Premature Panic Attacks

I think my hair may finally have stopped falling out.

I'm about one month away from taking a couple suitcases across the country for my master's degree. I'm finally getting ready and getting excited. For several weeks, I've been stuck in a mode of bewilderment; I haven't exactly known what to do with myself. I'd been questioning nearly every move I made -- spiritually, emotionally, physically. Now I think I'm getting in gear.

I have two and a half weeks left of my job. My four year anniversary at KATU is August 9th. My last day is the 10th -- and feeling moreso like an expiration date. It's an interesting event for me as it's really the end to my first career. It's been said careers now last an average of 10 years. I've been doing local news for eight. And now, it's onto the next chapter in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being crazy giving up a stable income for the unknown, but I know I'm doing the right thing. A major part of life is taking risks -- which is something I've avoided for the past few years. Finally, I feel like I'm taking a step back into what life is really all about.

My 10 year high school reunion is just after I quit my job. I believe I am exactly as I anticipated I would be, and I assume my friends from the past will agree. I'm approaching several mile-markers, which will push me to take more steps forward. I'm hoping more risks and adventures await.

Comfortable Sorrow

I'm still standing on a strong foundation.
So why do I feel like I'm falling?

I've been seemingly re-breaking my heart -- which I believe has been mending itself back together with the help of time, patience, and hope.

I wonder how much we are capable of living a life parallel to the one we dreamed to have. At night, I sit here and vicariously live my moments of another world. Most of the time, I close the book on it. Then there are those passing minutes like right now, when I remember it all: where I came from, the entirety of me, and the passions I have creeping in shadows within.

For the past day I've allowed myself to cocoon -- sitting in an unsocial atmosphere and surrounding myself with a false environment of past becoming present. I am happy here. I feel the comfortable sorrow of love lost and nothingness.

I'm delaying the moments of tomorrow, when I'll have to wake up to the harsh reality of what my life is now: realistic, righteous, and happy. My world now is filled with wise choices, responsibility, and joy.

So why am I longing for a chaotic past?