It's incredible for me to think about the fact that I began this post nearly a year ago and have since saved it in draft form. It's even funnier for me to read the first line I wrote:
I've been thinking about this post for a few months.
As we moved into the year 2006, I remember thinking that it would be a year filled of mile-markers for me. Ten years after my father died. Ten years after my heart was broken. Ten years after much strain and strife. And ten years after my attempts to end it. My heart crumbled and my soul splintered.
I've gone through my old drafts of this blog post and have discovered some growth throughout this past anniversary year. So I continue with a very edited version of what I first wrote in the beginning of 2006.
Since then, I've been in a mode of survival and recovery.
When I celebrated my 28th birthday last year, I knew that this year would be significantly different. I knew that I would look at everything with a different perspective; I would look at it through the eyes of an 18 year old girl who was finally healing.
I feel very blessed that I was born on December 21st for many, many reasons. But one of my most favorite reasons is this opportunity of reflection, synchronized with the major annual events of Christmas and New Year's. I love thinking! Reflecting! Growing! And what a wonderful opportunity I've been given by being born on the first day of winter. The day marking the shortest day of the year, when every day after gets just more and more glimmers of light beaming onto our lives. The day marking the death of old things to make room for the new.
It's just one more reason why I feel as if I'm among the luckiest alive.
And of course, there are many more reasons.
I'm one of those people who really loves those end-of-the-year Christmas newsletters from friends. It's great to see all the changes people go through in such a short amount of time. For instance, my friend Jennie had a baby, bought a house, and her husband graduated from school (congrats Tom!). It was a huge year for them! And I think that many of my friends and family have had similar excitements or changes. It's so great to see how everything evolves if we allow change to happen and breathe into our lives.
This year I've tried to do a lot of that. But change is hard, isn't it? I finally got to a point very early this year when I was ready for major overhaul. Beginning with my heart! Grad school had already humbled me significantly by remodeling my brain. It was now time to take on another project!
So in a nutshell, here's my year: I went back into therapy. I graduated from a top-notch grad school. I made it to network television. I packed up my house. I drove across the country. I took risks. And I fell in love with a wonderful man!
These are major accomplishments for me that somehow I forget unless I take some moments to reflect. And for that I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for the moments of reflection. The moments when I feel as if I'm absolutely going to lose it. And the hope of getting better and better with each year.
This is far from how I intended this post to look. And as you know, I'm terribly hard on myself and seek perfection in many things. But I'm posting this in a revised draft form, without finishing touches. Because, like me, it's still a work in progress.
It's time to continue moving forward.