I'm an indecisive person.
In fact, when I was recently asked if I were indecisive I answered, "ummm... gosh, I don't know."
I've been thinking about what I want out of life for a long, long time. I always wanted kids but until a few years ago was uncertain about a husband. I want to have a great career, but for the past three years I've been in a serious "what's next" mode. So now I think I'm ready to write down what I want and to tell you as my witness.
I want a family.
For several years, I've lived my life kinda' like a Duncan Hines chocolate cake: all the necessities are there and you just need to add eggs and water. Except in my situation, I've had everything and just needed to add the family. I have the house(s), the family-friendly pets, the solid career, the investments, and even money tucked away for a child's future college fund.
Some people call that success.
I call it surviving.
My mother helped me realize this a couple years ago when I confessed my overly-financially-invested lifestyle. She called me "un-American" for not borrowing enough money... and she told me to stop living my life as if I were married with children.
I realized she was right.
I'd so badly wanted the life my brother had that I'd falsified my own living situation. The reality was that I was single and that it was time I started allowing myself to live that way. My only problem was that I'd become so successful at being single that I avoided allowing romance and love into my life.
I want to live a life I love.
Sometimes I feel as if I live my life to impress myself. Or I feel as if I live so other people will like me. Or I live my life to impress God. Or I live in a way to avoid feeling guilty later.
I suppose we all do that to some degree. But what I tend to forget is how I truly want to live my life: I want to live a life full of joy.
It took me 12 years to join the Mormon church. Twelve.
[I told you I was indecisive.]
After joining the church I began to struggle. I had such a hard time identifying myself as a "Mormon." I had inner conflict about what I "should" do versus what I "wanted" to do. I felt as if I had a constant identity crisis.
So I stopped going to church.
And I struggled there too.
I decided to start going back to church three-and-a-half years ago. I was still wary of whether I would fit in. I'm a feminist and a liberal and somehow that indicates a lifelong struggle with some church teachings.
But a scripture from the Book of Mormon somehow helps me find a constant dose of solace.
"Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." 2Nephi 2:25
JOY! Yes! That was it! I was missing the point! God wanted me to have JOY! It seems so obvious! And I think that's what I want too! So why is it so hard to realize it?
And now, how do I go about getting this joy? By defining "what I want" and telling my friends? If I'm supposed to have joy then why do I keep struggling with my dreams, my love life and my church? Have I become so adjusted to a life without pure joy that I fear it?
Thus...
I want to stop fearing joy.
I want to be able to love a man fully even though I know he might not love me back. I want to allow myself to take more risks and invest more in all of my relationships. I want to choose a career because I will love it... and in that choice, I want to know that I will likely be successful and that that's okay. I want to have children even though I'm scared that I won't give them a life of perfection. I want to stop living a life guided by guilt or fear and start living a life filled with love and hope. I want to find someone who will share a life with me and I want to be able to not be scared when he shows interest. I want to embrace my talents, realize the potential for success, and not be afraid of achieving greatness. I want to allow myself to be loved by a good man. I want to finally figure out what my heart absolutely desires and not only be afraid of failing... I want to stop being afraid of succeeding.
I want to realize what I truly desire and not be scared anymore.
And I want to start truly wanting it.