My Body

This is a fairly daring post for me. In an attempt to have an honest discussion about self-image, I've decided to post about some of my own insecurities that I've had over the years about my appearance. I think I have a relatively healthy esteem as far as my body is concerned. But I haven't always felt this way.

In junior high, I thought I was fat. I wasn't. In fact, I was quite little. But I envied my friends who looked ethnic. I longed for long brown locks and olive skin. Next to them I felt plain.
In high school I started to develop cellulite on my thighs. In general, I thought my legs were atrocious. I hated wearing shorts because I thought they brought attention to my calves.
My bootie was big. It still is.
In college, I pretty much hated myself.

Something I've realized over the years is that, unfortunately, many young women feel this way about themselves. And although I'm not a mother, I wonder how we will teach the next generation of girls to adore the bodies they were given -- flaws and all.

A few years ago my body started changing. My weight distribution shifted a bit. I was becoming a woman. I think I started getting small stretch marks around my hips. Now I look at my face in the mirror with honesty and see small imperfections. And as I get older, those imperfections will only become more obvious. My skin is a total contradiction: extremely dry in some spots and oily in others. I have small red spots appearing under my eyes. And I still get acne! Nonetheless, I think I'm growing older gracefully. My weight fluctuates (ir)regularly. I now weigh the least I have in years and am actually trying to gain back a few pounds (my pants are falling off! ack!).

I am what I am.

Look, I'm not talking about all this to have some silly girls pity party. Or to have anyone say, "Tam, you look great!" and have us lift each other up. Whatever. I look the way I look and I actually like it. If you've seen me walk, then you know I like the package I was given.

But I bring this up because I've noticed something about myself recently. As a single woman I sometimes wonder whether (and why) men prefer other women over me. It's true. It's an insecurity I'm currently allowing myself to process. I haven't really been like this too much in the past few years but for some reason my junior high compare/contrast habits have been creeping up on me. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just because things have been going so well that I have nothing else to worry about...?
I dunno.
But I find myself wondering at times, "would he prefer her?" Also, for the first time, I've wished for bigger boobs. I suppose I'm admitting that I feel a little insufficient. And mostly I'm wondering this: Am I womanly enough to please one man forever?

So what's up with this? Why am I - a reasonably attractive and sufficiently healthy and happy person - thinking this way?
Do you marrieds ever think this way? Or is this simply a singles thing? Or just a Tamara thing? I'm just looking for honesty here.

There are many moments when I feel drop-dead sexy. I love to dress up and step up my shake-the-bootie strut. But the fact is, I really hate the way men look at me. I can literally feel them undressing me with their eyes. And that makes me feel really, really uncomfortable. I LOVE feeling sexy and girly, but I hate that it comes with my neighbors lusting after me. Can we dress sexy without it triggering men to want to have sex with us?

I hope someday to be in a marriage where I can embrace my sexiness 24-7, y'know? I want a husband who can walk with pride and brag about his hot wife. :)
But it comes with this funny oxy-moron. As a single person, I actually don't want to appear too sexy. I'd like certain men to notice my sex appeal... and others to just look elsewhere. But yikes! We can't control that! What a horrible balance. So what's the answer here?

I also bring this up because let's face it: I work in the media and the media plays a very big role in the problem. And the problem also lies within each of us individually. Why don't many of us like the way we look? How do we promote being healthy AND HAPPY without stressing about it?

I've decided to be happy. With my whole self. So this recent wondering of "am I pretty enough?" is a little jarring. Maybe it's just another little hurdle. More shedding of old baggage. I dunno. But I'm interested to hear - if you dare - what you think about your own body image.

I know I've brought up a few strings of thought in this rant, so let me know if any of this has piqued your thoughts.

My Escape to Canadia

Last Friday was Corey's birthday! Woo hoo! Happy 28th!

So we took some time out for a good trip north. We headed to Palmyra, New York for the Hill Cumorah Pageant. And later that night we went to Seneca Falls to see the spot where the first big event for women's rights was held.


We learned that coincidentally, The Declaration of Sentiments was written on the 19th-20th of July, 1848... so we were there exactly 159 years after it happened! Cool, huh?

We hit the road and headed north. My first time in Canada. Weird, eh?

Check this out! This is Corey's pic of Niagara Falls. Looks like a postcard!



Then we headed to Toronto. We made it to the base of the CN building but decided not to waste two hours getting to the top. Corey was snapping lots of pics of the building and I decided to take some of him.

I mostly hang out with him because I think he's hot.


We then headed to a small town called Picton where we watched the sunset and ran onto some huge sand dunes. Um... no pictures of those! Ack!

Later that night we crossed the border back into the states. We were heading to a place called Alexandria Bay, New York. Corey and I had both seen a picture of it in a rest stop on our way to Palmyra. Basically, it's in the 1,000 Islands area. There's this one little island with a castle on it and a beautiful story to go along with it.

Back in the turn of the 20th century, a man named George C. Boldt bought the island for his wife. (Boldt had made his fortune through managing big hotels such as the famous Waldorf-Astoria here in the city and the Clover Club in Philly.) He called the island "Heart Island" and invested millions to create a castle similar to those in his home in the Rhineland. So the tale goes, the castle was to be a summer home for the family and a gift of his love for his wife. A year before completion, his wife, Louise, died of heart complications.
His heart was broken and he called off the building of the home, leaving it to the elements for several decades.
In the 70s, the island was locally purchased and the castle was finished. It's still undergoing lots of work, but is SO pretty!


After our visit to Boldt Castle, we hit the road and headed to Vermont. It's one of my new favorite states. I'd never been there before! And it's SOOOO green! We found a great campsite at a state park. Can you believe we couldn't find my tent poles? Sad! So we improvised. I don't think I took a picture of that! Man!
For the record, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE camping. I'd been bugging Corey about wanting to go camping ever since it started warming up. So finally, we went camping! And I think we'll have to go again. Soon. This time with tent poles.

In the morning we headed back home. And along the way we stopped at a rest area and learned that we had stopped in Sharon, Vermont -- birthplace of Joseph Smith. So we made a jaunt to the memorial of the prophet. What a cool place! We met a really great missionary couple, watched the movie in the Visitors Center, and checked out the memorial.

The house where he was born is no longer there. Instead, they have this small little bird house replica.



It started raining just as we started to leave.

What a perfect trip! I can't wait 'til the next one!

I Am Blessed

There are times when I see people and wonder how they are so happy. And I think I'm finally getting it.

They choose to be.

In my old stake in Oregon, there's a family I adore -- The Youngs. Any time I would ask Fontella (mom) how she was doing, she'd give me a big smile with, "Oh honey... I'm blessed!"

Why was she so blessed? And why was she always so happy?

I'm finally beginning to link the obvious pieces together. It's only taken 30 years. In some ways I feel behind. In others, I feel ahead.

I believe it's possible for us to be happy all the time and for us to truly have joy. I believe that's our purpose on Earth -- to feel joy. And it's our choice whether that's how we live our lives.

My question is this: Do you think it's easy to live a life of joy?

My answer is "yes." I think it's easy and I think we muck it up a lot. We get in the way of our own joy!

Do we have to struggle? Or do we just choose to?

Your thoughts please!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Um.
So I went to see Aretha Franklin on Saturday.
And I think we were the youngest people there.

Are you jealous?

(no. i don't have pics. grrr!)

:)

More Berry Stuff

I was reading my friend Jessica's recent post about cute things children say, and it reminded me of my own nieces and nephews.

Here's a story about my youngest niece, Aubrey -- or "Au-Berry" as she pronounces it. We call her "Berry" for short.

Aubrey's maternal great-grandfather had been in the hospital for gall bladder surgery. He's an adorable man who luckily recovered well. When he came home, Aubrey asked him what was wrong and where he had been.
"They had to take something out of my stomach," he explained.
Very concerned, Aubrey innocently looked at him wide-eyed and asked, "Was it blueberries??"