Looking Back

The Problem With Writers

"Wait. Tamara... aren't you still on sabbatical?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"Then what are you doing posting something on here?"
"It's my blog. I can do whatever I want."
"Oh, of course. No prob. Blog away then."

Besides, here's the problem with writers: we write.
My friends in the entertainment division of my union have been on strike for six weeks. Do you think any of them have actually STOPPED writing? No. The problem with writers is that even when they're dealing with writer's block or picket lines, there is still some sort of writing going on.

I've been doing a lot of fabulous things lately.
That sounds really sassy the way I just said that.
All out there.
Fearless and fabulous.
But it's true.

Most of the great things have been very simple. Mostly having to do with just taking care of myself. Aren't you people happy to hear about that?
If you saw my mani-pedi then you would agree that good things are happening. I've worked it into my regular routine. Good stuff is happening. Can't wait 'til the haircut and the wardrobe overhaul.
But really, most of the good stuff is totally internal. Let's be honest... in this life, most of the good stuff is INternal and Eternal.
So that's what's been going on with me.

But there are a few big things I need to mention for all of you to celebrate:
1. I landed the SWEETEST apartment! Woo hoo! Moving in a couple weeks. LOVE IT! It's in the southern part of Harlem - or SoHa as it's now being called. So freaking cute and I can't wait for you peeps to visit. Seriously. You're gonna love it. Bonnie and Watson can't stop talking about it. Nevermind that I have zero furniture anymore. Details. That will all come.
2. Watson will be getting a dog walker soon. I think he's more excited than I am.
3. My car is finally in the shop so that weird rattling sound is gone. Kinda sad. I can no longer play the "What's That Sound?" game with my friends... The car will be going into retirement soon, along with my computer and my cell phone. So woo hoo for technology.
4. MY 30TH BIRTHDAY IS JUST ONE WEEK AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) BEST news of the year!
5. Oh yeah... and other than that... did I mention that I will be going full-time soon? NOOO? Didn't think so. That's because I was saving it until NOW!!!!

So yes. Feel free to peruse the list once again and celebrate the many fabulous events and moments that I've been inviting into my life over the past lil bit. I know. You can barely contain yourself thinking about Watson's walker. :)

All of this new fabulous-ness is all in preparation for something even bigger. I have bragged about it to my friends here and maybe a few of you. You wanna hear a little bit about this big thing coming up??
Okay.

You see, I have appropriately dubbed 2008 as the "Year of ME." I'll be sure to write more about the "Year of ME" later, but I just thought I'd prep you with a teaser now so you could be ready.
The "Year of ME" is well... all about me. And it's starting off with lots of good things! New job (sorta), new place to live (God bless Harlem), I'm turning THIRTY (woo hoo!!!)... You can make it the "Year of You" if you want too. But I'm just sayin', you should know that this will be at least a 365 day celebration... and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's gonna leak into the years to come. I'm just really grateful for the blessings I've been given. And for all the cool stuff that makes up... well... you.

Kudos to you for being you.
And kudos to me because I feel like it.

Did I mention I turn 30 next Friday! *sigh*

Are you as happy about life as I am?
No?
What can we do to change that?

This is my life. So I'm writing it the way I want. And celebrating it the best I can along the way.

Yea for us! Yea for silly blog posts. Yea for staying late at work to write it. And yea for just being able to realize how blessed I am just to be alive one more day.

We are really blessed aren't we?

Just wanted to share all the good vibes with you. Can you FEEL it???

On Sabbatical

Taking a break from the blogosphere. Thanks for checking in with me. If you'd like to keep in touch, please email or call!
I might stop by and post every now and then, but I think I'm going back to pen and paper for my writing outlet for a while. Weird. I feel so 1997...

Grandpa

My grandfather turned 100 years old last Saturday, November 10th. Today the Statesman Journal in Salem, Oregon published this story about him. I figured I'd tell you my own version of the story about the centenarian patriarch in my family.

Grandpa was born in Cameron, Missouri in 1907. He was the youngest of four boys -- all of which went by nicknames that had nothing to do with their given names. Grandpa, who was named Lester Orion, went by "Pete" for most of his life.
He grew up knowing Civil War veterans. He was raised in the time of the horse and buggy. And he recalls vividly what it was like the first time he saw an airplane fly overhead.

He continued a long-standing family tradition of being a hard worker and just an all-around good person. My mother's side of the family has been in America for many generations, mostly as farmers.
We had someone come over on the Mayflower. We have veterans representing every American war. And my grandfather, at 100 years old, can pinpoint the names and stories of every one of those people.
Grandpa grew up on a farm. He went to college, graduating from the University of Missouri with a degree in Agriculture. He worked in sales for many years. He built two homes for his family, both in California. The larger of the two homes remains in our family. He built it more than 60 years ago for about $1500. It's now worth more than half-a-million.

He was very handsome in his youth. He stood at 6'1" and had gorgeous eyes and a strong chin.
My grandma, Ora "Lois", was petite and had spunk. She was a pretty blonde. And she was smart. She was among the first female graduates from UCLA.
Grandpa courted my grandmother while she was visiting family in Missouri. She headed back to California and they wrote letters to one another until he asked her to marry him.
I asked him once what it was about her that had him so taken by her. He looked at me softly and said, "We just gelled, y'know?"

I remember their 50th wedding anniversary. At the time I was very little, sipping on Shirley Temples the whole night and coveting cake. I had no idea how much of a success 50 years actually was.
They remained married until my grandmother passed away in 1989.

Grandpa is a good man. He has always had an edge and has been willing to take risks for what he knew was right.

He was working in Chicago just after my mother had been born. My grandmother was tired of the cold and wanted desperately to move the family back to Los Angeles. Grandpa was then offered a job as a vice president in Missouri. My grandfather, full of grit and lacking tact gruffed, "I'd rather be a janitor in Los Angeles than a vice president in Missouri!"
His boss quipped back, "I think we could arrange that."
Grandpa was soon transferred to L.A. -- luckily with a gig better than a janitor's position.

To this day, he still takes risks and does things his own way. A few months after my grandmother died, he married a widow friend from church. The two lived in California until this past February, when Earline felt the need to be closer to family. So, for the first time in about 70 years, my grandfather left California and moved to Minnesota. He was there for just a few months when he realized Minnesota wasn't the place for him. So this summer, he and Earline separated and Grandpa moved to Oregon to be closer to our family.
Let me break that down for you... In his 99th year, Grandpa has moved twice and separated from his wife. Can you believe that? I can never rightly use the phrase "I'm too old" to do anything!

When I was a bratty kid, he somehow let me convince him into buying stonewashed jeans. And then somehow he actually humored me when I taught him how to "peg" his pants. He just gets a kick out of kids I guess. He loves to watch the great-grandchildren run around screaming. He chuckles and says, "Oh how sweet. Such good children."

Something I'm especially grateful for is that my grandfather has the knack to tell a good story. His brain is solid as ever, and he recalls tales from 90 or so years ago as if they were freshly painted in his mind. The other day he showed me two Indian arrowheads he'd found when he was 12 and discussed how they were obviously from a different tribe than the other arrowheads he had.

More than anything though, he's a moral man. He still has hopes and dreams and isn't afraid to be himself or to show love to his family.
People ask him all the time what his secret is to a long, healthy life. He always refers to "good genes" since his three brothers all lived until very late in life. But I think it has more to do with his good attitude and his love and respect for life. He boasted to my mother recently, "I wanna live!"
And he certainly lives well.

I love you Grandpa.

to the portland peeps

amber and i are both in town.
we'll be at JR's house monday at 5:30. will you be there too?
i don't have everyone's emails to spread the word. so come. pleeeeezzz?

i leave early tuesday morning. i'll be back soon if i don't see you!! :)

A Butterfly Freed in November

November is typically my most favorite and most transitional month. Just historically speaking, it seems to have turned out that way.

Mostly, it's just my favorite month. I love the feel of the crisp Fall air sweeping up against the back of my neck... creating just enough of a shiver for me to pull the collar of my jacket tight. I get to wear long sweeping scarves again and cozy Winter hats. It's the time of year I tend to re-focus. Somehow I re-settle within my skin and remember who I truly am. I let the truths about myself fly a little more freely. And I tend to demand more of myself.

For many years, November has been the month I've fallen in love.
And out of love.
So far, this November offers me a lot of love and joy in my life.

But today is undefined. And so is tomorrow. I'm creating a new November for myself.
I'm uncertain what my heart will teach itself or what my soul will whisper to my life's purpose. But I can feel that once again, beautiful things are in the making.

Posting Pics

Does anyone know how to get pics off of their camera phone? I can't figure it out.

I HAVE to post a pic I took yesterday. Ack! Help!

Soup's ON!

Y'all... Check it.

I'm SOOOOOO excited because it's FALL AGAIN!!!! The time of year when I get to eat yummy soup all the time, drink hot chocolate galore, feel the crisp air tingling on my skin. And I'm SERIOUS -- I feel in love ALL DURING THE SEASON. It's a good time for me. I just love, love, love it!

Some of my hopes and dreams to check off this Fall include:
*a hay ride
*pumpkin carving
*a corn maze (never done that one!)
*apple picking
*heading north to see the foliage, walking through the woods
*sitting along the river and freezing my buns off at night

help me celebrate Fall fun! What other things can I add to my list? What do you plan to do???

Today's Realization

The guy at Starbucks works twice and hard and makes less than half as much as I do.

I have much to be grateful for!

Funny Stuff!

This is one of my new friends, Ryan Hamilton. I saw him months back on "Last Comic Standing." I think he'll go far! Check him out!

My Chance Encounter

Just moments ago...

I randomly ran into the Princely James Paul Bryant on the street. Are you SOOOOOOO jealous??? I haven't seen him since we went out for lunch in Portland over a year ago. I'm the luckiest woman in the world!!!! HA!


Ansley, you remember him, right? "My friend Paul Bryant"...
:)

A Cuisine Quest: The Sushi Solution

So let's just get this outta the gate. I am, and have been for some time, obsessed with sushi.
"But wait. Aren't you a vegetarian?"
I don't care. I have never been able to give the stuff up. Just like the Mormons who drink coke (which I also subscribe to), I am a sushi-lovin'-veggie. I can't help it!

In college, my best friend Annie and I used to eat a huge veggie meal at least once a week. We were poor, but we always had enough cash for maki and tempura. It was a necessity for survival!!!
For many years, I actually had sushi as a prerequisite for my dating life. If the man would suggest sushi for a first date, he was typically a shoo-in to my heart. If he had never had sushi but was willing to try it, he would get some points. If he was opposed to the idea of raw fish, then sorry dude, not a chance!

My particular favorite is a simple maki roll: spicy tuna. When I lived in Utah, I would have sushi at least three times a week. I found a really great joint that had great rolls and miso (it's called Kenji -- do they still have it???).

Now I'd like to do a taste test around the city. I've already tried several places, but just not nearly enough. I've tried a few places, but I think this will be my next personal assignment. So now you have a reason to come visit -- you can try some sushi with me! Yum!

Go Ducks!

The Love Test: Fantasy vs. Reality

I've recently been discussing an old relationship that has had me thinking... how do we know when we're in a "real" relationship? And what qualifies one as such?

Warning: this post is kinda' long. Feel free to skip over my boyfriend explainers. No offense taken. But I'd really like some input on this, so please read some of this and give your input!

To add to this discussion, I'm going to start off with the following ideas from Helen Fisher of Rutgers University. She proposes 3 stages of love:
1. Lust
driven by the hormones testosterone and estrogen
2. Attraction
This is the fun part when people fall in love, when you are truly love-struck and can think of little else. Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this stage; adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. (Dopamine has the same effect on the brain as cocaine -- no wonder why so many of us get hooked on the "falling in love" stage!). Fisher suggests “couples often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship”.
And here's something else interesting about this phase that I found on the web...
Dr Donatella Marazziti, a psychiatrist at the University of Pisa advertised for twenty couples who'd been madly in love for less than six months. She wanted to see if the brain mechanisms that cause you to constantly think about your lover, were related to the brain mechanisms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
By analysing blood samples from the lovers, Dr Marazitti discovered that serotonin levels of new lovers were equivalent to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.
Newly smitten lovers often idealise their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws says Ellen Berscheid, a leading researcher on the psychology of love.
New couples also exalt the relationship itself. “It's very common to think they have a relationship that's closer and more special than anyone else's”. Psychologists think we need this rose-tinted view. It makes us want to stay together to enter the next stage of love – attachment.
3. Attachment
This is the phase that keeps couples together for a long, long time. Scientists think two major hormones are at work here, oxytocin and vasopressin.
Oxytocin is a powerful hormone released by men and women during orgasm. It probably deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes. Vasopressin is another important hormone in the long-term commitment stage and is released after sex.

sidenote: i had already decided that i will be having lots of sex with my husband. but now i have science to back me up!

Now back to my original thought... How do we know when we are dealing with a relationship based on fantasy or reality? How do we know when we are caught up in the chemicals of lust and attraction and don't move past it into developing a real relationship? Do relationships need to be classified as just real or fantasy, or can each have elements of both?

I give you a few examples...

College boyfriend #1
This was my first experience feeling madly in love. I ate, slept, and breathed this guy. We talked of marriage, we scheduled our lives around one another, and we were kind of obsessed with each other. It was intense and passionate. It taught me what I thought love really was. I was kinda maniacal.
I later found out that he had been cheating on me throughout the relationship. I went pretty nuts when we broke up.
Consensus: My feelings were real; the relationship was fantasy. I'm pretty sure we were cycling the "attraction" stage and had a bit of the OCD complex mentioned earlier. It opened my heart, but it was a horrible example for me. It was based on falsehoods, not true, respectable love.

College boyfriend #2, #3, and who knows how many more
These guys followed the same trend. They were artsy, fun, and enigmatic. We had fun. They told me things I wanted to hear. They also dated other girls. I hoped that they would come to their senses and only want me.
Consensus: fantasy

Utah boy
We worked together, became friends, and then dated for a long, long time. We struggled a bit and fought for our relationship. We respected each other. We really cared for one another. We had dreams. Our dreams were not exactly the same. We tried. We failed. We are still friends.
Consensus: reality

Palo Alto boy (and other hotties like him)
This was a fantasy I went into and didn't care how badly I'd get burned. I had high hopes that he would like me, but the fact was, there was no way this guy was into anything long-term with me (and I think he would have defined "long-term" as anything longer than a day or two). He was hot!!! I met him through a documentary project. We talked on the phone long-distance almost every night for many, many months. I knew he was probably dating other people, but I had a desire that he would change his mind (similar to my college artist types). I fantasized about him all the time. I wrote poetry about him and daydreamed. He inspired my creativity, but mostly helped warp my idea of what our relationship really was. When we were together in person, I felt beautiful and desired. We had a good time, but he wasn't interested fully the way I wanted him to be. I got too wrapped up in the fantasy. And ouch. It hurt bad.
Consensus: um... obvious?

New Hampshire boy
This one is still fresh for me. We met randomly through our parents. Had a very strong rush of step #2 (attraction) and then fell into the regular pace of mature, adult relationships. Some struggles but strong love and respect for one another. We have fun together. We genuinely enjoy each other. We share the same goals for our futures and enjoy our time together. We communicate well... and sometimes we communicate horribly. We're honest with each other and we have no idea what's next in store for us.
Consensus: reality

Other boys who deserved more than I gave
This is to memorialize the relationships that didn't last long because, let's face it, they were into being serious and I wasn't. I was straight-up with them. Some of them I could have married and would have been happy. The others just were wonderful but just longed for something different out of life.
Consensus: reality

I think my feelings for all these men registered as "real" but I think I created a better fantasy for many of those relationships than accepting what I was really dealing with. But creating some sort of fantasy yields hope... doesn't it?

So.
Looking at this long list I've made I wonder... does "reality" always mean that there's a harsh dose of life? Can we have reality and still live as if we're in a fantasy?
And there is the most important question of all: what defines real love???

I believe Hollywood and the media (grr... darn us media!!!) tend to make us believe that real relationships have a beautiful beginning, middle, and end with a small climax and denouement to round everything out. But that's just fantasy with a good story line. Skye mentioned recently about the recent events of her own life, "This isn't T.V., it's life..."
And I think it's important for us to recognize the differences.

So what is the essence of your real relationship? What is at the heart of what keeps you two together?
Or what do you truly long for? And is what you're longing for realistic?
And two very important questions I have:
*If it's real, then is it always easy? Or have you had to work hard for it?
*What about the concept of "learning to love" someone? If you truly love someone, then do you just love everything? Or do you have to learn to love things about them? And what does it mean to "learn to love"?

I have come to embrace the idea that marriage is the modern-day miracle. Maybe it's more simple than any of these thoughts? Maybe it just works if you work it?

If you've read any of this post, please give me some insight. It would be most helpful to me.

The Blog

In a couple months, a new book is coming out that's piqued my interest. It's called, "Claiming Christ: A Mormon and an Evangelical Debate Jesus." It's written by Gerald McDermott, a professor from my under-grad alma mater, Roanoke College... along with Professor Millet from BYU.

In reading the reviews for the book, I found a really great comment:

"The challenge of interdenominational dialogue—like any genuine dialogue—is not to resolve disagreement, but to capture it and represent it accurately and in good faith." -Teryl Givens

I think Givens has some great insight on the purpose of discussion.

My blog is a source for me to write and to share. And sometimes, I like us to have fun discussions.

This is - and has been - a moderated blog. You comment, I decide whether to post.

For now, I'll continue to leave my privacy level as such. Before I was very liberal with posting comments. Now... not so much. Especially with those pertaining to dialogue. When I open this up as a forum, I'll be a little more diligent out of respect for myself and for my friends and contributors. I think blogs can be a good source for discussion, and I like that mine has been able to serve that purpose from time to time. So I promise to be more diligent in allowing comments that represent fact and refrain from attacking other people's perceptions.
I'm on this Earth to learn from people while respecting them. On this blog, that's the attitude I'm taking and accepting.
If that means I'm losing readers, so be it. This blog has been and continues to be for me, my family, and my friends.

Read the quote I've chosen to headline this blog.

If you continue to visit, your presence is welcome. Otherwise, thanks for stopping by and may you have many blessings in your continued journey.

A Goodie

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside
Awakens."

-Carl Jung

Spinsters, Old Maids, and Barren Bitties

I have been wondering something lately about marital status. I know this is not an issue that's simply one way or another. I know it's different for everyone. But I am seriously wondering: why do some women marry and others don't?

I know this is a loaded question and that I will likely get some very angry responses. But this is something I've been wondering because I am not ashamed to admit that I want to get married.

I'm not saying I want to marry today, tomorrow, or even in the near future. In fact, the timeline is irrelevant. I'm just saying, that generally speaking, I would really, really, really like to marry and have children. Preferably, I would also like to marry a wonderful man who would love me so much that he could not imagine eternity with anyone else.

So this has made me wonder about the many wonderful, brilliant, beautiful, solid, and single women I know among my family, friends, and colleagues.
Are they single because they lack skills?
Are they single because they don't desire it enough?
Are they single because they lack faith?

Yes, I understand that there are many women who don't want to marry. But I wonder about my own desires. Over the past couple years I've made many changes in my personal life. First and foremost, I've grown from just wanting to marry to having a very deep desire... such a strong desire that I was willing to make the many changes in what had been holding me back from successful relationships.
In the past, I'd blamed my failed relationships on being with the wrong men. But I think I've finally stopped playing the victim and now really hold myself accountable for my mistakes or my own lack of desire to be married.
I kinda' feel as if other people sometimes expect me to stay single forever. I have been a career-oriented woman for a long time. I've invested in men I didn't really want to marry. Or I've taken years off from dating.
And now I'm actually attracted to different men than I once was. I used to approach a relationship wondering if we "click" or if the guy were cute and fun. And now... my first thoughts are moreso about if this man could be a good husband, father, and if he would be worthy of my love eternally.

But even though I've made these changes... does this mean I will actually ever marry?

It's just come to my realization - again - that I might remain single for the rest of my life. And before, I would have thought that was okay. But that's not okay for me anymore.

Yes, I know. I will receive at least a few emails saying, "at least you've been dating someone. I have no chances whatsoever!"

I understand those feelings. And I've said those very same lines many times! Honestly, I now consider all those comments as playing the victim. (feel free to be angry with me on that one)

As for my personal dating life, I think dating someone for a while has actually somehow made me more insecure about the possibility of marriage than secure. And maybe that's just my situation. But even if I were not dating this one guy, I think I would still be enjoying my dating life. I keep getting asked out every week from cute guys at church -- and I honestly think that has more to do with my healthy attitude about myself than anything else.

I once heard (I think in a movie) that women remain single because they want to. I believe that idea was insinuating that many single women claim they want to date, but when they're given the opportunity to do so, they turn men down. Or they simply don't make the changes in their lives or behaviors that would be more inviting to men.

So what do you think of all this?

I likely won't keep this post up for too long. Or maybe I will. I don't know. These are just some things I've been thinking.

I know the Lord knows the desires of my heart. Does that give me a guarantee? Nope. But at least I know I'm loved and that He's listening. And that will give me the guarantee that even if I'm single for the rest of my life, at least I won't be doing it all alone.

Finding Purpose

There is a particular spot on the wall that's been the source of my attention for the past two days. It's just above eye level -- right where I would prop my feet while laying on my bed. There is nothing fascinating about this spot. It is painted yellow -- and stands in the midst of my wall-sized painted sunbeam.
This false suggestion of sunshine was an attempt to bring brightness to my world. And I find it appropriately needed as of late.

I have been soul-searching.

As I try and decide whether to keep my current job or to take another one, I find myself in a cyclical state of meta-cognition. The big questions on my mind:
What is my purpose here?
What do I want?
And Heavenly Father, is there something I should be doing right now?

To me, these are big questions that have floated heavily adrift in my head for the better part of three years.
I thought going to grad school would make the questions disappear.
I thought getting a job in network news would make it all go away.

But no.
I'm still with myself and my similar thoughts.

I have come up with many ideas about what I want to do with my life. I realize that most of it is about enjoying what you have and loving the journey. But I also know that I feel very stuck.

There is nothing in particular that my heart desires to do right now.

Except continue looking at that spot on the wall.

I'm not looking for ideas. I have plenty of those. I just haven't come up with anything that makes me excited. None that seem to yield satisfaction that would equal or go beyond the level of investment.

I have plenty of friends who have that one thing that sparks their passion. And they can live the rest of their lives on that fire alone.

But I don't have that. I can't say I necessarily long for that either. I would just like at least a few things to get me started.

I've been asked, "What do you like to do that always makes you happy?"
There's not really anything.

The only thing I've been able to come up with is talking with the people I love most.

But no one gets monetary payment for that.

I haven't tired of the spot on the wall yet.
But I'm tired of feeling as if the clock is ticking and that I'm just watching it. My hours are spent alone with very little to do. My motivation to do "things" just isn't there anymore.

I would like to add wonderful joys to my life. But I suppose the unfortunate fact is that today, that spot on the wall is just more fulfilling.

At the Playground

Last night I was walking with Watson and heard a couple women singing a familiar rhyme to a baby. Do you know this one?

Cinderalla, dressed in yellow
Went upstairs to kiss a fella
Made a mistake and kissed a snake!
How many doctors did it take?

I LOVED jumproping to this song! And, in general, just adored the jump rope, the double dutch, and any and every rope-jumping derivation.

My other loves on the playground:
Monkey bars (I imagined I was the next MaryLou Retton)
Hopscotch

Oh! I miss those days! I wanna double-dutch!
What games did you like to play?

My Voice

For the past year I've been taking voice lessons.
I have taken them for much of the past 20 years of my life, but this past year I have truly found my voice.

I had taken a break from singing for a while. And during that time I let myself develop really bad habits. Mostly, I had found a way to keep my voice trapped inside my throat. I would actually control things too much -- tightening my jaw and my tongue, overthinking my vowels... I had been holding my voice in so much that it was actually hard for other people to hear the powerful beauty I had hiding inside of me!

Really all I needed to do was relax and let it all go. And now, for the first time, I'm able to hear my voice resonate beautifully and without pain or adjustment. It just flies and rings!

At first I was very resistant to my teacher's instruction. Admittedly, I didn't really like the way I sounded. My voice was unrecognizable... and I wasn't used to feeling that way. But now, I realize it was worth risking a change. I actually hear my voice differently!

It has taken me an entire year to undo the damage I've done to myself.


Today at my lesson I will sing a song that I think is appropriate. I wanted to share the words with you.

Anyone Can Whistle
Anyone can whistle.
That's what they say,
"Easy."
Anyone can whistle
any old day.
Easy.
It's all so simple
Relax, let go, let fly.
So someone tell me why can't I?

I can dance a tango,
I can read Greek.
Easy.
I can slay a dragon
any old week.
Easy.
What's hard is simple
What's natural comes hard.

Maybe you could show me
how to let go,
lower my guard,
learn to be free
Maybe you could whistle,
whistle for me.



My dear friends, it has taken me a long time to learn the most simple things in this world. I have easily accomplished what many people call hard:
I have run a marathon.
I have a master's degree from an ivy league school.
I have accomplished my career goal to produce for network television news.

But the hardest thing I've had to gain was not something I had to attain. Rather, it's been something I've had to find within myself.

The hardest thing for me to do, was in essence, the most simple thing of all.

What's hard is simple
What's natural comes hard.

I have finally learned how to have JOY. I have finally learned that my purpose here is indeed very beautiful and simple: to be happy. And I have finally opened my heart to its many possibilities.
Because love, for all of us, is so possible.

I have finally begun allowing myself to learn and embrace the beautiful blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know, without a doubt, that the Lord wants me to be happy. I know, without a doubt, that He has blessings I cannot even imagine waiting for me. And I know, that all I have to do is let His love in and allow it to shine through me.

Other people can finally hear my true voice.

It's all so simple
Relax, let go, let fly.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is not only the biggest blessing in my life; it is my life source. Without it, I would continue controlling everything in my life and letting myself get in the way of my own happiness. I would still be seeking happiness instead of just letting it in.

Obviously I'm still in training. I'm still a work in progress. I don't assume to be perfect or even perfectly happy today. But I'm really enjoying the journey.

This morning I awoke with an even more powerful realization of the love the Lord has to offer me. I continually see His hand in my life and, to be honest, I'm continually amazed to feel that He can love me even more than I'm allowing him to.

I'm in the midst of deciding "what's next" for me. I keep asking, "Lord, what would you have me do?" And I'm excited to know that the opportunities for me are endless.

I am a very blessed person.
I am a very loved person.

And I want you to know that you are too!

Already Feeling Fall...

You guys! I'm so excited! Fall is only about a month away!!!! It's my favorite time of year and I'm already READY!
What are you excited about??

More Pics

Look! I'm getting better at remembering my camera! Now I just need to start downloading my pictures more often...
Here's Bonnie with sunshine and sunflowers. Nicest cat ever. She's been feeling pretty lonely lately. Poor thing!

This is Corey's friend, Chris. The two of them came down to the city a few weeks ago to get some suits. Chris got some for his mission and Corey got a couple because he looked hot in them.

Here are the boys at the airport as Chris heads to the MTC in Provo. He's going to serve a mission in Italy. Chris is a spiritual powerhouse. I'm so glad I met him!

Here we are on the way to the airport. They don't have cell phone/driving rules in New Hampshire yet. Weird. Nonetheless, this pic was taken when I'd pulled over to talk on the phone, so no need to send me emails from Captain Safety.

A couple weeks ago Corey was the DJ for a church dance. It was such fun! He was so great! People actually DANCED! Sad though -- there were requests for Disney music and country... yikes.

Corey's friend JP really wanted to sing Celine Dion for some reason. He's cute but tone deaf. He'll also be heading on a mission soon, so I suppose this means another day of suit shopping in the city. Goodness!

Some Fun in Boston

This is basically to lure jealousy my way.

I hung out with Lumina on Tuesday.
We went on a boat along the Charles River.
And had lots and lots of fun!

My Body

This is a fairly daring post for me. In an attempt to have an honest discussion about self-image, I've decided to post about some of my own insecurities that I've had over the years about my appearance. I think I have a relatively healthy esteem as far as my body is concerned. But I haven't always felt this way.

In junior high, I thought I was fat. I wasn't. In fact, I was quite little. But I envied my friends who looked ethnic. I longed for long brown locks and olive skin. Next to them I felt plain.
In high school I started to develop cellulite on my thighs. In general, I thought my legs were atrocious. I hated wearing shorts because I thought they brought attention to my calves.
My bootie was big. It still is.
In college, I pretty much hated myself.

Something I've realized over the years is that, unfortunately, many young women feel this way about themselves. And although I'm not a mother, I wonder how we will teach the next generation of girls to adore the bodies they were given -- flaws and all.

A few years ago my body started changing. My weight distribution shifted a bit. I was becoming a woman. I think I started getting small stretch marks around my hips. Now I look at my face in the mirror with honesty and see small imperfections. And as I get older, those imperfections will only become more obvious. My skin is a total contradiction: extremely dry in some spots and oily in others. I have small red spots appearing under my eyes. And I still get acne! Nonetheless, I think I'm growing older gracefully. My weight fluctuates (ir)regularly. I now weigh the least I have in years and am actually trying to gain back a few pounds (my pants are falling off! ack!).

I am what I am.

Look, I'm not talking about all this to have some silly girls pity party. Or to have anyone say, "Tam, you look great!" and have us lift each other up. Whatever. I look the way I look and I actually like it. If you've seen me walk, then you know I like the package I was given.

But I bring this up because I've noticed something about myself recently. As a single woman I sometimes wonder whether (and why) men prefer other women over me. It's true. It's an insecurity I'm currently allowing myself to process. I haven't really been like this too much in the past few years but for some reason my junior high compare/contrast habits have been creeping up on me. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just because things have been going so well that I have nothing else to worry about...?
I dunno.
But I find myself wondering at times, "would he prefer her?" Also, for the first time, I've wished for bigger boobs. I suppose I'm admitting that I feel a little insufficient. And mostly I'm wondering this: Am I womanly enough to please one man forever?

So what's up with this? Why am I - a reasonably attractive and sufficiently healthy and happy person - thinking this way?
Do you marrieds ever think this way? Or is this simply a singles thing? Or just a Tamara thing? I'm just looking for honesty here.

There are many moments when I feel drop-dead sexy. I love to dress up and step up my shake-the-bootie strut. But the fact is, I really hate the way men look at me. I can literally feel them undressing me with their eyes. And that makes me feel really, really uncomfortable. I LOVE feeling sexy and girly, but I hate that it comes with my neighbors lusting after me. Can we dress sexy without it triggering men to want to have sex with us?

I hope someday to be in a marriage where I can embrace my sexiness 24-7, y'know? I want a husband who can walk with pride and brag about his hot wife. :)
But it comes with this funny oxy-moron. As a single person, I actually don't want to appear too sexy. I'd like certain men to notice my sex appeal... and others to just look elsewhere. But yikes! We can't control that! What a horrible balance. So what's the answer here?

I also bring this up because let's face it: I work in the media and the media plays a very big role in the problem. And the problem also lies within each of us individually. Why don't many of us like the way we look? How do we promote being healthy AND HAPPY without stressing about it?

I've decided to be happy. With my whole self. So this recent wondering of "am I pretty enough?" is a little jarring. Maybe it's just another little hurdle. More shedding of old baggage. I dunno. But I'm interested to hear - if you dare - what you think about your own body image.

I know I've brought up a few strings of thought in this rant, so let me know if any of this has piqued your thoughts.

My Escape to Canadia

Last Friday was Corey's birthday! Woo hoo! Happy 28th!

So we took some time out for a good trip north. We headed to Palmyra, New York for the Hill Cumorah Pageant. And later that night we went to Seneca Falls to see the spot where the first big event for women's rights was held.


We learned that coincidentally, The Declaration of Sentiments was written on the 19th-20th of July, 1848... so we were there exactly 159 years after it happened! Cool, huh?

We hit the road and headed north. My first time in Canada. Weird, eh?

Check this out! This is Corey's pic of Niagara Falls. Looks like a postcard!



Then we headed to Toronto. We made it to the base of the CN building but decided not to waste two hours getting to the top. Corey was snapping lots of pics of the building and I decided to take some of him.

I mostly hang out with him because I think he's hot.


We then headed to a small town called Picton where we watched the sunset and ran onto some huge sand dunes. Um... no pictures of those! Ack!

Later that night we crossed the border back into the states. We were heading to a place called Alexandria Bay, New York. Corey and I had both seen a picture of it in a rest stop on our way to Palmyra. Basically, it's in the 1,000 Islands area. There's this one little island with a castle on it and a beautiful story to go along with it.

Back in the turn of the 20th century, a man named George C. Boldt bought the island for his wife. (Boldt had made his fortune through managing big hotels such as the famous Waldorf-Astoria here in the city and the Clover Club in Philly.) He called the island "Heart Island" and invested millions to create a castle similar to those in his home in the Rhineland. So the tale goes, the castle was to be a summer home for the family and a gift of his love for his wife. A year before completion, his wife, Louise, died of heart complications.
His heart was broken and he called off the building of the home, leaving it to the elements for several decades.
In the 70s, the island was locally purchased and the castle was finished. It's still undergoing lots of work, but is SO pretty!


After our visit to Boldt Castle, we hit the road and headed to Vermont. It's one of my new favorite states. I'd never been there before! And it's SOOOO green! We found a great campsite at a state park. Can you believe we couldn't find my tent poles? Sad! So we improvised. I don't think I took a picture of that! Man!
For the record, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE camping. I'd been bugging Corey about wanting to go camping ever since it started warming up. So finally, we went camping! And I think we'll have to go again. Soon. This time with tent poles.

In the morning we headed back home. And along the way we stopped at a rest area and learned that we had stopped in Sharon, Vermont -- birthplace of Joseph Smith. So we made a jaunt to the memorial of the prophet. What a cool place! We met a really great missionary couple, watched the movie in the Visitors Center, and checked out the memorial.

The house where he was born is no longer there. Instead, they have this small little bird house replica.



It started raining just as we started to leave.

What a perfect trip! I can't wait 'til the next one!

I Am Blessed

There are times when I see people and wonder how they are so happy. And I think I'm finally getting it.

They choose to be.

In my old stake in Oregon, there's a family I adore -- The Youngs. Any time I would ask Fontella (mom) how she was doing, she'd give me a big smile with, "Oh honey... I'm blessed!"

Why was she so blessed? And why was she always so happy?

I'm finally beginning to link the obvious pieces together. It's only taken 30 years. In some ways I feel behind. In others, I feel ahead.

I believe it's possible for us to be happy all the time and for us to truly have joy. I believe that's our purpose on Earth -- to feel joy. And it's our choice whether that's how we live our lives.

My question is this: Do you think it's easy to live a life of joy?

My answer is "yes." I think it's easy and I think we muck it up a lot. We get in the way of our own joy!

Do we have to struggle? Or do we just choose to?

Your thoughts please!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Um.
So I went to see Aretha Franklin on Saturday.
And I think we were the youngest people there.

Are you jealous?

(no. i don't have pics. grrr!)

:)

More Berry Stuff

I was reading my friend Jessica's recent post about cute things children say, and it reminded me of my own nieces and nephews.

Here's a story about my youngest niece, Aubrey -- or "Au-Berry" as she pronounces it. We call her "Berry" for short.

Aubrey's maternal great-grandfather had been in the hospital for gall bladder surgery. He's an adorable man who luckily recovered well. When he came home, Aubrey asked him what was wrong and where he had been.
"They had to take something out of my stomach," he explained.
Very concerned, Aubrey innocently looked at him wide-eyed and asked, "Was it blueberries??"

My Alter Ego(s)

As a kid, I went by Tammy. In the fifth grade my girlfriends and I experimented with the spelling of our names, and I believe I went by "Tami" for about six months.
All my friends from childhood to high school still call me Tammy. When some of them try to call me "Tamara"... it just sounds weird.

My dad always called me Tam.
Some people called me Tam-Tam, Tammy D, or just "Duricka."

I started going by Tamara in college. I thought it sounded pretty and "mature." I like it.

There was a long period of time when I thought I would never give up my last name when I married. I actually had a bit of a squabble with Corey over the whole name-change thing a few months back.
He asked, "What would your kids call you??!"
"Uh.. MOM?"
Now I've come up with a bit of a compromise... two last names, no hyphen. So I can go by Duricka when I feel like it or SmithAndWessonOrWhatever in the other moments. Or just swipe out my last name altogether. I dunno. I guess we'll see what kind of name I'm offered.

I will say that people in New York still don't know how to pronounce my first name. So I'm still using a tactic that my friend Kiki imposed upon me in Portland. Quite simply, when ordering something at Starbucks, give them a fake name that's easy to pronounce. I think the same should go for those moments when you're being hit on by creepy guys.
I use my middle name, Jane, as the pseudonym.
It was fabulous today when I was in Starbucks, with creepy guy oogling next to me, and the woman at the counter offered me the orange creme frap (turns out, not the greatest). She asked with a big smile, "Are you JANE?"

Am I?

I think we all get to a point where we really begin to identify with our names... when we really begin to own ourselves. For me, I don't really care about my name anymore.
I just care about whether I can identify with my own soul.

JULIET:
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face. O, be some other name
Belonging to a man.
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet.
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name;
And for thy name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.

Ellie on the One

My favorite time in New York is typically sitting on the subway, watching other people, realizing how weird they are, and then thinking "Heavenly Father loves them just as much as He loves me."

I love people.
I love weirdos.
And I love the sweet small spirits among the rest.

During the middle of the day, the doors of the train open to a stream of strollers heading off... and another mass leading in. They're pushed by nannies who look nothing like the wee ones they nurture.

Today I was in a rush. I sat down and disregarded standard operating procedure. No iPod. No scripture reading. Just watching.
A Hispanic woman was listening to a chatty blonde toddler. The little girl then looked matter-of-factly at the gentlman sitting next to her and asked, "What's your name?"
"John. What's yours?"
"Ellie."

Ellie went on to have a long discussion about who-knows-what and in the midst sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. The woman sitting next to me exchanged a laugh.
"Very personable," I suggested.

It made me wonder.
How do we end up as we do?
Why were we all at one point as fearless as Ellie? And what happened that leaves us now sitting among strangers who could be friends?
How odd would it be had I been the one to ask John his name? Would he have responded as kindly as he did to Ellie? And why is it that we ignore the homeless who sing on the train but enjoy the sounds of a little girl getting the words wrong?
Why are we so comfortable in our solitude?

I imagine Heaven will be a little different.

Thank Goodness

Re-centering
Forgiving myself for allowing so little love in my life
Making room for more
Creating necessary boundaries
Using the Atonement

Relaxing
Breathing
Feeling grace

Sunshine returns to my heart
Smiles return to my face
Songs once again touch my soul

I'm better for it

Finally becoming the peaceful spirit I truly am
Remembering sacred gratitude always
Awakened to my purpose
Realizing my worth
Embracing love and goodness
Looking forward to the life I'm intended to live!

Sweet Irony

SO.

I just found out that the job I've been training/filling in for will open up just as I plan to leave.

I think that's funny.
In a non-funny kinda way.

Don't take that the wrong way. I really don't want the job. I'm tired of being here. I said I'd give this job six months to a year and that's what I'll have done.



Last year I announced that the last ten years of my life had been about getting hurt in love and that these next ten would be about letting love in. I think I'm off to a good start.

So now... I've realized that the last 30 years have been about beating myself up.
I'm done with that. I've hurt myself and the people who mean most to me along the way. I'm just lucky that I have loved forgiving people.

My next 30 years will be about adding flavor to my life. I don't care if I have a huge career anymore - I've done that. Right now I just want to do whatever the Lord has in store for me.
I want to live my life in technicolor.

I have no idea what's next for me, but I think it will be good. I'm always up for an adventure like this I guess.
When I moved to Salt Lake, I had a job but no home.
When I moved to Portland, I had a home but no job.
Now... I kinda' don't have either - or even a destination - but I think it'll work.
Somehow.

Moving On Up... to the West Side

These past two years in New York have been a very, very big learning experience. The first year I spent in grad school. It tore down my brain and built it back up. The second I spent at GMA and in a long-distance relationship. It tore down my heart and built it back up.
Let's see... brain, heart... I guess what that leaves now for me is courage.

So now... I'm on my way out. In about a month or so, I'll pack up the car again and head due west. For now, I'm not so sure what the final gameplan is. I plan to improvise.

I will likely make a stop in Salt Lake for a few days. Then I'll hang out in Portland for a couple weeks. And will then head to L.A. to see if I want to stay there. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. But that's okay. For now I just really feel good about leaving New York. It's been an interesting love affair here. Some days I really liked it here. Other days I just wanted to do anything but go outside.

I've realized that I am destined for the suburbs.

Last week I sat outside in Cathy's backyard back home in northern Virginia. I longed for that peace and beauty! New York has a lot to offer, but it's just not my thing. Maybe five years ago I would have been more into it. Not so sure.
I have a feeling the city will be sad to see me go. At least my neighbors will...

Rock Bottom

The incredible thing about feeling your worst is that you realize in those pitiful moments that there will soon be nowhere to go but up.

It's then, through the climbing process, that we get to recreate our intentions, our actions, our desires. Is what we wanted still the same? Would we go about things the same way? What is it that makes us different having gone through the Refiner's fire?

As I now scrape the walls, pulling myself up to a new unknown version of today, I unearth new meaning and new purpose in my life. The dirt under my fingernails reveals old fears, finally being scraped away.

Soon I will stand at the top. Looking below me at where I've been, the foundation I've set. And I will be even closer to God and his purpose.


Release.
Breathe new breath.

Finally letting go.

Czech Please

So... it's been a year since my trip to the Czech Republic, Slovakia, and London... but I never posted the pics.
Ruthie, please forgive me. Here's some eye candy for ya.


I thought this was fantastic advertising. "Probably" the best... but we're not so sure...






Ah... crazy beautiful. I'd just spent months studying art, music, theatre, photography, graffiti, dance, spoken word, architecture... and among the many mysteries was Frank Gehry, a modern legend. These buildings are referred to as "Fred and Ginger." Apparently the locals thought this building was atrocious and wondered, "What the heck is that?" They decided it looked like two people dancing.
I decided it just looks cool.


Overlooking the mote from the castle in Cesky Krumlov.


Their history might very well be cooler than ours. Not sure...


Medusa...

Medusa's friend


Off to London with mom

It's Never Too Late

My grandfather is 99. He hits the century mark in November.

This year has been a big one for him.

In February, he and my step-grandmother moved from L.A. to Minneapolis to be closer to her family. It was the first time Grandpa had left California in 70 years!
I think the move somehow gave him a little strength in his character... certainly a side I hadn't seen in him in a long, long time.

This week, for the second time in his 99th year, Grandpa is moving across the country. He's headed to Oregon to be near our family... leaving his wife to be alongside hers.

It's quite the change for anyone -- but certainly for a man nearing his 100th year.

So it makes me think about the many things I still want to do with my life... and about how I actually have a lot of time.
And it makes me want to dream even bigger than I have before, love more, and believe in more. We're not done yet... Eternity is just beginning.

This life is my story. So I'm going to do all I can to make it one worth telling.


Maybe I will wait to have children in my 80s...
Then they can change MY diapers!

Amazing Grace

My angels are here upon this Earth... Disguised as family, friends, sweet puppies and kitties, strangers who pray for me, and new smiling faces.

Every day, I am more amazed at the blessings bestowed upon me. Many of those appear through painful moments that somehow remind me of the Lord's love for me.

I am back in my hometown with my very first friend, Cathy. She made me a chocolate cake, took the day off work, and bought some new movies for us to watch.
I have no idea how she ever remained friends with me. Many of the stories from our childhood reveal how I wanted to fit in with my classmates and excluded her from the group. We competed in everything. Shared everything. And were closer than I could imagine any sister would have been.

I asked her today, "How in the world are you still friends with me?"
She stated simply, "There is too much invested."


Tonight, Watson howled with anger at the neighbor's angry pitbull. I walked out in frustration to lure him inside and somehow tripped on the brick patio. I thought I was okay at first but then noticed I actually had an awfully huge gash on my big toe. I walked inside and announced that I was bleeding rather badly.
Her fiance rushed to me with a tissue and applied pressure to the wound. Cathy grabbed peroxide. The two carefully placed my toe inside a bowl while Cathy poured the bottle of peroxide and cleaned the cut, scraping out pieces of dirt.

It proved to be a physical reminder of something I'd once again been realizing in the past few days:
I have a high tolerance for pain.

I looked at my two friends mending my wounds... and was humbled by the great love they have for me. I thought how I could do it myself, but I am so grateful for the care I have been shown... For their help in a time of need, when I could have easily drowned in lonely sorrow alone.


Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God; He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a bason, and began to wash the disciples’ feet...
John 13:3-5

A Paradigm Shift

I'm beginning to invest in some friendships out here. And I think I'm allowing myself to enjoy life more -- in general and in New York. I'm also making some decisions that are leading me into a transitional stage... mostly in regards to my career.

Something I've realized lately... I have a lot to offer. Plus, I also think that I can do a variety of things. And I think I'm finally starting to realize that I don't need one 40 hour/week job to justify whether I'm a good employee or on the right track for my career. So one of my big ideas lately is to keep working part-time and to add a few new elements into my life... such as being an extra in movies, helping young journalists through teaching, and volunteering a bit.
These are just ideas so far. But this is kinda a whole new approach to look at life for me -- a paradigm shift. And I'm enjoying the opportunities.

Mini Me

This is my youngest niece, Aubrey. She just turned 4 last Saturday (coincidentally my dad's birthday too!). I'm so grateful for her for so many reasons. Among them: knowing my genes work! This poor kid not only resembles my looks but my silly personality too. But she's about a-million times more cool than I ever was. So fun!!

Still Looking

So I was recently turned down for a job. I suppose I needed the humbling because I thought I was a shoo-in after the interview. I'm not too bummed about not getting it. It wasn't a dream job. I'm moreso bummed that this means I'm back to wondering, "What job do I want?" and "Where do I want to work?"
I feel as if I've been going through this routine a few times over the past few years... especially over the past six months. And now I feel as if I'm on some sort of a deadline.

You know the adage that defines insanity as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result"?

As I approach this routine again I'm trying to figure out how to approach this whole thing differently. I'm not really sure!

Is there some sort of way you approach these sorts of decisions?

Advice From a Housewife

Every now and then my job allows me to speak with really interesting people. Today I spoke briefly with Marcia Cross, from "Desperate Housewives." In the past two years, show's gone from being publicly assumed a lesbian, to a new bride, to a new mommy times two (yea for twins!). She recently turned 45.

So here's what she had to say about going from being single to inviting a wonderful man into her life:

I was not a hopeful person before. So be hopeful! I actually think that this was a lof of work for myself. I was attracted to a lot of artists and men who didn't want to get married. I didn't know whether I was going to be attracted to the right kind of guy. I don't know what happened. Finally I was attracted to someone. And I didn't put the blame out there. I didn't say, "There are no men in Los Angeles." I took responsibility for myself.


(Not really sure why I felt the need to post this, but hopefully it's helpful to someone out there!)

An Unexpected Road Trip

So last Friday my dear friend Tracey called me as I was getting ready for bed. She was in Newark and her plane to Syracuse had been cancelled. So she went to the bus station near by. But the bus never came. So I decided to pick her up and drive her up there.

Tracey met a girl at the bus stop in a similar situation. Trish came with and her sister drove down from Syracuse to meet us halfway.

It was an adventure! We kept getting lost but finally arrived just outside Binghamton after 4am. Driving back home I watched the sunrise over parts of eastern Pennsylvania. It drew me back to some of the fantastic moments on my cross-country drive last summer.

Wednesday I came home to find a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Tracey. Along with some yummy chocolates.

I will drive eight hours again if I know chocolate is on the other end!

The Cheese Stands Alone

I'm feeling lonely.

Booked my flight

I just booked a flight to visit Portland at the end of the month. I'll be there the last weekend. Could you please let me know if anything is going on then? It would be good to see people!

Happy Easter!!!

My Next Path in Life

I had a phone interview this morning. The job sounds okay. I would be starting out working an unfortunate schedule. But I believe I'm also currently working an unfortunate schedule, so I guess that's not much different! I'm also in talks with my current employer about further "opportunities for growth."

That all had me asking myself, "What is my big long-term goal?" I don't think I really have one. In fact, I think I have a few, which is making things sort of difficult.

I started out my career planning just one path with just me on it. I wanted to get as far up the ladder as I could, as quickly as possible. And for a while, I was on my way.
Then a few years ago I stayed in one place. I liked it there. I realized there were many, many paths I could take and I liked the one I was on... mostly.

So here I am, choosing another path.
My two paths to choose from right now both offer me a life still here in New York, but offer me a tad bit differing career goals. Just a tad. And I'm wondering the best approach.

This has me thinking about something else...

Ladies, tell me your thoughts. I've had many discussions about our inevitable choice of the "two paths" of our lives. I'm going to be blunt. Many of us feel we need to plan the path of "What if I end up alone?" and "What if I end up married?" Is it a fact that we give up one path for the other? When we were told "you can have it all" when we were young, were we lied to? Can you have it all? Do you WANT it all? Are any of you seriously going to comment on this on my blog?

Grody to the Max

Let's talk about this.
I had the flu yesterday. All hail live-streaming General Conference or my sicko self wouldn't have been spiritually uplifted.
Today I've had some broth, gatorade, and crackers.
I do not like feeling ill.
PLUS, I came to work. Am I crazy?
[that was rhetorical]

I have a job interview tomorrow.

Signs of Spring

In a last-ditch effort for Winter to get its snow on...

the city was surprised with a St. Patrick's Day snowfall.





Two Yellow Snow Angels
So what does one do when it's nasty outside???
Put a little Spring in your step at a shoe party!

As most Stahr parties go, this extravaganza was filled with good people...


good food...
good fun...

and good shoes!

Wow... I was actually springing into action with my camera!








More proof of Spring?
Love blossoming!

Can you tell who is the professional photographer?And who is NOT?

As of Late...

I hung out with my friend, Chip, on Saturday night to hear some live bands. I was totally blown away by Heather Park's performance. The girl's got PIPES! Totally impressed. I wish my voice were as good as hers. Check out her site.

Seasons Change... I Hope!!!

I'm hoping winter is finally over. Weeks of snow on the ground is more than I can handle!
Sure... it looks pretty. But don't let it fool you! That snow requires FREEZING temperatures! Just imagine walking the dogs every morning and every night in it!!!

But now it's (hopefully) onto warmer weather. The time has changed and hopefully it means times are a changin.
Today the sun was out. My old roomie, Paola, and I met up at Union Square and walked around for a bit.We spent time shopping, had lunch, and then found a bench to sit on and chat. But mostly we sat beside the dog park and watched the puppies play.