The questions people tend to ask when they see me these days...
1. How's the book?
2. How's married life?
3. Did your brother and his wife have their kid?
4. They have SEVEN?
5. How are you liking Los Angeles?
6. Do you miss New York?
Most of these questions have simple answers.
My book has taken up most of my brain space for the last two years and has whittled away all that was left over. And I likely don't have the best outlook on Los Angeles because I don't really go out a lot. My life isn't as exciting as I could make it appear on Facebook or Twitter with carefully crafted over-exuberant phrases like, "I love living so close to Beverly Hills!" or "The sun is SO GORGEOUS out here!"... which really means it looks awesome outside my window.
I guess I could tell people that life is a constant adventure filled with galavanting around Hollywood and meshing my life with celebrities. But let's be honest. That was really more like my life in New York. I had size 2 jeans, a great paycheck, and lots of people who I called "friends" while others called them "famous."
I do miss all that. But really what I miss are the guys who sat on front stoops grilling outside every day of the Summer, the walkability of everything, sitting outside a restaurant and seeing friends pass by, and the random dudes who would check me out.
Seriously, I think I might miss that the most.
The sensible side of me would suggest that I don't hear cat calls anymore because I have a ring on my finger. But any wise woman will tell you that rings don't dissuade a man from a good opportunity to give a woman a compliment. After all, most common cat calls go something like this.
"You married?"
To which most single women respond, "yes," assuming it will end further questions... to no avail.
"You love him?"
Pretty much I'm in the land of no cat calls because:
A. my days are filled sitting in my apartment with my cat, snacking and typing while wearing my (size 8) sweatpants.
and B., Los Angeles is a city where people drive. Gone are the days of momentary intimate conversations between me and random dudes who likely find joy by hitting on every woman walking down the street.
Every time I'm asked, "Do you miss New York?" - or any time that I think back to my life pre-now - I have to remind myself that it's not just the city that I miss, but it's also the constant surrounding of human interaction, no matter how unwelcome or bizarre. These days my constant interaction is with cupcakes, jelly beans, procrastinating visits to the refrigerator, and brisk walks to the corner Starbucks for my glimpses of crowds, celebrities and the five seconds of real life human communication with someone asking me what size I'd like of my hot chocolate. I even give my real name when they ask.
Things have changed.
I constantly remind myself that if the potential for friends - or even cat calls - is as far in my past as my size 2 pants, then I will be okay. Because I still have my dreams of changing the world, one word at a time, making my never-ending battle with a book seemingly "worth it." I have love in my heart that I share with the few people I see, reminding me that love is grand, even when it seems small in scale. I still hold onto the hope that people everywhere will somehow hear my muffled voice shouting with joy, no matter where I am. But most of all, I have to realize that being in the trenches is often the most teachable part of the journey. And because of that, my dear friends, I cannot forget (although, admittedly, too often I do), that God has not forgotten me, but in fact, He's been blessing me this whole time.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
What's in a name?
For the past year I've been trying to figure out my new name.
Boys don't have to deal with this. They are born as Sam Smith and they stay that way. Girls? We have somehow traditionally been stuck with the decision making. Shall I just take his name? Should I keep my maiden name? Should I hyphenate?
A few years back I was really anti-name-change. I had just started dating a guy and we were sitting among a bunch of friends when this same discussion came up. From across the room he argued, "WHY wouldn't a girl change her last name? That's so dumb. She's part of a new family now, so she should change it."
"Um..." I piped in earnestly, "I'm not changing my name."
We stopped dating.
When I married Mr. Johnson I quickly became Mrs. Johnson. Maybe it's because I was in my 30s when I married. Or maybe it's because I had my whole career using my maiden name. Or maybe it's because there is only 1 Tamara Duricka in this world and (according to all-knowing google) there are more than 1,094 women named Tamara Johnson... I've been having a hard time with the switch. This has been a bit more than an identity crisis as I try to figure out which name to stamp on the front of my new little book.
These are the thoughts that go through my head...
*I did this project using my maiden name, so keep my maiden name as part of it.
*I'm married now. This is about a cynical girl who wanted to be better at dating and was surprised when she ended up married. Be sure to use your married name somewhere.
*Use all three names. It'll be fine even though it's a mouthful.
*Don't use all three. No one should, unless your name is awesome like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Besides it gives away the ending.
*Johnson is simple and easy to pronounce. The maiden name isn't, so drop it.
*There are already at least three other authors who have used 'Tamara Johnson' (two with a middle initial)
*Go totally different and use your given middle name: Tamara Jane Johnson. It's cute.
*No. No one knows you as that name, why would you use that?
*Does it really matter? You will be lucky if anyone other than your mom actually reads that thing anyway.
I've chatted with a few women who've debated their name changes over the years. They get married and use their married name. Then they change back to their maiden name at work. People think she got divorced. Or she actually gets divorced. And then maybe she remarries.
In some ways, I hate the fact that women have been forced into such a traditional role. Just as that old boyfriend said to me in heavy defense, "Women should change their name. You will be part of a whole new family! What will your children call you?"
"MOM."
But this name-changing opportunity does give us a chance to own our own identities. What do we want people to call us? How much of a statement is a married woman making if she chooses her husband's name? Is it an even bigger statement when she doesn't?
I have a friend who took her husband's last name when they married only under the condition that he take her maiden name as another middle name. Apparently it was much more difficult at the Social Security office for him to add a middle name than it was for her to change her last name.
Is this all too archaic? How important is it really?
I think of dear Samuel Clemens, who would still have been one of the best authors of all time had he stuck with his real name and not gone with Mark Twain. Does it really matter what we call ourselves? Isn't it more important that we deliver something substantial to the world than what we call it?
Boys don't have to deal with this. They are born as Sam Smith and they stay that way. Girls? We have somehow traditionally been stuck with the decision making. Shall I just take his name? Should I keep my maiden name? Should I hyphenate?
A few years back I was really anti-name-change. I had just started dating a guy and we were sitting among a bunch of friends when this same discussion came up. From across the room he argued, "WHY wouldn't a girl change her last name? That's so dumb. She's part of a new family now, so she should change it."
"Um..." I piped in earnestly, "I'm not changing my name."
We stopped dating.
When I married Mr. Johnson I quickly became Mrs. Johnson. Maybe it's because I was in my 30s when I married. Or maybe it's because I had my whole career using my maiden name. Or maybe it's because there is only 1 Tamara Duricka in this world and (according to all-knowing google) there are more than 1,094 women named Tamara Johnson... I've been having a hard time with the switch. This has been a bit more than an identity crisis as I try to figure out which name to stamp on the front of my new little book.
These are the thoughts that go through my head...
*I did this project using my maiden name, so keep my maiden name as part of it.
*I'm married now. This is about a cynical girl who wanted to be better at dating and was surprised when she ended up married. Be sure to use your married name somewhere.
*Use all three names. It'll be fine even though it's a mouthful.
*Don't use all three. No one should, unless your name is awesome like Jennifer Love Hewitt. Besides it gives away the ending.
*Johnson is simple and easy to pronounce. The maiden name isn't, so drop it.
*There are already at least three other authors who have used 'Tamara Johnson' (two with a middle initial)
*Go totally different and use your given middle name: Tamara Jane Johnson. It's cute.
*No. No one knows you as that name, why would you use that?
*Does it really matter? You will be lucky if anyone other than your mom actually reads that thing anyway.
I've chatted with a few women who've debated their name changes over the years. They get married and use their married name. Then they change back to their maiden name at work. People think she got divorced. Or she actually gets divorced. And then maybe she remarries.
In some ways, I hate the fact that women have been forced into such a traditional role. Just as that old boyfriend said to me in heavy defense, "Women should change their name. You will be part of a whole new family! What will your children call you?"
"MOM."
But this name-changing opportunity does give us a chance to own our own identities. What do we want people to call us? How much of a statement is a married woman making if she chooses her husband's name? Is it an even bigger statement when she doesn't?
I have a friend who took her husband's last name when they married only under the condition that he take her maiden name as another middle name. Apparently it was much more difficult at the Social Security office for him to add a middle name than it was for her to change her last name.
Is this all too archaic? How important is it really?
I think of dear Samuel Clemens, who would still have been one of the best authors of all time had he stuck with his real name and not gone with Mark Twain. Does it really matter what we call ourselves? Isn't it more important that we deliver something substantial to the world than what we call it?
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (Act 2, scene ii)
By any other name would smell as sweet."
-Romeo and Juliet (Act 2, scene ii)
When my parents divorced, my mom kept her married name. That way people would know she was our mom. Plus, the paperwork is a hassle. Then she remarried and considered keeping my dad's last name. My step-dad wasn't too keen on that idea. So she changed it to what is apparently the most popular Irish name: Pat Kelly.
What do you think about your name? Have you changed it? Would you?
(I'm also posting this on my 31 Dates blog)
What do you think about your name? Have you changed it? Would you?
(I'm also posting this on my 31 Dates blog)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Dreams and Theme Music
I was just chatting with a friend about those moments in our lives when we're pursuing - or even living - our dreams, but we feel like frauds.
During grad school, I felt as if I were a fraud the entire time. I was just waiting for someone to discover that I had no idea what I was doing and then, in a very stern voice, ask me to leave. I cried most days.
And then I started to work on my thesis. I holed myself up in the radio lab and spent weeks working all night, sometimes even taking naps on the floor, using my coat as a pillow. I had somehow remembered that even if I hadn't gone to a big-named undergrad, or I didn't have the same newspaper background as my classmates, or I hadn't published a book, I still loved to work and give storytelling my best shot.
Eventually, I realized that maybe I wasn't a fraud as much as I was just a work-in-progress.
Same goes for my never-ending journey to define myself as a writer. I spend my days writing, thinking about writing, reading about writing, and still. I can't help but think I'm a fraud.
And then there was my friend, who is busily working at all hours of the day as an interior decorator, her lifelong dream. She dresses like a decorator - fashionably draped in fine cloths and textures with a touch of something fun, like an unexpected colorful broach. She talks like a designer, seeing the world through its visual beauties. She easily points out the details that make a room, a person, or even a joke special. And yet, as she finds herself swimming in stores surrounded by thousands of fabrics, she's not so sure if she's got it all together.
Yesterday, she received a little bit of validation after a visit with her old college professor, who's - of course - impressed with her work. Here's a little bit of something she just shared with me:
"I really needed that step back from my life which I tend to get overwhelmed and stressed and insecure about, and to realize that I actually am doing what I want to be doing. And that I am pretty successful. I don't think I knew that about myself. Lately I tend to feel like I am failing."
Oh!!! How glorious is that?! She is such a success already! Yet, she's in the midst of those trying, delicate moments when we are wanting - so badly - to be great at something. We are trying so hard, that all we can see are the mistakes!
Don't we all do that? We make so many mistakes along the way, that we somehow think, "I'm no good at this at all."
We are all taking our journeys up the mountain. And with each step closer to the top we think, "how much longer is it??" Sometimes we feel all like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up only to fall back down to the bottom. We stand, yet again, at the bottom of the mountain and look up wondering, "Can I do this?"
Sure. There is much to be said for people who really aren't good at certain things. There are times we need to reassess, accept defeat and disappointment, and take our lessons to move on. Those moments are humbling and beautiful.
But there are also the times when we are working so hard to keep fulfilling our lives that we forget about all the work that's already been behind us. And all the potential that remains ahead of us.
Are you in the midst of something great, but there is so much ahead of you that you feel overwhelmed by the remaining part of the journey?
Here was my fleeting advice to my dear, successful friend:
"Sometimes i feel like my "love story" is super lame and that I'm super lame. "There are days we all feel that way. Okay, let's be honest... there are MONTHS we all feel that way. But nah. You're doing so well. You're living your dream! You just kinda forget that you are because you don't hear all the theme music."
How easy to forget! As we are living our dreams today, let's turn up the inspiring theme music in our minds and remember where we are really standing.
During grad school, I felt as if I were a fraud the entire time. I was just waiting for someone to discover that I had no idea what I was doing and then, in a very stern voice, ask me to leave. I cried most days.
And then I started to work on my thesis. I holed myself up in the radio lab and spent weeks working all night, sometimes even taking naps on the floor, using my coat as a pillow. I had somehow remembered that even if I hadn't gone to a big-named undergrad, or I didn't have the same newspaper background as my classmates, or I hadn't published a book, I still loved to work and give storytelling my best shot.
Eventually, I realized that maybe I wasn't a fraud as much as I was just a work-in-progress.
Same goes for my never-ending journey to define myself as a writer. I spend my days writing, thinking about writing, reading about writing, and still. I can't help but think I'm a fraud.
And then there was my friend, who is busily working at all hours of the day as an interior decorator, her lifelong dream. She dresses like a decorator - fashionably draped in fine cloths and textures with a touch of something fun, like an unexpected colorful broach. She talks like a designer, seeing the world through its visual beauties. She easily points out the details that make a room, a person, or even a joke special. And yet, as she finds herself swimming in stores surrounded by thousands of fabrics, she's not so sure if she's got it all together.
Yesterday, she received a little bit of validation after a visit with her old college professor, who's - of course - impressed with her work. Here's a little bit of something she just shared with me:
"I really needed that step back from my life which I tend to get overwhelmed and stressed and insecure about, and to realize that I actually am doing what I want to be doing. And that I am pretty successful. I don't think I knew that about myself. Lately I tend to feel like I am failing."
Oh!!! How glorious is that?! She is such a success already! Yet, she's in the midst of those trying, delicate moments when we are wanting - so badly - to be great at something. We are trying so hard, that all we can see are the mistakes!
Don't we all do that? We make so many mistakes along the way, that we somehow think, "I'm no good at this at all."
We are all taking our journeys up the mountain. And with each step closer to the top we think, "how much longer is it??" Sometimes we feel all like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up only to fall back down to the bottom. We stand, yet again, at the bottom of the mountain and look up wondering, "Can I do this?"
Sure. There is much to be said for people who really aren't good at certain things. There are times we need to reassess, accept defeat and disappointment, and take our lessons to move on. Those moments are humbling and beautiful.
But there are also the times when we are working so hard to keep fulfilling our lives that we forget about all the work that's already been behind us. And all the potential that remains ahead of us.
Are you in the midst of something great, but there is so much ahead of you that you feel overwhelmed by the remaining part of the journey?
Here was my fleeting advice to my dear, successful friend:
"Sometimes i feel like my "love story" is super lame and that I'm super lame. "There are days we all feel that way. Okay, let's be honest... there are MONTHS we all feel that way. But nah. You're doing so well. You're living your dream! You just kinda forget that you are because you don't hear all the theme music."
How easy to forget! As we are living our dreams today, let's turn up the inspiring theme music in our minds and remember where we are really standing.
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