I had an interesting argument today at work about a story we're doing on gay marriage. I felt as if the story they planned to air was way too biased toward gay marriages and not recognizing that well over half of America is extremely against it. On my side was a gay man.
(I think it's also important to say that I actually am not against gay marriage. I'm just against slanting news stories.)
I found myself as a minority, arguing one side against a group that seemed a little more accepting of the changing times than I felt necessary for my viewers. I feel as if the story is still coming off balanced in favor of gay marriage, which is not a fair representation of our viewers' opinions. It just seems a bit of poor producing in my mind. I suppose I need to accept that I now work in an environment where I am merely an advocate and not a decision maker. I wish things came across as more balanced than they are, no matter what someone's personal opinion is on marriage, there are all types of decisions and news stories are best when we talk about them all instead of catering toward one side. Just my thoughts.
Marriage is important to me.
When I was 11 years old, I started praying for my husband. I began praying on a fairly regular basis that the Lord was taking care of him, preparing him for me and I for him. I continue similar - yet more specific - prayers to this day.
As a kid, I also opened my first savings account and I remember thinking excitedly that it would be intended for my kids' college fund -- interestingly, not my own! It still sits in the bank.
I've always wanted kids and have always had the desire to marry. But for some reason, the kids seemed more plausible to me. The husband... I was never so sure about. I wanted to marry, but I was pretty scared of it. I had no idea what kind of man I was in store for. I'd dated some really great guys, but none really resonated as the "husband type" to me. Some of my boyfriends wanted to marry me, but I just didn't feel like they would be a good fit in the long-run. And I tended to put up with a lot of nonsense, allowing a lot of very poor behavior occur in my relationships... hoping that somehow the tide would turn.
I began to lose hope in my marriage possibilities.
And then something happened.
About five years ago, I went on a date with a really neat guy. He was from out of town, and the date was a setup. He was so, so great. Nothing over-the-top. Just a regular guy who met my basic requirements: smart, funny, kind. I remember coming home and telling my roommate, Ruthie, about it. I was elated!
I knew that nothing was going to come of it. Our interest level seemed to remain at "friends", but it had given me HOPE! I knew that somehow, some way, and some DAY that there might be a few more out there like him! It was a glimmer that I held onto for the remaining years.
As the years went by, I wasn't meeting anyone who felt like a match. I'd made great friends, dated a few guys, but I knew in my heart and through the Spirit that none of them were my guy. My hope started to wain again. But then, about two-and-a-half years ago, I decided I was not giving up on myself. In fact, I had a very powerful moment where I can vividly recall not only my immediately increased desire for a good, loving Priesthood holder... but for some reason, I had an incredible amount of faith tied along to it.
I was sitting in my room while I was in grad school, staring at the ceiling, and analyzing my situation (I know, big surprise). I came to a conclusion that went something like this...
If I'm in the church, then there has to be at least one man in the church out there for me. I mean... He is GOD. He should be able to help me find someone...
This was an incredible realization for me. It somehow boosted my confidence and made my desire for marriage even stronger. I no longer feared that I would end up with a dud. I knew that God was gonna help me get there.
I remember also that for some reason I decided that there were likely 5 really qualified candidates out there for me. Maybe three of them were already married though... leaving me with just two.
Two.
I suppose I should count myself lucky. My mother always says, "It only takes one."
I thought back to the prayers I'd been offering since I was a child, thinking that I was making choices that would help teach me the proper lessons to be a good wife and mother. And that somewhere out there was a man who was doing the same for me. I was dating men who would help me learn and grow. And he was dating women who were preparing him for me.
It taught me a little more about appreciating the men I dated as someone's future husband and being grateful for the men and women dating someone's future spouse. I figure we're all here to help each other.
A few months after my big realization that God would actually help me find someone incredible, my friend Kaarina posted an engagement announcement on her blog. Included in the description of her and Forrest's growing love, were words that struck me so strongly and poignantly. To this day, when I read them, the Spirit hits me as I read them... and I can never make it through the last part without crying.
She wrote the following:
it was a year ago november when i started apologizing to God with all the depth of my soul for the years & years of doubt & tears & frustration & railing & absolutely giving up on the glimmer of hope that he would ever bless me with something THIS amazing.
o, my friends!! little did i know.
he was blessing me the whole time.
I have gone back to Kaarina's blog for these words time and time again over the past couple years. I'm familiar with the doubt. The tears. The frustration. And the giving up of hope.
HOPE
That is a word that keeps coming to my mind lately. It's not that I'm feeling hopeless... just less hope. And I need to remember to be hopeful. I need to remember that God is blessing me right now. I need to remember that the righteous blessings I desire and the blessings He wants to grant me will happen in His time and His way.
I've recently reached out to my family asking for prayers on this; that they will help me remain hopeful. If you remember, could you please include me in your prayers too?