Skye and I had a recent exchange mentioning the good 'ol days of the blog; they were the times when we weren't guarded. We'd talk about our fears, feelings, and we were forthright with deep discussions on doctrine and spirituality. We called each other out. We weren't afraid of speaking our own minds, and we took risks with our thoughts with the hope someone would learn something and maybe, just maybe, we'd each become a little bit better.
I started my blog just over three years ago. At first it was just to "get it out there." My thoughts, my writings, my hopes. I had no readers except for me. It was a virtual wishing well for me. I'd put out a vibe and get the good thrown back. Gradually it became a venue for my friends and family to keep up with me from afar. And now... well now it's interesting. As the number of viewers has grown, the comments have faded... and so has the "truth." And today I'm hoping to peel back a layer.
Maybe even two.
If you know me vaguely then you might assume you know me pretty well. I know I come across fairly honest and genuine. I'm pretty strong, self-assured, curious, and allow enough sensitivity to show so that people will know that I'm not built of brick. I also know that I'm overly self-aware (maybe to a fault), and I'm always striving to be a better person, allow more love, make God proud, and let the sun shine from within me.
If you know me well, then you know the further layers. I've been really blessed in this life with a lot of close friends and family. Quite frankly, I'm amazed at how incredible the people are among my many circles. Every day I am pretty humbled by these people. I'm lucky that I get to keep in touch with these people -- even if on an infrequent basis. I tend to learn something on every single interaction. I have mentioned before that I feel as if I'm the luckiest person in the world, and most of that is because of the people in my life. The remainder of my good luck is because of my awareness of God's goodness in every single thing.
If you are one of my closer friends, then you know a little more about how I really function. I feel blessed that this is actually a fairly large group of people. You know something about me that I'm still trying to become better at: you know that I am worth way more than I give myself credit.
You have seen this in many areas of my life over and over again. You've seen me succeed in practically everything I do and just expect that to keep happening. You await to hear what crazy idea I come up with next and know, without a doubt, that it will happen.
You have seen me sell myself short. You have watched as I allow people into my life who don't deserve as much space as I've allowed them. You have wiped my tears. You have heard me bear my soul, been privileged to see me in a vulnerable state, and seen me pick myself back up after heartache. You have heard me sing, stayed up with me until the wee hours talking about the philosophy of nothing and everything, laughed at my dumb jokes, and watched as I said something no one else had the nerve to.
You have seen me share my weaknesses. You have seen my intense commitment and loyalty. You know I love God and want to do my best. You know that I cry. A lot. You know that if there is someone who has no friend, that I will likely allow them into my world. You like me in spite of my many, many, many foibles. And for that reason, you continue to carry the most special place in my heart.
How have I been able to be so, so very lucky?
If you know me very well then you also are aware that am not afraid of myself. You know that even though I talk a lot, I am not necessarily revealing what's really going on with me. You know that I coccoon - sometimes for a long time, remaining anti-social - and I always come out a more beautiful butterfly. You know there are times when I act as if everything is perfect when really I feel as if my whole world is in chaos.
You know that somehow, through everything, I always tend to keep it together even when I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it.
You also know, and have told me on many occasions, that I deserve someone really, really great in this life. You have mentioned that I need someone who really has it together. Who is kind-hearted. And who's pretty dang smart.
You have also gently reminded me when I was not allowing that type of man into my life. Hopefully you agree that I'm much better at listening to your advice these days than I was before and am much quicker at giving unlikely candidates the boot. That has been a lesson many years in the making, and thank you for your patience with me.
At this point I wonder where you, dear Reader, have placed yourself. How well do you believe you know me? And how well do we really know each other? And our own selves?
And that brings me to today: A beautiful day where the sun is bold and the humidity is unforgiving. A day where I stand unafraid of the truth and the determination to make the most of my life.
I have no idea what tomorrow brings to me, but I welcome its blessings and challenges with joy.
Right now I'm making the most of it. Things are not perfect, but I am doing the best with what I have and enjoying it as much as I can. I long for more and know that my needs will be met in the way and time that's needed.
I'm starting some new projects that scare the heck out of me. I'm approaching my life and my goals from a different angle, and I have God guiding me. I only hope I follow His light enough so that you see it shining through me.
Today I continue to live a purpose-filled life. I have a stronger boundary and foundation than before, and I suppose with that blessing will come more responsibility. I await whatever that is and am, admittedly, a little... frightened? nervous? trepidatious? Hmm... I'm pretty dang scared.
Typically, I tend to plan exactly how and when my goals and hopes will be accomplished, and I make it happen. This time, I'm trying to trust more in the Lord and let things happen the way He wants them to. I have no idea what that means in the details, so please... remind me to enjoy the adventure.
I wrote this entry with the same intention I had three years ago when starting this whole blog process... to put it all "out there" to remind myself of who I am today, the hope I have in my future, and to use it as a way to allow goodness to return my way.
I am actively receiving good things as of late and am filling my life with goodness. I've been pushing aside the dead weight and creating stronger boundaries. I've wasted too much time feeling bad about myself. It's time for me to get it in gear.
Thank you to those of you who bring a positive light to my life.
For my closest friends, you know I sometimes tend to be a lonely soul... even though I work my hardest to hide it. You have made my life feel so fulfilled. I am so excited for our adventures to continue. Won't it be interesting to see what's in store?
I can't wait.