I've had a few boyfriends in my lifetime. They've all been good learning experiences. In some cases, I've even ended up making friends out of them.
And then I went into retirement. I took a loooong vacation from boys, men, and boyish men.
Why is it that once I finally come out of hibernation I realize that going back inside my cave is probably best?
My stepdad once told me, "When it comes to women, all men are 13 year old boys."
He was in his 60s at the time. I think he was right.
But sometimes women are silly too.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Saturday, February 04, 2006
What I Want
I'm an indecisive person.
In fact, when I was recently asked if I were indecisive I answered, "ummm... gosh, I don't know."
I've been thinking about what I want out of life for a long, long time. I always wanted kids but until a few years ago was uncertain about a husband. I want to have a great career, but for the past three years I've been in a serious "what's next" mode. So now I think I'm ready to write down what I want and to tell you as my witness.
I want a family.
For several years, I've lived my life kinda' like a Duncan Hines chocolate cake: all the necessities are there and you just need to add eggs and water. Except in my situation, I've had everything and just needed to add the family. I have the house(s), the family-friendly pets, the solid career, the investments, and even money tucked away for a child's future college fund.
Some people call that success.
I call it surviving.
My mother helped me realize this a couple years ago when I confessed my overly-financially-invested lifestyle. She called me "un-American" for not borrowing enough money... and she told me to stop living my life as if I were married with children.
I realized she was right.
I'd so badly wanted the life my brother had that I'd falsified my own living situation. The reality was that I was single and that it was time I started allowing myself to live that way. My only problem was that I'd become so successful at being single that I avoided allowing romance and love into my life.
I want to live a life I love.
Sometimes I feel as if I live my life to impress myself. Or I feel as if I live so other people will like me. Or I live my life to impress God. Or I live in a way to avoid feeling guilty later.
I suppose we all do that to some degree. But what I tend to forget is how I truly want to live my life: I want to live a life full of joy.
It took me 12 years to join the Mormon church. Twelve.
[I told you I was indecisive.]
After joining the church I began to struggle. I had such a hard time identifying myself as a "Mormon." I had inner conflict about what I "should" do versus what I "wanted" to do. I felt as if I had a constant identity crisis.
So I stopped going to church.
And I struggled there too.
I decided to start going back to church three-and-a-half years ago. I was still wary of whether I would fit in. I'm a feminist and a liberal and somehow that indicates a lifelong struggle with some church teachings.
But a scripture from the Book of Mormon somehow helps me find a constant dose of solace.
"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." 2Nephi 2:25
JOY! Yes! That was it! I was missing the point! God wanted me to have JOY! It seems so obvious! And I think that's what I want too! So why is it so hard to realize it?
And now, how do I go about getting this joy? By defining "what I want" and telling my friends? If I'm supposed to have joy then why do I keep struggling with my dreams, my love life and my church? Have I become so adjusted to a life without pure joy that I fear it?
Thus...
I want to stop fearing joy.
I want to be able to love a man fully even though I know he might not love me back. I want to allow myself to take more risks and invest more in all of my relationships. I want to choose a career because I will love it... and in that choice, I want to know that I will likely be successful and that that's okay. I want to have children even though I'm scared that I won't give them a life of perfection. I want to stop living a life guided by guilt or fear and start living a life filled with love and hope. I want to find someone who will share a life with me and I want to be able to not be scared when he shows interest. I want to embrace my talents, realize the potential for success, and not be afraid of achieving greatness. I want to allow myself to be loved by a good man. I want to finally figure out what my heart absolutely desires and not only be afraid of failing... I want to stop being afraid of succeeding.
I want to realize what I truly desire and not be scared anymore.
And I want to start truly wanting it.
In fact, when I was recently asked if I were indecisive I answered, "ummm... gosh, I don't know."
I've been thinking about what I want out of life for a long, long time. I always wanted kids but until a few years ago was uncertain about a husband. I want to have a great career, but for the past three years I've been in a serious "what's next" mode. So now I think I'm ready to write down what I want and to tell you as my witness.
I want a family.
For several years, I've lived my life kinda' like a Duncan Hines chocolate cake: all the necessities are there and you just need to add eggs and water. Except in my situation, I've had everything and just needed to add the family. I have the house(s), the family-friendly pets, the solid career, the investments, and even money tucked away for a child's future college fund.
Some people call that success.
I call it surviving.
My mother helped me realize this a couple years ago when I confessed my overly-financially-invested lifestyle. She called me "un-American" for not borrowing enough money... and she told me to stop living my life as if I were married with children.
I realized she was right.
I'd so badly wanted the life my brother had that I'd falsified my own living situation. The reality was that I was single and that it was time I started allowing myself to live that way. My only problem was that I'd become so successful at being single that I avoided allowing romance and love into my life.
I want to live a life I love.
Sometimes I feel as if I live my life to impress myself. Or I feel as if I live so other people will like me. Or I live my life to impress God. Or I live in a way to avoid feeling guilty later.
I suppose we all do that to some degree. But what I tend to forget is how I truly want to live my life: I want to live a life full of joy.
It took me 12 years to join the Mormon church. Twelve.
[I told you I was indecisive.]
After joining the church I began to struggle. I had such a hard time identifying myself as a "Mormon." I had inner conflict about what I "should" do versus what I "wanted" to do. I felt as if I had a constant identity crisis.
So I stopped going to church.
And I struggled there too.
I decided to start going back to church three-and-a-half years ago. I was still wary of whether I would fit in. I'm a feminist and a liberal and somehow that indicates a lifelong struggle with some church teachings.
But a scripture from the Book of Mormon somehow helps me find a constant dose of solace.
"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." 2Nephi 2:25
JOY! Yes! That was it! I was missing the point! God wanted me to have JOY! It seems so obvious! And I think that's what I want too! So why is it so hard to realize it?
And now, how do I go about getting this joy? By defining "what I want" and telling my friends? If I'm supposed to have joy then why do I keep struggling with my dreams, my love life and my church? Have I become so adjusted to a life without pure joy that I fear it?
Thus...
I want to stop fearing joy.
I want to be able to love a man fully even though I know he might not love me back. I want to allow myself to take more risks and invest more in all of my relationships. I want to choose a career because I will love it... and in that choice, I want to know that I will likely be successful and that that's okay. I want to have children even though I'm scared that I won't give them a life of perfection. I want to stop living a life guided by guilt or fear and start living a life filled with love and hope. I want to find someone who will share a life with me and I want to be able to not be scared when he shows interest. I want to embrace my talents, realize the potential for success, and not be afraid of achieving greatness. I want to allow myself to be loved by a good man. I want to finally figure out what my heart absolutely desires and not only be afraid of failing... I want to stop being afraid of succeeding.
I want to realize what I truly desire and not be scared anymore.
And I want to start truly wanting it.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Ironies and Rhetoric
Why is it every time I run into my hot neighbor it's when I'm in my pajamas and on my way to do laundry?
The only time I've been given extensions on my papers is right after I've completed my projects.
How come the only time I really want to get home quickly is when the subway takes forever to show up?
My annoying boss was canned just after I left the station.
The men who send me love notes are strangers who've found me online.
Why is the only man who's showing interest in me at school one of my professors?
I found a pair of those coveted brown boots -- half a size too small.
My best hair days tend only to occur when I need to work from home.
How come I turn stupid when I meet a man I could be into?
That phone call I've been waiting for all week finally came when I couldn't answer.
My classmates have asked me if I wear Mormon underwear but it somehow seems inappropriate for me to ask what they're wearing.
The only time I've been given extensions on my papers is right after I've completed my projects.
How come the only time I really want to get home quickly is when the subway takes forever to show up?
My annoying boss was canned just after I left the station.
The men who send me love notes are strangers who've found me online.
Why is the only man who's showing interest in me at school one of my professors?
I found a pair of those coveted brown boots -- half a size too small.
My best hair days tend only to occur when I need to work from home.
How come I turn stupid when I meet a man I could be into?
That phone call I've been waiting for all week finally came when I couldn't answer.
My classmates have asked me if I wear Mormon underwear but it somehow seems inappropriate for me to ask what they're wearing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)