Boys don't have to deal with this. They are born as Sam Smith and they stay that way. Girls? We have somehow traditionally been stuck with the decision making. Shall I just take his name? Should I keep my maiden name? Should I hyphenate?
A few years back I was really anti-name-change. I had just started dating a guy and we were sitting among a bunch of friends when this same discussion came up. From across the room he argued, "WHY wouldn't a girl change her last name? That's so dumb. She's part of a new family now, so she should change it."
"Um..." I piped in earnestly, "I'm not changing my name."
We stopped dating.
When I married Mr. Johnson I quickly became Mrs. Johnson. Maybe it's because I was in my 30s when I married. Or maybe it's because I had my whole career using my maiden name. Or maybe it's because there is only 1 Tamara Duricka in this world and (according to all-knowing google) there are more than 1,094 women named Tamara Johnson... I've been having a hard time with the switch. This has been a bit more than an identity crisis as I try to figure out which name to stamp on the front of my new little book.
These are the thoughts that go through my head...
*I did this project using my maiden name, so keep my maiden name as part of it.
*I'm married now. This is about a cynical girl who wanted to be better at dating and was surprised when she ended up married. Be sure to use your married name somewhere.
*Use all three names. It'll be fine even though it's a mouthful.
*Don't use all three. No one should, unless your name is awesome like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Besides it gives away the ending.
*Johnson is simple and easy to pronounce. The maiden name isn't, so drop it.
*There are already at least three other authors who have used 'Tamara Johnson' (two with a middle initial)
*Go totally different and use your given middle name: Tamara Jane Johnson. It's cute.
*No. No one knows you as that name, why would you use that?
*Does it really matter? You will be lucky if anyone other than your mom actually reads that thing anyway.
I've chatted with a few women who've debated their name changes over the years. They get married and use their married name. Then they change back to their maiden name at work. People think she got divorced. Or she actually gets divorced. And then maybe she remarries.
In some ways, I hate the fact that women have been forced into such a traditional role. Just as that old boyfriend said to me in heavy defense, "Women should change their name. You will be part of a whole new family! What will your children call you?"
"MOM."
But this name-changing opportunity does give us a chance to own our own identities. What do we want people to call us? How much of a statement is a married woman making if she chooses her husband's name? Is it an even bigger statement when she doesn't?
I have a friend who took her husband's last name when they married only under the condition that he take her maiden name as another middle name. Apparently it was much more difficult at the Social Security office for him to add a middle name than it was for her to change her last name.
Is this all too archaic? How important is it really?
I think of dear Samuel Clemens, who would still have been one of the best authors of all time had he stuck with his real name and not gone with Mark Twain. Does it really matter what we call ourselves? Isn't it more important that we deliver something substantial to the world than what we call it?
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (Act 2, scene ii)
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (Act 2, scene ii)
When my parents divorced, my mom kept her married name. That way people would know she was our mom. Plus, the paperwork is a hassle. Then she remarried and considered keeping my dad's last name. My step-dad wasn't too keen on that idea. So she changed it to what is apparently the most popular Irish name: Pat Kelly.
What do you think about your name? Have you changed it? Would you?
(I'm also posting this on my 31 Dates blog)
What do you think about your name? Have you changed it? Would you?
(I'm also posting this on my 31 Dates blog)
9 comments:
Even though I am single and single can be, I still periodically think about this. I have several women in my family who did not change their names: my aunt, my sister, my sister-in-law. My aunt never did because she had written publications and I think it just made it easier. My sister and husband haven't figured out what they want to call themselves so they just each left their names as is. My sister in law and brother legally have retained their last names.
I joke that I would only change my name if I liked my husband's last name at least as much as my own. But it is kind of true as I am not sure I would change my name. No reason for it, other than the fact I have a much stronger affinity for my surname than I do my first name. I feel like it is as much a part of me emotionally as a limb is physically. I almost always include it on a name tag, even if I look around and see others haven't included theirs.
In Chile the women don't change their name when they get married. It's the tradition not to change it.
I know a gal here in Bellingham who created a new name with her husband when they got married and they both changed names.
I have one sister who changed her name and one sister who didn't when they got married.
I know police officers who change their name in their personal lives but continue with the maiden name in their work life.
To the guy who said you'd be joining a new family and so it'd be stupid not to change your name, I say that is a stupid arguement. It's not like the guy isn't joining a new family when he gets married, too.
To you Tamara, I say whatever you choose it will be you and it'll be great whatever it is. Those of us who love you, love you for who you are and not what your name is. Whatever name you pick,it'll reflect who you are to you, and we will accept and embrace because it is attached to you!
And you can always change your mind and change it again in the future if you feel that strongly about it later, too.
Got married at age 20 and took my husbands last name. Still happy in marriage 12 years later. I like that I have the same last name as my kids.
However, in your situation I would probably hyphenate. My kids pediatrician was single when she started her practice. We still call her Dr. Miller, but on her business cards she has hyphenated it as Miller-Ames now that she is married.
If you hyphenate, it won't give away the ending. People will still read your book. I am an avid reader and I often know something about what I'm reading before I get started.
Although I gave my opinion here I will say you should do what makes sense to you. It's just a name. People will call you what you tell them to call you.
For a long time growing up I always thought I'd keep my maiden name. However when I got married I changed it right over! It was definitely an adjustment and sometimes it still is... but overall I love sharing the same last name as my husband. :)
Tamara Jane Johnson flows well and is beautiful - but Tamara Duricka Johnson showcases (in a way) who you were and who you are now - I love them both!!
Good luck with your decision. It's not an easy one and we can all give you our opinions but you're the one still left with making the final choice... can't wait to find out what it is!!
Tamara Duricka Johnson is your identity past and present. I think it flows very well and is NOT a mouthful.
When I got married I didnt hyphenate my last name but I did keep my maiden name as another middle name and included it in my signature.
When I got divorced my name & signature was shortened.
I debate whether I will add the new last name again. Right now I think that I will keep my maiden name and just go by the the married name in social settings. I may end up adding on a new last name but I will never give up Sutherland. It is who I have been the longest.
I have some strong opinions on this topic. I, too, am the only person in the world with my name, Malia Hite. Everyday at work I am "Ms. Hite." At church and on my mission I was "Sister Hite." Amongst friends I am "Hite." My license play says, "HITE." Hite is so much of who I am that I can hardly imagine losing it. Although I am single and don't have to make this decision right now, I know what I will choose should the day present itself.
I will be Malia Hite McGillacuddy (please note that the final surname is fictional and I am not, nor have I ever dated a McGillacuddy).
I will drop my current middle name, Laureen, and take Hite as my new middle name.
Any publications that I write will have the entire name credited, Malia Hite McGillacuddy. However, in my personal and daily life I will be Malia McGillacuddy.
This is what I would recommend to you. "Tamara Duricka Johnson."
It's who you are, at least in my mind. I will likely call you, "Duricka" for the rest of my life and perhaps beyond...although there is that tricky eternal naming thing that is still a mystery to me.
All that said, I will run out and buy your book (and tell everyone I know to go buy it) regardless of what name is on the front cover.
I love the symbolism of unity of sharing a name with a spouse - it truly is a way of becoming one. But I am also strongly attached to my last name, Nuckols. It is such a part of my identity! It would be really hard for me to be one of the million of Jen Smiths out there, for example. I think keeping Duricka as a middle name seems like a good compromise! Aaah, the challenges and dilemmas of being a modern woman...
Hey! I just found this blog! It looks like you have been working on some really cool projects. Congrats on getting married!
I just had to comment because the name change thing is something I have thought about a lot.
When I got married I decided to keep my maiden name. My decision to so was based on two things: first my mother telling me since age 5 that good feminists don't change their names when the get married (and i wanted to be a good feminist!). and second, I didn't want to have to give my my canadian health care benefits. lame eh.
For know it is working for me....but i do wonder what will happen when/if we have children. Will we hyphenate their names? If we don't hyphenate and they go my my husbands name (his preference) will I feel isolated from the family I've created?
I'll be sure to pick up a copy of your book when it comes out!
As sister Natalie says in "Girls Just want to have Fun", "Decisions are the worst."
I think you have all sorts of fabulous reasons to do choose any of your options. As for me and my decision, I always thought I hated Booren and would give it up as soon as I was able, but when the time came to fill out the paperwork, I just couldn't part with it. I wanted people to know the wonderful family from whom I hailed (since Booren, like Duricka, is kind of unique). And since Booren has done way more for my character than Amanda ever did, I ditched the first middle name and substituted Booren.
I personally love it. I love that I can be both Sara Booren Marler and Sara Marler depending on who I am talking to. And I love that my quirky maiden name is still very much a part of me.
Good luck on the decision, and know that you are not the only one to AGONIZE over this decision.
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