I've recently been discussing an old relationship that has had me thinking... how do we know when we're in a "real" relationship? And what qualifies one as such?
Warning: this post is kinda' long. Feel free to skip over my boyfriend explainers. No offense taken. But I'd really like some input on this, so please read some of this and give your input!
To add to this discussion, I'm going to start off with the following ideas from Helen Fisher of Rutgers University. She proposes 3 stages of love:
1. Lust
driven by the hormones testosterone and estrogen
2. Attraction
This is the fun part when people fall in love, when you are truly love-struck and can think of little else. Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this stage; adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin. (Dopamine has the same effect on the brain as cocaine -- no wonder why so many of us get hooked on the "falling in love" stage!). Fisher suggests “couples often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship”.
And here's something else interesting about this phase that I found on the web...
Dr Donatella Marazziti, a psychiatrist at the University of Pisa advertised for twenty couples who'd been madly in love for less than six months. She wanted to see if the brain mechanisms that cause you to constantly think about your lover, were related to the brain mechanisms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
By analysing blood samples from the lovers, Dr Marazitti discovered that serotonin levels of new lovers were equivalent to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.
Newly smitten lovers often idealise their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws says Ellen Berscheid, a leading researcher on the psychology of love.
New couples also exalt the relationship itself. “It's very common to think they have a relationship that's closer and more special than anyone else's”. Psychologists think we need this rose-tinted view. It makes us want to stay together to enter the next stage of love – attachment.
3. Attachment
This is the phase that keeps couples together for a long, long time. Scientists think two major hormones are at work here, oxytocin and vasopressin.
Oxytocin is a powerful hormone released by men and women during orgasm. It probably deepens the feelings of attachment and makes couples feel much closer to one another after they have had sex. The theory goes that the more sex a couple has, the deeper their bond becomes. Vasopressin is another important hormone in the long-term commitment stage and is released after sex.
sidenote: i had already decided that i will be having lots of sex with my husband. but now i have science to back me up!
Now back to my original thought... How do we know when we are dealing with a relationship based on fantasy or reality? How do we know when we are caught up in the chemicals of lust and attraction and don't move past it into developing a real relationship? Do relationships need to be classified as just real or fantasy, or can each have elements of both?
I give you a few examples...
College boyfriend #1
This was my first experience feeling madly in love. I ate, slept, and breathed this guy. We talked of marriage, we scheduled our lives around one another, and we were kind of obsessed with each other. It was intense and passionate. It taught me what I thought love really was. I was kinda maniacal.
I later found out that he had been cheating on me throughout the relationship. I went pretty nuts when we broke up.
Consensus: My feelings were real; the relationship was fantasy. I'm pretty sure we were cycling the "attraction" stage and had a bit of the OCD complex mentioned earlier. It opened my heart, but it was a horrible example for me. It was based on falsehoods, not true, respectable love.
College boyfriend #2, #3, and who knows how many more
These guys followed the same trend. They were artsy, fun, and enigmatic. We had fun. They told me things I wanted to hear. They also dated other girls. I hoped that they would come to their senses and only want me.
Consensus: fantasy
Utah boy
We worked together, became friends, and then dated for a long, long time. We struggled a bit and fought for our relationship. We respected each other. We really cared for one another. We had dreams. Our dreams were not exactly the same. We tried. We failed. We are still friends.
Consensus: reality
Palo Alto boy (and other hotties like him)
This was a fantasy I went into and didn't care how badly I'd get burned. I had high hopes that he would like me, but the fact was, there was no way this guy was into anything long-term with me (and I think he would have defined "long-term" as anything longer than a day or two). He was hot!!! I met him through a documentary project. We talked on the phone long-distance almost every night for many, many months. I knew he was probably dating other people, but I had a desire that he would change his mind (similar to my college artist types). I fantasized about him all the time. I wrote poetry about him and daydreamed. He inspired my creativity, but mostly helped warp my idea of what our relationship really was. When we were together in person, I felt beautiful and desired. We had a good time, but he wasn't interested fully the way I wanted him to be. I got too wrapped up in the fantasy. And ouch. It hurt bad.
Consensus: um... obvious?
New Hampshire boy
This one is still fresh for me. We met randomly through our parents. Had a very strong rush of step #2 (attraction) and then fell into the regular pace of mature, adult relationships. Some struggles but strong love and respect for one another. We have fun together. We genuinely enjoy each other. We share the same goals for our futures and enjoy our time together. We communicate well... and sometimes we communicate horribly. We're honest with each other and we have no idea what's next in store for us.
Consensus: reality
Other boys who deserved more than I gave
This is to memorialize the relationships that didn't last long because, let's face it, they were into being serious and I wasn't. I was straight-up with them. Some of them I could have married and would have been happy. The others just were wonderful but just longed for something different out of life.
Consensus: reality
I think my feelings for all these men registered as "real" but I think I created a better fantasy for many of those relationships than accepting what I was really dealing with. But creating some sort of fantasy yields hope... doesn't it?
So.
Looking at this long list I've made I wonder... does "reality" always mean that there's a harsh dose of life? Can we have reality and still live as if we're in a fantasy?
And there is the most important question of all: what defines real love???
I believe Hollywood and the media (grr... darn us media!!!) tend to make us believe that real relationships have a beautiful beginning, middle, and end with a small climax and denouement to round everything out. But that's just fantasy with a good story line. Skye mentioned recently about the recent events of her own life, "This isn't T.V., it's life..."
And I think it's important for us to recognize the differences.
So what is the essence of your real relationship? What is at the heart of what keeps you two together?
Or what do you truly long for? And is what you're longing for realistic?
And two very important questions I have:
*If it's real, then is it always easy? Or have you had to work hard for it?
*What about the concept of "learning to love" someone? If you truly love someone, then do you just love everything? Or do you have to learn to love things about them? And what does it mean to "learn to love"?
I have come to embrace the idea that marriage is the modern-day miracle. Maybe it's more simple than any of these thoughts? Maybe it just works if you work it?
If you've read any of this post, please give me some insight. It would be most helpful to me.