Balki Bartokomous and Cousin Larry...

Dumping Him

2009-02-16T09:01:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to let you know that after a very on-again/off-again relationship, I have finally put my foot down and ended it with Michael Phelps.
I am likely just as heart-broken as he, but sometimes you just need to make the difficult decision to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

The Campaigns are underway...

2009-02-12T00:18:00.002-05:00

Apparently, the competition is brewing out there! First, there was this....

And now... there is this!!!

I love it!!!

College

2009-01-29T11:27:00.002-05:00

I'm so grateful for my years at Roanoke College.
A few weeks ago I learned the school wanted to profile me for an online article. The writer was actually a sorority sister of mine, so it was good to reconnect!
Here's a look at what she wrote!

We're Ready for Liftoff...

2009-01-15T11:36:00.002-05:00

So, today I launch a new adventure.

As you might know, I recently turned 31. In celebration of my 31st year, I'm doing something fun for 31 days.
Today is day one.

Feel free to visit my new site for the next month to follow along!

More Cheers for PB&J

2009-01-08T19:27:00.000-05:00

Something to Chew On...

2009-01-07T16:48:00.010-05:00

When I was a kid, I didn't know that jelly came in any other flavor than grape. In fact, when I was first introduced to the strawberry variety, I was wary to give it a try.
I can remember vividly sitting with my friend, Brian Abner, as his mother would make us sandwiches after pre-school. I requested the mine be made with the jelly on top.

Brian wanted his on the bottom.

He also wanted his cut in squares.

Me? I wanted mine cut into four triangles. I thought it had more "surface area."

I have no idea if I actually knew what the term "surface area" meant at that time, but for some reason the claim made sense to me. I would eat my sandwich happily with a smarty-pants smile on my face, while Brian had to suffer his way through his square-shaped mockery of a meal.

He, of course, thought I was nuts.

Today. My inner child and adult neuroses have been validated.

Check out this information I found out:

The most important issue in cutting a sandwich is the resulting crust ratio of the bread. I have found a way to reduce the crust ratio on a sandwich without cutting off and disposal of the crust. Cutting off the crust would be wasteful. Now the assumption I made is that the bread slice is approximately a square. If the bread is not a square then the following argument and calculations still hold, it would just be more difficult to prove.

You see, if you cut the bread into four pieces by bisecting each side of the whole sandwich orthogonally then the resulting pieces each have four sides. Two of the sides have crust. Therefore each smaller sandwich piece is 50% crust.

But, if you cut the sandwich into four pieces by cutting the whole sandwich along the two diagonals then each resulting piece has only three sides. Only one of the sides has crust. But that crust side is longer than each of the two remaining sides. Assuming that the length of the two shorter non-crust sides are 1 unit each, then Pythagora's Theorem tells us that the crust side is 1.414 units long. The total circumference would be 3.414 units long. Thus this smaller sandwich piece is 41% crust.

Therefore the sandwich cut along the diagonal has 9% less crusty sandwich pieces! That is an improvement. The conclusion is we must all cut along the diagonal and our society will enjoy less crust in our lives and hopefully more meat.

source: damon4.com

For a long time I was a die-hard fan of creamy Jif. In fact, I would keep a jar in my desk at work. It caused such an interest in the newsroom that there ended up being a divide among us: those who were for creamy versus those who favored the crunchy. We even used our polling agency to survey the northwest: Which is better? Creamy or Crunchy?

The debate even continued further in our office to fighting over Jif v. Adams (a natural brand).

Today, I use the natural peanut butter. But I'm sticking with the creamy version. How about you?

Another important PB&J moment to be remembered:

Bender: PB&J with the crusts cut off. Well Brian. This is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mother marry Mr. Rogers?

Brian: Uh. No. Mr. Johnson.

Watson

2008-12-17T12:23:00.001-05:00

My best friend died.

I've been trying to write this entry for about a week, but quite frankly, I'm still kinda in shock about the whole thing so please forgive its tardiness.

Of course you know about my sweet Watson. He was such a big part of my life that it would be difficult for you not to know about him.

Typically, after someone would ask how I was doing the next question was always, "How's Watson?"

I miss him.

Every year, he would make Santa's "Naughty" list, but he was still the best dog out there.

I miss the way he would follow me everywhere. His soft ears. His innocent eyes. The way he would run in his sleep. His bark at the doorbell. How he'd play ball with himself. His excitement about anything. His silly dances. His morning "doga" moves as he made stretching noises like Chewbacca. I even miss how he would try to eat everything off the street.

Watson was a very stubborn, determined rascal. He had many fights over chicken bones and bit many people in his pursuits. Somehow, people managed to forgive both of us for his naughtiness. He always meant well, but somehow that appetite and big nose of his always got him into trouble.

He was destructive.

Soon after I got him he ripped up my specially-designed couch from Ethan Allen. He ate the backseat of my car -- and most of the seatbelt. He ate my iPod. He probably ate your lunch at some point.

He was good at being bad.

So why do I miss him so much?

Because in the midst of it all, he was worth every sacrifice I made for him. He was very loving and (surprisingly) obedient (sometimes). His personality was like no other dog I'd ever met.

When I first saw him at the pound, he was caged with a beautiful golden retriever. I wanted a beagle because I'd read that they were good with families and I figured I should be safe and get a "child-friendly" dog in case I had kids.

There sat Watson. Quiet and serene. He was kind.

I found out after adopting him... he was also high. He had been neutered that day and was still feeling the effects from the drugs.

But by that time, we had already become attached to one another; he quickly turned into a velcro dog, complete with every aspect of separation anxiety when i would leave him.

He was a handful.

And I miss him.

His sister-kitty, Bonnie, and I have been adjusting to the silence of our home. I still hear the other dogs in the hallway and wake up saying his name. I still feel sadness when I don't get to walk him. And I just miss seeing his sweet face around.

His death was extremely sudden and unexpected. He was diagnosed with visceral hemangiosarcoma -- an extremely cruel and aggressive cancer that appeared as two lumps in his heart. The doctors believed that he'd had it only a few weeks at most -- which is how long most dogs survive with it.

He showed little signs. But last Wednesday night, he was unlike I'd ever seen him. I took him to the Pet E.R. and I honestly thought he'd make it. They removed 90mL of blood from around his heart. He perked up and was his usual sweet self. But the next morning the bleeding returned, worse than before.

Watson's breathing had slowed, his disposition soured... he was an unhappy puppy. And it was time.

All too quick for me.

I will never know how old he was.

I hope he's saving a spot for me in Heaven. We often speak of the Celestial Kingdom, but honestly, I am aiming for the happiness of the Animal Kingdom to be near my best of friends.

I miss you sweet boy.

This Christmas I will watch "Marley & Me" and think of him. That lil rascal touched my heart in many ways I never thought possible. Pets just have a gracious way of teaching us how to live in the moment and to love and forgive no matter what.

If you have any stories of Watson from the naughty or nice list, please share them with me. He was a bonehead for sure, but... to me he was the best bud I had.

This is what it's come to...

2008-12-08T10:12:00.003-05:00

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelos David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (next goal!)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury (just got out of jury duty! thanks Maren!)
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day

(thanks rustin!)

Thankful

2008-11-26T16:10:00.002-05:00

pretty much happy as could be.

thank you for being in my life!

Explain Yourselves...

2008-11-19T19:40:00.003-05:00

And now from the files of Tam's Dating Tips...
(many years have gone into this investigation, so try not to judge too hard here, people.)

Do you Mormon types remember back in the day when Elder Oaks said this little ditty:

"If you don't know what a date is, perhaps this definition will help. I heard it from my 18-year-old granddaughter. A 'date' must pass the test of three p's: (1) planned ahead, (2) paid for, and (3) paired off."

So, I ask...
How far ahead do you think it means when he advises one to "plan ahead?"

I have recently been a witness to something... and I'm wondering if this is a syndrome of sorts.

Guys are asking girls out at the very, very last minute.
"What are you doing after work? Wanna go to a movie?"

Ummm....

What should a woman assume from this?
a.) he thinks she doesn't have plans
b.) he thinks she should dump her friends and hang out with him instead
c.) she is totally jonesin' for a date with him that she'd drop anything last-minute
d.) he's desperate for some female companionship and thought of her
e.) his friends ditched him and he's looking for a back-up plan
f.) something else

What's the deal here? If he really thinks she's that desperate, then why is he asking her out anyway?

Another question:
What goes into whether a guy will ask a girl out on a second date? And how long should he wait?

Also pulling from the "Back-in-the-day File"...
please take another look-see at this and lemme know what you think.

Comments, friends. I'm lookin' for some feedback here.

Fall. Fun. Friends!

2008-11-04T17:34:00.005-05:00

Heart you Sara!

Our Fall adventure northward. Funny... we didn't take any pictures of leaves on our foliage-finding adventure!

How bout them apples?!!!

Trick or Treat?!

2008-11-01T00:55:00.004-04:00

What was Watson for Halloween?

Why, Sherlock Holmes, of course!!!

Since he didn't get any candy, he opted to eat my old iPod instead.
Atta boy!

Off the Radar

2008-09-06T18:01:00.004-04:00

A few of you have asked about the blog.
I'll be in absentia for a while.

Where exactly is Absentia?... :)

My Wonderful, Bitter Friend

2008-09-03T14:13:00.002-04:00

Melissa Bitter is one of my friends here in the city. She also happens to be a great photographer. She also happens to have done a shoot of me in January and just posted the pics.

What do you want???

2008-08-29T16:18:00.004-04:00

My thoughts as of late have been pretty simple. I've been trying to figure out what I want: out of life, love, work, play. All the good stuff.
It's been pretty great thinking and acting on all of it.
I've been debating a couple jobs and wondering if either is what I actually want. Or do I want something totally different?
Anyway, this journey of joys and desires is fun so far. It includes learning some new skills, continuing my current loves, enhancing my strengths, taking some trips, lots of pampering, and adding in a few (or maybe many) risks. :)

It's also made me think a lot about one of my favorite scenes from one of my most favorite movies, "The Notebook" (Don't judge!), and I keep hearing Noah Calhoun asking me sternly, "What do you WANT?!!"

Um... I want Ryan Gosling. Does that count?

Offer Up a Prayer

2008-08-28T13:55:00.002-04:00

About the Nielsen's (according to their site):

On Saturday, August 16, 2008, Stephanie Nielson was in a plane crash with her husband, Christian Nielson, and his flight instructor, Doug Kinnear, near St. Johns, Arizona. Doug Kinnear passed away soon after arriving at the Maricopa County Hospital.

Christian & Stephanie remain in critical condition at Maricopa Burn Center. Christian has sustained burns on over 30% of his body. His wife Stephanie’s body was burned over 80%.

Feel free to check out their site to learn more about their situation. And please, offer a prayer for their lil family.

One I'm Workin' With

2008-08-18T06:20:00.003-04:00

Ether 12:27

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

My Boyfriend, My Hero

2008-08-16T23:36:00.002-04:00

We started dating about four years ago. It was true love. Honestly. There was just something about him that I absolutely adored. I knew he was like none other.

And then. Well. He had a little mishap. And I had to break up with him.

But recently I took him back. And he continues to amaze me.

Isn't it nice to know that after receiving 8 medals in Beijing, he can also have me as a prize?
What a lucky boy he is.

Braincation

2008-08-15T18:56:00.003-04:00

I have decided to go on a braincation.
I will not be thinking until further notice.

But check this out... look how smart my brain is... I mean, it did come up with that clever little ditty, "braincation"...

Oh wait, no. No, it didn't.
Our friends at UrbanDictionary.com say that it already exists! So maybe my brain was already on "off" and my cleverness is just a lil behind the times!

Interesting.

braincation: A vacation for your brain to escape stress.

No Plan = God's Plan...?

2008-08-13T14:59:00.002-04:00

So... is that what letting go really is about? Deciding that I will not make any plans and see what God brings me? Or do I make a plan, have a desire, and say, "If that's Your will, then I'm in?"

I've realized the No-Plan Plan has been in effect for a while... and all of a sudden all these opportunities are presenting themselves to me.

Thoughts?

Thank you Lord...

2008-08-12T17:00:00.004-04:00

for the crisp breezes in the morning reminding me that Fall is near... and the sweet sense of changes ahead.

NY Housing

2008-08-11T11:16:00.002-04:00

To my NY Peeps...
I have a friend who is moving to the city soon and is looking for an apartment. She's really, really great: smart, fun, and genuine. She'll be studying for her M.A. out here for the next couple years.
Anyway, I have no idea who reads this blog, but I figure it's just one more way to get the word out. Let me know if you hear of anything!

The No-Plan Plan

2008-08-10T23:27:00.004-04:00

Recently I've been discussing the Plan of Salvation, the Plan of Happiness, my own game plan... and I've realized that I have no plan!

Interesting.

Is this really possible? No plan? No goals? No crazy "what-can-I-get-my-hands-on-next?"
ME?
How did this happen?!

I "plan" to relish in my newly-adopted irresponsibility! Ha!

"If you wanna' make God laugh, make plans."
-Laura's mom, back in the day.

May I Retract My Choice Now???

2008-08-08T15:40:00.000-04:00

John Edwards... Are you freaking kidding me????

Voting

2008-08-06T13:09:00.002-04:00

Do you know who you're voting for?
I seriously have no idea. Which is actually a surprise to me.
Neither of my candidates (one a Republican, the other a Democrat) won the spot in their primaries, so now I'm not really sure which of these guys I'm leaning toward.

Let me know. I'm putting up another poll on here, so if you feel to respond that way, that's great. Or feel free to make a quick comment or shoot me an email on who you're supporting and why.

I'm not looking for you to sway my decision. I'll be making that on my own.

What I'm most interested in knowing is this:
How heavily do each of these weigh in your consideration: his policy and his personality?
(Please actually think about that question before answering)

So far, I'm voting for Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton Responds to McCain Adfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Brick Walls

2008-08-01T11:48:00.002-04:00

A few days ago Randy Pausch died. He was a professor at Carnegie Mellon who gave his Last Lecture last Fall, soon after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was recorded and downloaded onto youtube, where it has been viewed by millions. It was also turned into a best-selling book.
I quickly hopped onto the Randy Pausch bandwagon, joining the 10 million viewers of his moving talk about the importance of life and achieving your dreams.

Our network did a few long stories on him, and I was actually supposed to interview him once but apparently that didn't happen.
Anyway, stories like his are those that move me and remind me why I got into the business in the first place... and what life is really all about.

One of the things he talks about is the brick walls we face in life. He says that the brick walls are there not necessarily to stop us but to see how badly we want something. The brick walls help weed out the weaklings. And they help prove to us our own strength.
Randy mentions that sometimes those brick walls are people! He uses his wife, Jai, as his biggest example. He was 39 when he married. He says it took him so long to find someone who he cared more about than he cared about himself.
And their marriage was extremely admirable.

I've been thinking about brick walls recently. What are my own brick walls? And how badly do I want those things that they are standing in front of? Am I willing to do what it takes to knock them down?

If you have an hour or so, check out Randy's inspiring talk. He lived a life - at least in his last years - with his priorities straight. At the top was love.
I hope to do the same.

Bon Iver

2008-07-30T22:22:00.000-04:00

This is Russ's current fave from Bon Iver.

Bon Iver

2008-07-30T13:34:00.005-04:00

Last night Russ and I cashed in his birthday present -- tix to see Bon Iver. He's pretty rad! The show was sold-out at the Bowery Ballroom, but we managed to get ourselves in! And it was SOOOO GOOD!!!

The artist is Justin Vernon, who has taken the pen name, Bon Iver -- from the French words "bon hiver", meaning "good winter."

A couple winters ago, he spent four months in his father's cabin in northwestern Wisconsin after a breakup. He says he headed there because he "just didn't know what to do with his life." He tells Reveille Magazine, "It was the first time I could really hear myself. I had my finger on the pulse of what was happening as it happened. Having the time and space allowed me to listen to my inner voice. When you’re in a city and constantly playing shows and are worried about how your band’s doing it’s too easy to get distracted. "

He had a few tools: one guitar, a baritone guitar, bass drum, a snare drum, a horn, and reverb pedals. And out came his album, "For Emma, Forever Ago."

Check him out!!!

You can hear my fave of his on my playlist to the right -- the song is called "For Emma."

And Russ's fave is here, "Stacks."

Most Amazing Blog Poll Ever

2008-07-24T15:07:00.006-04:00

Goodness. After much dispute that I should split up the dating poll because the numbers would allegedly show a HUGE difference if we divided the questioning among men and women... alas, the numbers are STILL divided.

THE RESULTS:
Girl Poll: If a guy asks you out and you know for a fact that you're not interested and there is NO chance for a future, what is the proper response?
Go anyway! It could be fun! And you could end up liking him!
7 (36%)
Go anyway! No harm there. And he might have cute roommates!
6 (31%)
Don't go. And be honest that you're not interested. Don't waste the poor boy's time getting his hopes up!
5 (26%)
Don't go. Be kind. Even if that means making something up!
1 (5%)
If you really don't want to go, then don't. And if you can't come up with a reason, don't call him back.
0 (0%)

Boy Poll: If you ask a girl out and she knows for a fact that she's not interested and there is NO chance for a future, what is the proper response?
Go anyway. Give me a chance to work my Man Magic. I could cast a spell you didn't expect!
3 (30%)
Go anyway. We could have fun and that way I don't have to go alone to something I'd do anyway.
2 (20%)
Don't go. Why waste anyone's time? Just be honest. I respect that more.
5 (50%)
Don't go. But be kind. Even if it means making something up.
0 (0%)
Don't go. And it's okay if you don't return my phone call to let me down.
0 (0%)

Forgive me for not contacting our polling unit to interpret the data. My experience from stat classes in undergrad and grad school will have to do.
I am curious now... what are the intentions of the pollees?
Are people more interested in:
hanging out?
or finding someone to marry?

This is largely a rhetorical question.

Mostly, we can deduct that we all agree that it's not cool to ignore someone when he has the guts to ask you out. I've been given thank you upon thank you for being real with a guy and letting him know my interests lied elsewhere. So ladies, please... if a man puts his Friday night on the line for you and you're not interested, please have the decency to tell him your dance card is full.

Having Fun with Failure

2008-07-23T14:55:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking that fantastic query, "What's next?", once again.
I feel as if I do this all the time... trying to find more excitement and ideas in my life. I have a few ideas brewing and have given myself some deadlines to get started... and those days are creeping close!

Mostly I'm grateful for the "real life" I have created outside of work.
Don't get me wrong, my job is fun. I typically downplay how much I enjoy it, but I suppose that's because I enjoy the other aspects of my life even more... like playing with friends and such.

As I was searching for some inspiration today, I ran across J.K. Rowling's commencement speech at Harvard. I'm not typically on the "I heart J.K." bandwagon, but this is a great speech if you're looking for a little boost to follow your dreams... or to figure out what dreams have yet to manifest themselves.

Sunset

2008-07-21T23:27:00.003-04:00

Why I am the "Cool Aunt"

2008-07-21T23:25:00.003-04:00

Deconstructing Dating

2008-07-16T15:04:00.004-04:00

So... in regards to the poll...

I'm posting another poll. This time I'm splitting it up for men and women respondents. I've had a couple guys tell me to split it up. They both said, "I bet if you poll just guys they'll say such-n-such." Their assumed answers were complete opposites. :)
I find this funny.
How come we haven't talked about this unsaid "rule" before?

Here's the poll question again:

If a guy asks a girl out and she knows for a fact that she's not interested and there is NO chance for a future, what is the proper response?

The poll results (from men and women):

Go anyway. At least it helps you both practice dating. (And who knows - he could have cute friends!)
12 (40%)

No way. Don't go. Be honest. Why waste anyone's time?
12 (40%)

Don't go and let him down easy, even if it means making up a reason.
6 (20%)

So what's the deal here?
I tend to believe that if I'm not seeing anyone else at the time and the guy doesn't give me the creepy vibe, then I'll go. Why not? It'd be a good time.

But then there's the other argument: I'm not looking for any other guy "friends". I have plenty of friends. I'm looking for a keeper, not just a "good time." So if I'm not interested, then why waste my time -- or his?

So please, let's continue to discuss. And please vote!
And all you "marrieds" -- please weigh in too. What would you have done? Or what have you done and regretted/celebrated?

My Grandma always said...

2008-07-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

"Only boring people are bored."

Dating Poll

2008-07-15T15:37:00.001-04:00

For those of you who read through the Reader, will you check out my latest poll? This was the result of a recent conversation I had with a couple friends. So please vote, give me your feedback on this, and we will hopefully discuss in a couple days. What do you think?

If a guy asks a girl out and she knows for a fact that she's not interested and there is NO chance for a future, what is the proper response?

Fun and the Ferry

2008-07-15T15:23:00.004-04:00

Lumina came into town this weekend!!! And can you believe, the only proof I have are the beautiful flowers and the toothbrush she left behind. Sheesh!

Sunday we had another lovely family dinner. Quite fantastic. Plus the picnic for the Halls.

Nope.

No pics of that either.

But last night Russ and I headed over to Staten Island on the ferry. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time. And I caught a few pictures as we waited for our ferry on the way back to the Better Borough.

Here are the VIPs (very informative pics) I'm sure you were dying to see...

The Best Answer to Keeping Something...

2008-07-11T00:00:00.001-04:00

Let go.

Mark 14:34-36

(thank you Krikava)

Spooning With Russ

2008-07-10T02:04:00.003-04:00

Last week was Russ's birthday. It was a blessed day for so many reasons... the primary reason of course being the celebration of his existence. Another reason: discovering that the World Record for the Most Spoons Balanced on the Face stands at 16... and that our dear Russ has a solid chance of beating it.
Leah only had 10 spoons... and Russ put 'em to work.
I give you...
Spoonman.

And now you understand why he's so awesome don't you??

(p.s. Micah, sweet job on the editing. We should hire you at the ABC.)

4th of July

2008-07-07T10:30:00.000-04:00

Best 4th BBQ ever!

Something Amazing Just Happened

2008-07-03T00:38:00.007-04:00

And it was all because of one man.
Thank you so much, Ryan Simmons.

Something very strange and beautiful happened in the mix of Mormons at a gay bar. (ahem... a "cabaret" mind you... with rainbow flags outside... but still, I suppose not technically "gay." Thanks for the correction Ryan -- who is not gay, but makes me happy.)

As a side note, some new computer program changes the word "gay" to "homosexual." Last Sunday the site using the program changed Olympic hopeful Tyson Gay's name to read "Tyson Homosexual". Um... yeah...

And look! I finally got to meet Andrea's sister!!!

Such a great night! Congrats on such a great show, Ryan!

I had to...

2008-07-02T18:53:00.002-04:00

Thank you Micah for sending this my way... It has brought much joy (and sadness!) to the people here at the ABC.

Happy Birthday Darren!!!!!

2008-07-01T01:35:00.002-04:00

I love you Bro! You're the best ever!!!!
You're numbers 1, 2, and 3 in my book! :)
Cheers to another year for the Greatest Bro on Earth!

Feeding God's Army

2008-07-01T01:16:00.004-04:00

When I lived in Portland, one of the things I looked forward to most every week were Sundays. I loved going to church and hearing about the gospel, seeing many of my friends in one place, and then heading down to my brother's for a family dinner. It set a great precedent for me, keeping Sundays the day for those things most important.
In New York, I've been able to create a pretty awesome family of friends. (Seriously, these people are way rad.) Every now and then we've been able to have a really great family night on Sundays... and now we're trying to pick that back up and make it a weekly event.

So this past Sunday, we went to Connie's. A few of us receive vegetables every week through our local CSA group, and Connie cooked up the entire lot. Um... YUM!!!!!
The big guests of honor were our ward missionaries, who are some of the neatest guys! I absolutely adore missionaries. I so wish I'd gone on a mission (oh!!! Some day!!!! It will happen!)

I'd been wanting to meet with the missionaries and have them over for dinner for a while, so this was a really exciting evening. It was so great talking about their lives as missionaries and how we could help them as ward member missionaries. (For those of you in my Sunday School class, I'm sure you'll get an earful!) :)
I loved our family night!!!

A Hunting We Will Go...

2008-07-01T00:55:00.005-04:00

This weekend marked the First Annual Inwood Scavenger Hunt Extravaganza. The lovely Corina spent several hours scouring the northern part of the island looking for tidbits of history and mystery. On Saturday morning, we split into groups and tried to conquer the quest.

Our group, which Holly appropriately named Team Frisky, was on a roll. We quickly spotted all the clues and enjoyed some really great conversation along the way. We even saw some cool things that weren't on the list, like this lil' WigWam! The day just verified that Manhattan - and my friends - are pretty much the greatest ever.

We were pretty much the best team to ever scavenge a hunt. We were headed for a win as we wandered up to the Cloisters, but as the day dragged on, our feet seemed to drag a bit more slowly. The deadline to return was quickly approaching and we decided to avoid the rush to the finish, keep our friendships intact, and declare ourselves winners no matter the outcome.
Upon our return we found that the other teams were equally as exhausted and educated. It was such fun times!!!

Blind Date

2008-06-28T19:11:00.017-04:00

Lately I've been in the mood to do some service acts. Yay! It's been keeping my schedule packed, but I enjoy it!
This week was Youth Conference for our stake. As part of it, I spent Friday downtown with one of the greatest guys in the world, Marcus.
We were there to help out the youth from the stake who were on a scavenger hunt.
We headed out early and met up at City Hall Park with our fearless leaders.

We then headed down toward an area called Old Slip. It's not too far from a spot where we got to see the Brooklyn Bridge. And the Waterfalls exhibit had just started up. I was glad to see it! Last month I had the chance to interview the artist, Olafur Eliasson, about the project. His accent was so thick and I could barely understand him, but I was still pretty impressed with his huge "green" art! Check it out!

Next assignment -- food. (Thank you buttered bagel.)

We then waited for several groups of youth to find us.
The kids were given clues based on the song "Amazing Grace." Their clue for our assignment:
Amazing Grace!
How sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost but now am found,
was blind but now I see.
Head to Old Slip and help someone who appears to be in need!

So... Marcus pretended to be blind while the kids tried to help him down the street. Thus, he was my blind date for the day.
Get it?!
BLIND??!!!
Ha!

sigh

The youth didn't really seem too hyped about helping Marcus. Some of them even let him fall to the ground! Talk about the blind leading the blind!

We also talked with them about the history of the area and its links to the LDS church. I was so stoked to learn this stuff. I quickly committed the facts to memory and was so happy to share it with them.

But check this next picture out! I'm all excited about talking to these kids about church history... and are any of them looking at me?? That one girl looks asleep! Glad to know I was so entertaining.

We'd then give each group an envelope which contained another clue, sending them on their way to learn more about the history of our church in the city. How fun!

As the day lingered, it grew hotter and hotter. Some of the kids found a bit of relief from the fountain.

This was actually a really great day. I met some new people in the stake, which was SOOO exciting!!! And would you believe... I made a really great contact for my book project AND I was invited to the stake history dinners every month. Fun!!!

Another really, really cool part was that I got to learn a bit about church history in New York. So here are some facts for ya!

*In 1832, Joseph Smith traveled to the city with Bishop Newel K. Whitney. He stayed at the Pearl House on Pearl Street (now replaced with a parking lot). Joseph wrote to his wife, Emma, about the buildings that were "truly great and wonderful". He was speaking of the three and four story brownstones, which were the tallest in their day.

*In 1845, more than 200 Latter-day Saints boarded a ship at Old Slip called the Brooklyn. Each family paid $75 for each adult and half of that for each child. They sailed from New York, down to the southern tip of South America, and up toward the west coast. They left in November and - SIX MONTHS LATER - arrived in Yerba Buena, California (now known as San Francisco).
About one-third of those Saints eventually traveled to Salt Lake City.

And now you know!

Fizzlin' the Funk

2008-06-27T12:23:00.003-04:00

Somewhere along the line I'd forgotten my own mantras over the past few months. Weird.
Among my most favorite personal mottos?
"It's all about attitude."

I think I've hit a bit of a turning point.

Wednesday I played hookey (or took a "mental maintenance" day) and spent a few hours with the lovely Corina. I absolutely adore her. Every time I'm with her I believe that I become even more of a soulful human being than ever possible. And somehow she seems to think I give her a boost too. It's a win-win. Combine that with some seriously solid friends, incredible nights celebrating the city, pedis with Rachel, and hangin' with Holly... it makes for a good dose of vitamin G.

That's "G" for goodness.

Today it's "G" for grateful.

I've been thinking a bit lately about what's missing. Why have I felt so unsettled? And I've come to realize that I really think it has very little to do with what's missing and more to do with what I have.

How have I allowed myself to get by being so ungrateful?

Ten years ago I was working the overnight shift in Roanoke, Virginia. I was making $17,000 a year and I was worked to the bone. I had designed a new morning news show that won the title as "Best Morning News" in the state. It was tough, tough work.

I would head into work at midnight - the only person in the station - and would build up a newscast from scratch... writing, cutting video, editing my own scripts. Around 4:30 my anchor would show up and get her makeup on. By the time the show rolled around I was exhausted. It was a two hour newscast and we were a small crew. We were a strong team and stuck together.

I was worked tirelessly and slept very little the two years I worked there.

And I loved every minute of it.

Every day after the show was over, I would sit in the control room and watch the Today Show, waiting for our three minute local news cutaway at 25 minutes past the hour. I vividly remember leaning back in a chair with my feet kicked up near the old Grass Valley switcher watching the show and thinking anxiously, "someday I wanna produce for a show like that!"

And today, I am. Here I AM!

What an incredible feeling knowing that I can whisper to my soul from 10 years ago, dreaming of network news by saying to her, "As you wish! In due time!"

It makes me think about the hopes and dreams I have for today. And I know that somewhere down the road there will be a sassy seventy-year old whispering to the me from today those same words!

I'm so grateful that I have dreams! And that they come true! How can I actually spend my time moaning and groaning over what I don't have when I'm forgetting the awesomeness of everything that's already in my life? I mean... let's get real here, y'all. I'm pretty much livin' the dream!

It's true!

Look at this lil' life I have here. I have conquered my career goal. I live in such a great little place in New York City. I have about a thousand friends. Literally! I have an incredibly loving family. I have my master's degree. I have run the marathon. I have endured trials. I have a deep feeling of love in my heart.

I love God. And even more cool -- I know He loves me! And I am totally, totally diggin' the goodness all around me.

I have want for nothing.

Sure. There are things I would love to have right now. And of course, there are days I just feel dismal. But to be honest, I've got a pretty good gig goin' on here. And the more time I spend bemoaning about what I want and don't have right now, the more I'm missing the blessings that I have right now that I spent so much time thinking, "I wanna do that someday."

This isn't a case of the "grass is always greener" as much as it is about getting the gratitude. I love dreams and tend to dream big. And I await dreams coming true and additional blessings that I can't even imagine.

Truth is truth.

Goodness is all around us. It's just up to us to see it, right?
A challenge, I suppose, is just keeping that attitude and not getting pulled down by all the bad ju-ju.
Recently I was feeling pretty hopeless. It's true. In the midst of feeling great, I had a day of feeling despair. Ugh! Utter pain! And bless Holly. Always the woman with a good pick-me-up, she urged me to write 20 things that I was grateful for. And I was not in the mood. I really wasn't. It was pretty much appealing to me only because it was a good excuse to make a list. And goodness knows, I'm pretty much always up for making a list of something.

It has helped tremendously.

So this is my latest medicine... making my gratitude lists and actually not slacking. It's one piece of the puzzle that I've been trying to piece together as of late. It'll be interesting to see how I feel tomorrow.

Today is a good day.

true love

2008-06-25T15:10:00.002-04:00

Micah sent me this as a good quote for today...

"True love is not so much matter of romance, as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of one's companion."
-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Oh, Ophelia!

2008-06-24T13:27:00.011-04:00

A while ago I made a list of things I really wanted to do around the city.
Shakespeare in the Park.
Check.

Last night I saw "Hamlet". I've seen around a dozen or so versions of this show so far, and for some reason, I always forget that they tend to last nearly four hours (oy veh!). Somehow we made it through!!!

I heart Hamlet. (Well, in truth, I heart Polonius, but still...)

(Newsday Photo / Ari Mintz / June 16, 2008)

When I was pretty young I was kind of a reverse-snob (I suppose now I claim to be just a regular snob). I thought all the people into Shakespeare were weirdos. It was one of the many, many lessons in humilty I would learn in my life. As I learned more and more about the "Complete Works," I fell in love with it. And I suppose, as Hamlet is likely my most studied, it's also one of my most favorite. (I'm still a sucker for "Midsummer" and "Much Ado".)
I guess I'm at the point where I await particular lines to see how they will be delivered, I wonder if the scene with the Players will, once again, be my least favorite or actually exciting, and I long to get into the director's mind and assume his/her intentions.

One thing I really love about Hamlet - and of many of Shakespeare's works - is the theme of self and identity. From the start of the show to the finish, the script is full of questions similar to those we ask of each other and our own selves.

The opening lines:

Bernardo: Who's there?
Francisco: Nay, answer me; stand and unfold yourself.

The words of the ghostly king trickle eerily throughout the show... "Remember!"

And that very question with which we're all familiar: "To be, or not to be".

As Hamlet loses his own self to a debated form of "madness", he struggles to simply remember who he is. And poor Ophelia is caught in the crossfire.
Now, take note. I usually am not too lured in by Ophelia. I mean, sure, I feel sorry for her. But mostly I have just seen her as a chick who made a bad move in her choice of men. (Seriously, sometimes Hamlet is just nuts.)

(Newsday Photo / Ari Mintz / June 16, 2008)

But last night, I really found myself connecting to the poor gal. Same with Hamlet. I could see that he truly loved her, but for whatever reason, he just couldn't be with her. And Ophelia took it so personally, as if something were wrong with her; she felt as if she were wrongly kicked to the curb and didn't understand why all of her hopes and dreams were ripped from her. Intense.

Mostly though, she spoke a line last night that has been lingering through my head over and over.
I think I've missed it before:

Lord, we know what we are, but know not what we may be.
Act IV, scene 5

No matter how self-aware we are (or think we are), we don't ever really know how people perceive us... nor do we know what may become of our own selves. And sometimes - maybe even much of the time - we're actually just fooling ourselves.
How can we tell when and if we are truly in line with our own selves? And no matter how hard we try to stay in line, is it possible to always stay on track?

I've been talking with a number of friends about this very topic lately, and it keeps intriguing me. How do we know if we are truly remembering who we are? Or if we're even a degree off?
I believe the Atonement helps keeps us on track, and I know that I'm trying my best to "be real" about who I am. Sometimes I feel off course, but I know, that above all, the Lord wants me to be in line with Him and with the soul I was truly created to be... or not to be. :)

Integrity. Living your truth. Whatever you want to call it, it's simply about not being afraid of the beautiful you that just simply is... and standing up for the goodness that lies within you.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Act I, scene 3

use-tuh-could

2008-06-23T09:47:00.008-04:00

I sang in church yesterday with a few of my friends. I was actually nervous! Thankfully we prayed for help and the Spirit was present. We somehow pulled it off. (Good idea on the praying for help, Holly!)
I quit voice lessons last September, and I have felt rusty ever since. Hmm... no. I think I felt rusty even then.
Yesterday people kept telling me, "I had no idea you could sing!"
My response: "I used to be pretty good."

It made me think a bit about where I've been and where I'm going. And where I am.

I started singing as a wee pup. I dreamed of Broadway and probably would have made it if I'd given myself the chance. I was on a roll. But I made other choices and now... I hum melodiously as I walk down Broadway. Does that count?
Goodness knows, I miss singing so much. Living in New York doesn't offer much in the department of "sorta singers." These people are pretty "profesh", and I have no intentions on setting my sights so high anymore. So I settle for Sunday's hymns and the Messiah Sing-along at Christmastime. For today, it's enough. (MOTAB will have to wait!)

Last night I was with some friends and we all voiced some dreams for 20 years from now. I spoke of a blissfully boring life: raising a family of smart and grounded kids, volunteering with the school and in the community, helping the women and girls of the world, and being married to a man who still took me out on dates and held my hand. From the viewpoint of a hard-nosed career girl who has somehow accomplished most every goal she can get her hands on -- that life seems pretty dang rad!
We each then dreamed of what life would be like in just three years, which some people were scared to talk about! My dreams were once again simple. They involved a family, scaling back my career, and a few personal challenges: publishing my first book, teaching a class at a university, run another big race, and I'd really like to have taken a sailing class by then. Maybe more Spanish too.

But more than anything, I dream of continuing a happy life filled with the twists and turns that we each are thrown on a regular basis. I keep learning the lesson that I actually have very little control over what happens next. But I dare to dream! And I learn more and more about allowing miracles into my daily life. It's pretty great.

The other night I was walking home from work and conversing with the Lord. It's a time I feel meditative and reflective and has become something I look forward to most every night. (Watson has also started taking me on longer walks in the morning, which just adds to the bliss! Thank you for being you New York City!)
Anyway, along my walk I thought of what it would feel like if I could feel all the emotions of my mortal life in an instant. From past to present to future... embracing my entire lifespan of hopes, miracles, accomplishments, loss, disappointments, monotony, heartache. What does it all feel like in the end? Does it all add up to pain? Happiness? What?
As I looked up to the sky I spotted the glorious full moon watching over me, reflecting its timelessness from above. I was overcome with a deep feeling of love. Joy. Excitement!
Isn't that what this is all about? Walking through the mysteries and miracles of life, and somehow finding the light of joy within it?

I know. I've been in reflective writing mode lately. It's good for me. Helps the healing. I've been writing in my journal every day too. It's been phenomenal. I highly recommend it.
For me, writing is a great way of exploring my thoughts and remembering who I am.
Sometimes I forget.
I forget that there is this booming voice residing within me awaiting its own resonance.
I forget that there is a mother and a wife patiently waiting for her time to arrive.
I forget that I am a daughter of God, made with purpose.
And I forget that all of my blessings are already here... even if I haven't experienced them yet.

So thank you for muddling your way through my thoughts with me. I've been finding the joy in my journey. I have no idea what awaits me next, and I relinquish that control.
I can't wait to see what happens.

finding synonym

2008-06-21T15:10:00.003-04:00

fu-tile: (fyōōt'l, fyōō'tīl')
adjective

1.
incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful.
2.
trifling; frivolous; unimportant.

Origin: 1545–55; fūtilis, futtilis: easily broken, vain, worthless

on life and science

2008-06-19T00:00:00.000-04:00

“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” -- Charles Darwin

...and faith

2008-06-18T16:44:00.006-04:00

Thank you.
Your words have meant the world to me!
Honestly, I can feel your prayers -- and I know they are working!
Absolutely incredible.

1 Nephi 7:12
Moroni 7:42

Bless You Snapple Cap

2008-06-17T14:40:00.003-04:00

HOPE

2008-06-14T20:29:00.008-04:00

I had an interesting argument today at work about a story we're doing on gay marriage. I felt as if the story they planned to air was way too biased toward gay marriages and not recognizing that well over half of America is extremely against it. On my side was a gay man.
I found myself as a minority, arguing a side of morality against a group of people who seemed a little more accepting of the changing times than I felt necessary for myself or my viewers. I feel as if the story is still coming off balanced in favor of gay marriage, which is not a fair representation of our viewers' opinions.

Plus, tomorrow is Father's Day... Are you serious? You want to do a story on "Yay We're Gay" on Father's Day?
Sorry. It just seems a bit of poor producing in my mind. I suppose I need to accept that I now work in an environment where I am merely an advocate and not a decision maker.

Marriage is important to me.

When I was 11 years old, I started praying for my husband. I began praying on a fairly regular basis that the Lord was taking care of him, preparing him for me and I for him. I continue similar - yet more specific - prayers to this day.
As a kid, I also opened my first savings account and I remember thinking excitedly that it would be intended for my kids' college fund -- interestingly, not my own! It still sits in the bank.

I've always wanted kids and have always had the desire to marry. But for some reason, the kids seemed more plausible to me. The husband... I was never so sure about. I wanted to marry, but I was pretty scared of it. I had no idea what kind of man I was in store for. I'd dated some really great guys, but none really resonated as the "husband type" to me. Some of my boyfriends wanted to marry me, but I just didn't feel like they would be a good fit in the long-run. And I tended to put up with a lot of nonsense, allowing a lot of very poor behavior occur in my relationships... hoping that somehow the tide would turn.

I began to lose hope in my marriage possibilities.

And then something happened.

About five years ago, I went on a date with a really neat guy. He was from out of town, and the date was a setup. He was so, so great. Nothing over-the-top. Just a regular guy who met my basic requirements: smart, funny, kind. I remember coming home and telling my roommate, Ruthie, about it. I was elated!
I knew that nothing was going to come of it. Our interest level seemed to remain at "friends", but it had given me HOPE! I knew that somehow, some way, and some DAY that there might be a few more out there like him! It was a glimmer that I held onto for the remaining years.

As the years went by, I wasn't meeting anyone who felt like a match. I'd made great friends, dated a few guys, but I knew in my heart and through the Spirit that none of them were my guy. My hope started to wain again. But then, about two-and-a-half years ago, I decided I was not giving up on myself. In fact, I had a very powerful moment where I can vividly recall not only my immediately increased desire for a good, loving Priesthood holder... but for some reason, I had an incredible amount of faith tied along to it.

I was sitting in my room while I was in grad school, staring at the ceiling, and analyzing my situation (I know, big surprise). I came to a conclusion that went something like this...

If I'm in the church, then there has to be at least one man in the church out there for me. I mean... He is GOD. He should be able to help me find someone...

This was an incredible realization for me. It somehow boosted my confidence and made my desire for marriage even stronger. I no longer feared that I would end up with a dud. I knew that God was gonna help me get there.

I remember also that for some reason I decided that there were likely 5 really qualified candidates out there for me. Maybe three of them were already married though... leaving me with just two.

Two.

I suppose I should count myself lucky. My mother always says, "It only takes one."

I thought back to the prayers I'd been offering since I was a child, thinking that I was making choices that would help teach me the proper lessons to be a good wife and mother. And that somewhere out there was a man who was doing the same for me. I was dating men who would help me learn and grow. And he was dating women who were preparing him for me.

It taught me a little more about appreciating the men I dated as someone's future husband and being grateful for the men and women dating someone's future spouse. I figure we're all here to help each other.

A few months after my big realization that God would actually help me find someone incredible, my friend Kaarina posted an engagement announcement on her blog. Included in the description of her and Forrest's growing love, were words that struck me so strongly and poignantly. To this day, when I read them, the Spirit hits me as I read them... and I can never make it through the last part without crying.

She wrote the following:

it was a year ago november when i started apologizing to God with all the depth of my soul for the years & years of doubt & tears & frustration & railing & absolutely giving up on the glimmer of hope that he would ever bless me with something THIS amazing.

o, my friends!! little did i know.

he was blessing me the whole time.

I have gone back to Kaarina's blog for these words time and time again over the past couple years. I'm familiar with the doubt. The tears. The frustration. And the giving up of hope.

HOPE

That is a word that keeps coming to my mind lately. It's not that I'm feeling hopeless... just less hope. And I need to remember to be hopeful. I need to remember that God is blessing me right now. I need to remember that the righteous blessings I desire and the blessings He wants to grant me will happen in His time and His way.

I've recently reached out to my family asking for prayers on this; that they will help me remain hopeful. If you remember, could you please include me in your prayers too?

My Turn on the Media

2008-06-13T13:05:00.002-04:00

Back in the day, I would sit in church and would roll my eyes as someone would stand at the pulpit and rip on the media. It was kinda' a joke between me and my friend, Krikava. He works in politics, and I work in the media; our industries were constantly ripped on.
I understood the disdain. I haven't been blind to the poor influences of media. But I got into the business to try and make a difference in the world... and hoping to use its powers for good.

I've been weeding out the media I let into my life for quite a while. Last year I started cutting back on the amount of television I watch. Lots of family sitcoms tend to twist the roles of the family around. Particularly, it irritates me when I see the standard show about the "dumb dad." It's pretty annoying and disrespectful and has bothered me for many years. And there are also the shows with the kids who are mean to each other... not to mention the slutty teenagers, which absolutely is unacceptable to me.

Movies are another form of entertainment I love, but it's frustrating. Throughout the years, I've tended to be fairly anti-rated R (almost as strongly as I'm anti-McDonald's). It's put me in some sticky situations from time to time, but my friends have continued to hang out with me even if I'd left at the start of a movie. I took a break from my rated-R restriction when I was dating someone, and quite frankly, it wasn't worth it.

Music.
This is the tough one for me. There are songs I love that have bad words in them or mean messages. And I just can't listen to them anymore, regardless of their cool rhythms.

So where does this leave me? I'm a woman who works in network news and I hear about "bad stuff" all the time. Do I wiggle my way out as my testimony grows and my tolerance for smut weakens?
I know I might sound rather snobby here, but I really don't care. This is something I've been debating for a long time, and I'm just not sure how to handle it anymore.
I'm at another point in my life where I'm considering another career change. It's important to me that I see my good works sift into my work.
When I first joined the church, I gave up a lot of friends.
That was hard for me but necessary.
And now, I'd like to give up my job for something a little more meaningful. Sure, there are days that I love what I do. And I always get the stories that are fun and light-hearted because my bosses know how I feel about "bad news." But still, how effective am I being? Am I really bringing light to my work? Or am I just feeding a mean beast?

Lately I've had a bit on my plate to think about. And I haven't really had too many people I've wanted to talk about it with. But one of the big things is my job. I know, I know. I've been talking about getting out of the business for years. I'm just a bit scared.

Cash for Kids

2008-06-13T06:52:00.002-04:00

I read this article today about schools paying their students for good grades. Is this seriously what it's come down to? We have to monetarily motivate our kids to have a desire to learn?

When my stepdad moved in, he paid me $20 for every 'A'. I remember being very confused -- but I was too smart to argue that kind of offer! Were you paid or given some sort of incentive for good grades? Or were the grades enough? And how do you intend to handle this with your own kids?

Worlds Colliding...

2008-06-12T14:53:00.004-04:00

GEORGE: This is not good. Worlds are colliding! George is getting upset!

(This episode was on the other night...)

GEORGE: Ah you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, Ceases to Exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George.

JERRY: I, I love that George.

GEORGE: Me Too! And he's Dying Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will Kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

I'm realizing that more and more of my friends are intertwined somehow. I've become a connector, I suppose; in many ways on purpose and another through happenstance. I suppose part of it is the default of being a Mormon. I love meeting people in the church, finding out where they're from, and then playing the "Do you know..." game.

Today I was going through a few friends on Facebook and noticed that a few of my friends knew some other friends. "How does that person know him???" I kept asking! My worlds are colliding! And I didn't even know it!

KaRyn and I have found that we know a few people in common from our many circles. Her mission, my college world; her undergrad, my grad school; her time in Salt Lake, my time in Portland; and of course the people we meet through online encounters. It seems unending.

Ansley and Ryan ran into each other and had the debate:
"Hey, you know my friend, Tamara!"
"You mean MY friend, Tamara!"

My sixth grade crush fell for a girl here in the city... who dated a guy i recently dated...

And my most recent excitement happened today, when I was reading my friend Caranine's blog, and she'd posted this.

Can I just say how much I love people? Is this just a symptom of remaining single for so long? Or is this just a symptom of remaining me? Either way, I like it and can't wait to see who you all get hooked up with next.

Spotlight: Micah

2008-06-10T14:21:00.006-04:00

Micah visited this weekend!
He served his mission out here, so he likes to head back to the city a couple times a year. This time he took me to a Yankees game! Yay! :)
We became closer friends last year when we were both going through pretty hard times and... well... no one else really wanted to listen to either of us anymore! Lucky for us, we found we were equally pathetic and therefore helped each other move on and heal. And now... we are both SOOOOO much better for it.
Phew!!!

My favorite Micah phrase as of late:

"Don't trade non-eternal priorities for your eternal progression."

Ladies, Micah is one of the good ones left. Take note, and tell your friends.

Thank you Micah!

Hello June...

2008-06-10T14:12:00.003-04:00

It's hard to believe that "2008: The Year of ME!" is halfway over! Yowza! I've done a lot so far and have felt the good flow in and out consistently. And I've noticed that I regularly recognize that I'm the most blessed person on this planet; I'll chalk that up to a pretty good attitude adjustment over the past six months. Can't wait to continue the good vibe throughout the rest of the year.

Could 2009 actually be even BETTER? Hard to believe, but I guess it's possible!

What's "really" going on with me...

2008-06-07T16:11:00.006-04:00

Skye and I had a recent exchange mentioning the good 'ol days of the blog; they were the times when we weren't guarded. We'd talk about our fears, feelings, and we were forthright with deep discussions on doctrine and spirituality. We called each other out. We weren't afraid of speaking our own minds, and we took risks with our thoughts with the hope someone would learn something and maybe, just maybe, we'd each become a little bit better.

I started my blog just over three years ago. At first it was just to "get it out there." My thoughts, my writings, my hopes. I had no readers except for me. It was a virtual wishing well for me. I'd put out a vibe and get the good thrown back. Gradually it became a venue for my friends and family to keep up with me from afar. And now... well now it's interesting. As the number of viewers has grown, the comments have faded... and so has the "truth." And today I'm hoping to peel back a layer.
Maybe even two.

If you know me vaguely then you might assume you know me pretty well. I know I come across fairly honest and genuine. I'm pretty strong, self-assured, curious, and allow enough sensitivity to show so that people will know that I'm not built of brick. I also know that I'm overly self-aware (maybe to a fault), and I'm always striving to be a better person, allow more love, make God proud, and let the sun shine from within me.

If you know me well, then you know the further layers. I've been really blessed in this life with a lot of close friends and family. Quite frankly, I'm amazed at how incredible the people are among my many circles. Every day I am pretty humbled by these people. I'm lucky that I get to keep in touch with these people -- even if on an infrequent basis. I tend to learn something on every single interaction. I have mentioned before that I feel as if I'm the luckiest person in the world, and most of that is because of the people in my life. The remainder of my good luck is because of my awareness of God's goodness in every single thing.

If you are one of my closer friends, then you know a little more about how I really function. I feel blessed that this is actually a fairly large group of people. You know something about me that I'm still trying to become better at: you know that I am worth way more than I give myself credit.
You have seen this in many areas of my life over and over again. You've seen me succeed in practically everything I do and just expect that to keep happening. You await to hear what crazy idea I come up with next and know, without a doubt, that it will happen.
You have seen me sell myself short. You have watched as I allow people into my life who don't deserve as much space as I've allowed them. You have wiped my tears. You have heard me bear my soul, been privileged to see me in a vulnerable state, and seen me pick myself back up after heartache. You have heard me sing, stayed up with me until the wee hours talking about the philosophy of nothing and everything, laughed at my dumb jokes, and watched as I said something no one else had the nerve to.
You have seen me share my weaknesses. You have seen my intense commitment and loyalty. You know I love God and want to do my best. You know that I cry. A lot. You know that if there is someone who has no friend, that I will likely allow them into my world. You like me in spite of my many, many, many foibles. And for that reason, you continue to carry the most special place in my heart.
How have I been able to be so, so very lucky?

If you know me very well then you also are aware that am not afraid of myself. You know that even though I talk a lot, I am not necessarily revealing what's really going on with me. You know that I coccoon - sometimes for a long time, remaining anti-social - and I always come out a more beautiful butterfly. You know there are times when I act as if everything is perfect when really I feel as if my whole world is in chaos.
You know that somehow, through everything, I always tend to keep it together even when I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it.
You also know, and have told me on many occasions, that I deserve someone really, really great in this life. You have mentioned that I need someone who really has it together. Who is kind-hearted. And who's pretty dang smart.
You have also gently reminded me when I was not allowing that type of man into my life. Hopefully you agree that I'm much better at listening to your advice these days than I was before and am much quicker at giving unlikely candidates the boot. That has been a lesson many years in the making, and thank you for your patience with me.

At this point I wonder where you, dear Reader, have placed yourself. How well do you believe you know me? And how well do we really know each other? And our own selves?

And that brings me to today: A beautiful day where the sun is bold and the humidity is unforgiving. A day where I stand unafraid of the truth and the determination to make the most of my life.
I have no idea what tomorrow brings to me, but I welcome its blessings and challenges with joy.
Right now I'm making the most of it. Things are not perfect, but I am doing the best with what I have and enjoying it as much as I can. I long for more and know that my needs will be met in the way and time that's needed.

I'm starting some new projects that scare the heck out of me. I'm approaching my life and my goals from a different angle, and I have God guiding me. I only hope I follow His light enough so that you see it shining through me.

Today I continue to live a purpose-filled life. I have a stronger boundary and foundation than before, and I suppose with that blessing will come more responsibility. I await whatever that is and am, admittedly, a little... frightened? nervous? trepidatious? Hmm... I'm pretty dang scared.
Typically, I tend to plan exactly how and when my goals and hopes will be accomplished, and I make it happen. This time, I'm trying to trust more in the Lord and let things happen the way He wants them to. I have no idea what that means in the details, so please... remind me to enjoy the adventure.

I wrote this entry with the same intention I had three years ago when starting this whole blog process... to put it all "out there" to remind myself of who I am today, the hope I have in my future, and to use it as a way to allow goodness to return my way.
I am actively receiving good things as of late and am filling my life with goodness. I've been pushing aside the dead weight and creating stronger boundaries. I've wasted too much time feeling bad about myself. It's time for me to get it in gear.

Thank you to those of you who bring a positive light to my life.
For my closest friends, you know I sometimes tend to be a lonely soul... even though I work my hardest to hide it. You have made my life feel so fulfilled. I am so excited for our adventures to continue. Won't it be interesting to see what's in store?
I can't wait.

Blissfully Dreaming of Fall Today...

2008-06-06T21:03:00.000-04:00

All in All, Good Times

2008-06-06T19:02:00.003-04:00

This week has been so super great. After last weekend's lovely Harbor Cruise and trip to the Hollow, I am happy to report that things keep getting more and more exciting! Corina and I nabbed some yummy gelato Monday night. I must say -- hazelnut is an all-time fave.
And Tuesday I headed to Carnegie Hall to hear the BYU symphonic orchestra. The audience may have likely been one of the worst ever. I tend to believe that performances are meant not only to entertain but also to teach us how to receive and respond well.
And last night was capped with tickets to see Sunday in the Park With George. Weird, but good! Can't wait to see the Yankees on Monday!

Sunshine

2008-06-06T15:24:00.003-04:00

Just sending you all some sunshine and a SMILE! :) I hope you're having a good day!

The Harbor and the Hollows

2008-06-04T12:45:00.007-04:00

Upon my return from Portland, I was blessed with the presence of Russ's sister, Valerie. We had such a great weekend! On Saturday we headed out to the Harbor Cruise. It was such a beautiful night!!! What fun! (And yes... that's Georgina somewhere aboard in the dark)

After church on Sunday, we packed a lunch, hopped in the car, and let the wind be our guide. It was the PERFECT day! Oh my word. I had the most fun! Russ drove us north and we ended up in Sleepy Hollow. He couldn't have picked a better place! It's GORGEOUS! (I wouldn't mind living in a little hole in the Hollow!)

We spotted a cute little cemetary. (Valerie later learned that the cemetary was right next to the center of the classic "Sleepy Hollow" story.) We found ourselves a cute little spot among some trees and well... yes... some graves... and had a wee picnic. We debated whether it was in poor taste to picnic in a cemetary... but apparently we decided it was fine. And besides, who was there to complain?? :)

An absolutely delightful day filled with great people, the perfect scenery, fun conversation, naptime, and of course, some silly jokes that none of you would likely find funny.
Good times!

Advice From an Underage Voter

2008-06-03T16:25:00.002-04:00

My brother (die-hard Republican) and I (likely a socialist) were discussing who to vote for, when my niece piped up with the obvious response.

"Oh I know!!!"

"You do?"

"David Archuletta!"

Spoken like a future poli-sci major.

Thank you, Aubrey!

Never Underestimate the Power of a HUG!

2008-05-31T16:50:00.000-04:00

Remembering Grandpa

2008-05-30T10:48:00.006-04:00

My grandfather died last Saturday. While I obviously miss his venerable presence, I'm so grateful I knew him so well. He lived more than 100 years -- quite an amazing accomplishment. And he truly knew how to live.
I had scheduled a last-minute trip to Oregon to see him when he fell ill, but he died the day before my arrival. Luckily I was there for the funeral and to see the rest of the family.

Seeing my family and friends reminds me of the simple truth that I am likely the most blessed woman in the world.

The funeral was pleasant and simple.
I think my niece, Aubrey, stated it best about his funeral when she said with excitement, "We're having Grandpa's birthday party for life!!!!"
My sister-and-law and I thought that was quite clever for a five year old. "That's true!" we said!
"At least that's what Grandma told me!"

I think that's truly the right attitude.

I've linked this posting to some previous posts I've made about him. And here's my grandfather's obituary as it appeared in Salem, Oregon's Statesman Journal.

Lester Orion Packard 11/10/1907 - 05/24/2008

KEIZER - Centenarian Lester Orion Packard died Saturday at Avamere Court at Keizer, surrounded by his family and devoted caregivers.
A native of Cameron., Mo., the 100-year-old adhered to the midwestern values he learned as a child: family loyalty, hard work, self-reliance and an appreciation for each and every day. Descended from the Mayflower pilgrims of Massachusetts and the colonists who established Jamestown, Va., in the 1600s, Mr. Packard's ancestors fought in the Revolutionary and Civil wars, rode for the Pony Express and settled America's western frontier. The Packard family still operates its Missouri farm, established in 1860, where Mr. Packard was born.
He was the youngest of four brothers and worked on the farm after he graduated from the University of Missouri in 1932. He married Ora Lois Wardell in 1934 and lived in Missouri, Tennessee and Illinois while employed by Swift & Co., which transferred Mr. Packard to Los Angeles in 1944. When he arrived with his wife, daughters Jane and Patricia, and $700, he discovered there was no place to live and for a time the family lived in a storefront.
Mr. Packard responded to the World War II housing shortage by teaching himself carpentry and building family homes in Temple City and Charter Oak, Calif., which are still occupied. He resided in the Covina area for 65 years, where he was a member of Covina Christian Church. Following the death of his wife, Ora Lois, in 1989, he married Garthy Earline Russell, a fellow church member.
Last year, Mr. Packard moved to Keizer to foster family ties: his daughter, Jane L. Slack and her husband, Donald live in Keizer. His daughter, Patricia M. Kelly resides in Manhattan Beach, Calif. Grandson, Craig Slack, his wife, Debrah, and two children reside in Boise, Idaho. Grandson, Keith Slack lives in Seattle, Wash.; and grandson, Darren Duricka, his wife, Rene', and six children live in Sherwood. Granddaughter, Lynne Slack lives in Monroe, Wash., and granddaughter, Tamara Duricka is from Portland and New York City.
Slack great-grandchildren residing in Boise, Idaho are Erik and Alex. Duricka great-grandchildren residing in Sherwood are Devin, Megan, Joshua, Aubrey, Steven and Samuel Packard (who was named for him). Extended family members are Willard and Pauline Grounds of Salem.
Mr. Packard quickly charmed the Avamere staff, and his caregivers each established a special rapport.
In lieu of flowers, donations in Mr. Packard's name may be sent to the scholarship program of the Oregon Health Care Foundation, 11740 SW 68th Parkway, Suite 250, Portland, OR 97223 or Willamette Valley Hospice, 1015 3rd St. NW., Salem, OR 97304.

Phasing Out Facebook

2008-05-23T20:55:00.005-04:00

Have you become obsessed with Facebook? Were you once a cyberstalker via MySpace? Linkup? Friendster?
You can admit it.

I can't say I'm much into it these days. One site I used to check regularly now posts who's been checking out your profile. I have no hope to scope out people online, and I have no desire to search for people for no reason... Usually I just used the site to keep up with friends, but now none of us seems to use it anymore.
I've removed most of my applications from Facebook. And I now have like... 500 friends? Doesn't that seem a little over-the-top? Do I really need to update 500 people about my ever-changing relationship statii?

And what's the deal with our blogs, People? It seems like no one updates them regularly anymore. I know I don't. Sometimes I do in spurts, but I'm far from consistent. Are you actually keeping in touch the "old-fashioned" way?
No! Of course I don't mean "in person"... I mean gchat and text messaging.

Am I just getting... old? What's going on here?

The Future: Starring Me

2008-05-15T11:52:00.001-04:00

So... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (no surprise there I suppose). And I've also been setting up some new goals for myself. Many of them are fairly abstract but I have a clear vision of the path I need to take.

Everyday I read my friends' blogs. In fact, I kinda read them a lot. I spend my whole day at the computer and my mind functions in such a scattered way that I tend to bounce around from work, to cruising the web, to chatting, to planning my lesson, to work, to working on my grand new project, to paying my bills, to work.

This week's perusal of blogs led me to one from Emily P. and another from Rachel -- both are women who have my highest love and respect. Their ideas are pretty stellar and their writing is great too. Anyway, both women got me thinking a little more about some things that have been simmering in my mind as of late, both speaking of our futures and pasts.

Rachel posed a proper question -- how much of our past should we post?

Here's the response I left:

I choose not to publicize my past. I know I've talked with you a bit about my past choices that have led to current poor thinking about myself, but to be honest, I'm not so sure I really needed to discuss it.

The main reason lies within one word: Atonement.

If I truly believe that the Atonement makes me pure once again - granted, with some scars and struggles intact - then there really isn't much of a reason to discuss things that happened way back when.

Can my past be used as a tool to teach myself and others? OF COURSE! But if my reasoning to discuss things about what I've been through linger much further than that, then I'm only allowing my past life to define both my present and my future.

Personally, I really don't want to burden myself with my past anymore. I would prefer to look toward [the ideal "perfect woman" who doesn't have the same life I've lived].

You're correct.

I can never be that girl.

Nor do I want to be her.

I prefer to be me.

A more elevated me.

Someone who looks at my past with honesty and says, "that was then, this is now." I don't want to give up on my future as a better me.

I want to look at myself as a person without limitation for good and goodness.

I will say... it has taken me many, many, many years to feel this way. Many years! And lots of therapy! :) And lots and lots of personal understanding of how the Atonement really works in my life.

The Lord loves me for me. For the whole kit and kaboodle.

Rehashing my past just doesn't do me any good if it doesn't do me any good. Does that make sense? Plus, airing dirty laundry just seems unnecessary to me -- especially my own. Who's gonna look out for me looking my best and be treated best if I can't even do it for myself? ...

I'm just trying to avoid harping on my past. It just doesn't help me anymore. Plus, it tends to be a sign that I just haven't forgiven myself... and that I actually still look at myself through these broken and discolored lenses.

The Atonement has helped me see things a little more clearly.

Today I'm in a really good place. Yesterday... quite honestly, I was a bit angry and frustrated. I took in those feelings and examined them closely, seeking an honest understanding about why they brewed within me and whether they were ready and willing to leave. I allowed it to be part of the growing process.

I awoke this morning with a seemingly new approach to my life. I can't quite explain it. I woke up early with a bit of a plan for myself. I rushed into work early to get a head start on some ideas. This has been a good approach for me. And a really enlightening day.

I'm also realizing more and more how my life has been tethered to my past a bit more than needed. And although I'm more gentle with myself these days than before, I still have a lot more forgiving to do.
I'm also remembering that forgiving yourself starts with a genuine apology. So I'm making amends and looking toward a more loving future.

Maybe this is referring to me...?

2008-05-14T14:42:00.001-04:00

"Sometimes those who start out the slowest end up going the farthest."
-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Oh Portland

2008-05-14T13:36:00.004-04:00

I think it's my friend Amber who refers to the friends she made in Portland a few years ago as the "happy little leprechaun" types. I can't quite explain it, but there is something about the group of friends I made there that is really special to me.
Maybe it's because Portland is a place where I really felt at home.
Maybe it has something to with the fact my family was so close by.
Maybe it's because I planted some roots and really became a "grown up."
Maybe because it's the time where I learned to move on from my past.
Maybe it's because I loved where I worked and the people there.
Maybe because I really invested in my testimony of the gospel.
Or maybe just because I was really, really blessed to be there.

Whatever the reason, I'm so grateful for those times and for the friendships I developed. A lot of my friends have dispersed across the world. And some others are heading back!

In the meantime, I'm just glad that my happy little home in Harlem allows me to access those friends through the phone and the internet.
And I've been given the lovely bonus blessing of good friends here. My New York pals are so neat and sweet! I've met a great group of people and I'm so glad for all the friends I make no matter where my feet land.
Today I feel really blessed.

Journalism

2008-05-10T22:50:00.000-04:00

I find it funny that I spend all day researching and writing about the affairs of the present... yet I've wasted so much time mulling over the past and worrying about the future.

Heartache, Healing... Joyous Feeling

2008-05-09T17:05:00.003-04:00

I recently learned that a guy I was once interested in is now dating a former Playboy model. When I learned this, a particular set of words crossed my mind... words that have been recycling themselves whener I think about several past love interests or exes:

"Dodged that bullet"

I am so, so, so, so, so grateful for my life today. I'm grateful for the really great guys I dated and that they have made their lives into something great. I'm even grateful for those not-so-great ones.

But... I'm mostly grateful that in my many years of dating and boyfriends, that I'm not married to any of those guys. I learned so much through the joy, tears, and fears I felt over the years. They've been teachable moments and will help me be a better person in the long run.

Thank you Lord for that still small voice that has led me to where I am today.
Truly, I am grateful for the experience. Grateful for my past. My present. My future.

Maybe some of my exes will read this and wonder whether I look at them as a bullet I've dodged. I have no idea if any of them read this, and frankly I really don't care. So to the Universe, I send a message to those men -- thank you for who you are and were. I'm grateful for those times with you... but I'm so happy that I'm not dating you or married to you. I'm way more happy today. And I allowed a lot of misery in my life.
No more.
My future involves a better fit for me than you. And I'm sure yours involves someone better for you than I was.

Thank you for bliss and healing. For a better feeling. For detours and dealing with demons.
Today I feel free.

My Life

2008-05-07T19:04:00.003-04:00

...is pretty rad.

I don't mean to say that to brag or anything. I'm just really happy with my life, in general. Even with its trials, obstacles, upsets, losses... I'm grateful for the story I've been writing for myself.
I tend to make some major revisions of how I want things to go in the next chapter. And I think that's pretty great that I can do that.
I'm working on another new adventure right now and I expect it to turn out to be a goodie. Can't wait!

Are you grateful for your story today?

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

2008-05-06T13:40:00.003-04:00

If you've worked with me, then you know that I don't really like to wear shoes; I prefer to walk barefoot or in slippers. At my last tv station, I was often referred to as "Slipper Girl" from time to time. And I received several pairs of pink fluffy footies from my Secret Santa.

I still hold true to this personal credo that I should feel fully functional and comfortable at work -- therefore slippers are the way to go for me.

I also tend to get really cold fairly easily, so I always have some sort of sweater, hoodie, or jacket to wear.

Yes, much like Mr. Rogers, I enter my office, take off my shoes, slide on my slippers, and don my sweater. So today I give a shout-out to the trend-setter who I remember fondly.

Thanks for setting a precedent.

Good job.

Sigh...

2008-05-03T21:51:00.000-04:00

I miss the beauty of Fall today

Today

2008-05-02T18:30:00.001-04:00

I have no idea what's real

Moving Day!

2008-05-02T17:33:00.009-04:00

8:00 -- I head to pick up Beth from her temporary housing. We drive to her place and wait for the movers. We were expecting two trucks. The first truck was supposed to arrive between 8:30 and 10:30... with all of our stuff from Portland.
The second truck was supposed to arrive at 9:30 to pack up just my stuff and bring it to my place.

10:30 -- still waiting for the movers.

Beth kept calling her people. Busy signal.
I kept calling my people. No answer. Finally I check my email. The movers had emailed saying they weren't coming.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

Quick phone calls to people off of Craigslist. I find some guys. They can be there within the hour.

11:00 -- Beth's movers arrive!!!

I stay down on the street making sure everything gets out of the truck okay. All of my stuff sits on the curb. (I can't believe it's no longer in my garage!!!)
Beth makes sure everything gets in safely upstairs... including her couch, which somehow fit through the little hallway.
(Can you see her peeking out the window??)

11:30 -- My guys show up. They get my stuff off the curb and pack it up. They get lost and can't speak English.

12:00 -- After much confusion, my stuff gets home.
I forgot to take the pic of stuff in my place.
Maybe that'll appear tomorrow... Maybe not.

Thank You Rachel...

2008-05-02T16:12:00.002-04:00

*for long walks and girl talk

*for visits to Chef Brown to get cupcakes

*for sleepovers that bring me back to 5th grade

*for suffering through allergies and hanging with me anyway

*for just being you

First Wife loves you!

Neck-In-Neck

2008-05-01T17:10:00.003-04:00

Wow.
I love that the blog poll is totally reflective of the Obama-Hillary race. Thank you so much for your input everyone. I suppose I should have put a fourth option, "keep things as-is." But I'm so, so, so glad that someone voted for "your blog sucks." :) I love it!!!

I still haven't decided what to do, but I totally love the feedback.

I guess I should mention, if I do go private, those of you on my links will be automatic invites. Or if you are among the following:
*my boyfriend
*my best friends
*my family
*and that includes -- my mother

Yes, my mom actually sent me an email saying that she is a regular reader of my blog and would like to be added to the list of invitees.
How hilarious is that?!
You rock Mom!