This is a fairly daring post for me. In an attempt to have an honest discussion about self-image, I've decided to post about some of my own insecurities that I've had over the years about my appearance. I think I have a relatively healthy esteem as far as my body is concerned. But I haven't always felt this way.
In junior high, I thought I was fat. I wasn't. In fact, I was quite little. But I envied my friends who looked ethnic. I longed for long brown locks and olive skin. Next to them I felt plain.
In high school I started to develop cellulite on my thighs. In general, I thought my legs were atrocious. I hated wearing shorts because I thought they brought attention to my calves.
My bootie was big. It still is.
In college, I pretty much hated myself.
Something I've realized over the years is that, unfortunately, many young women feel this way about themselves. And although I'm not a mother, I wonder how we will teach the next generation of girls to adore the bodies they were given -- flaws and all.
A few years ago my body started changing. My weight distribution shifted a bit. I was becoming a woman. I think I started getting small stretch marks around my hips. Now I look at my face in the mirror with honesty and see small imperfections. And as I get older, those imperfections will only become more obvious. My skin is a total contradiction: extremely dry in some spots and oily in others. I have small red spots appearing under my eyes. And I still get acne! Nonetheless, I think I'm growing older gracefully. My weight fluctuates (ir)regularly. I now weigh the least I have in years and am actually trying to gain back a few pounds (my pants are falling off! ack!).
I am what I am.
Look, I'm not talking about all this to have some silly girls pity party. Or to have anyone say, "Tam, you look great!" and have us lift each other up. Whatever. I look the way I look and I actually like it. If you've seen me walk, then you know I like the package I was given.
But I bring this up because I've noticed something about myself recently. As a single woman I sometimes wonder whether (and why) men prefer other women over me. It's true. It's an insecurity I'm currently allowing myself to process. I haven't really been like this too much in the past few years but for some reason my junior high compare/contrast habits have been creeping up on me. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's just because things have been going so well that I have nothing else to worry about...?
I dunno.
But I find myself wondering at times, "would he prefer her?" Also, for the first time, I've wished for bigger boobs. I suppose I'm admitting that I feel a little insufficient. And mostly I'm wondering this: Am I womanly enough to please one man forever?
So what's up with this? Why am I - a reasonably attractive and sufficiently healthy and happy person - thinking this way?
Do you marrieds ever think this way? Or is this simply a singles thing? Or just a Tamara thing? I'm just looking for honesty here.
There are many moments when I feel drop-dead sexy. I love to dress up and step up my shake-the-bootie strut. But the fact is, I really hate the way men look at me. I can literally feel them undressing me with their eyes. And that makes me feel really, really uncomfortable. I LOVE feeling sexy and girly, but I hate that it comes with my neighbors lusting after me. Can we dress sexy without it triggering men to want to have sex with us?
I hope someday to be in a marriage where I can embrace my sexiness 24-7, y'know? I want a husband who can walk with pride and brag about his hot wife. :)
But it comes with this funny oxy-moron. As a single person, I actually don't want to appear too sexy. I'd like certain men to notice my sex appeal... and others to just look elsewhere. But yikes! We can't control that! What a horrible balance. So what's the answer here?
I also bring this up because let's face it: I work in the media and the media plays a very big role in the problem. And the problem also lies within each of us individually. Why don't many of us like the way we look? How do we promote being healthy AND HAPPY without stressing about it?
I've decided to be happy. With my whole self. So this recent wondering of "am I pretty enough?" is a little jarring. Maybe it's just another little hurdle. More shedding of old baggage. I dunno. But I'm interested to hear - if you dare - what you think about your own body image.
I know I've brought up a few strings of thought in this rant, so let me know if any of this has piqued your thoughts.