I'm not doing so well.
Ever since arriving at the school, I've asked myself, "why did they let me in here?" I still don't have an answer.
The path was presented so clearly before me that this was where I should be right now. I'm just not so sure whether I need to continue.
Quite honestly, I've never willingly taken on anything as intellectually challenging as this adventure. It has drained me emotionally and spiritually. I seem to feel as if I'm the only one around me who is struggling as much as I.
It's humbling to think I'm not cut out for this.
Before arriving, I knew in my heart that this would open doors I didn't even know existed. It's true, but not as I'd expected; the door that's been opened the most is the one leading to my soul and to my true self. It's difficult to realize that I'm not as smart or as strong as I've convinced myself.
It's heartbreaking.
It's embarrassing.
I typically don't give up on things. It's not only that I see it as a sign of weakness, I also figure, "why not keep going and see what happens?" If nothing else, it'll be a good story to tell about "how I actually managed to make my way out of this." But maybe it's time I wave my white flag on this. I'm just not sure.
The feedback I've been getting from professors has been supportive but not positive. It's hard to admit that.
My mother told me something last night about her move to New York that comforted me. She and my dad moved here after they married. My dad was my age. They had been here only three months (the same amount of time I've been here) when my dad called California to his parents to announce they were coming back home. My grandpa told him they couldn't come back. Apparently my grandparents said they'd told all their friends that my dad was going to be a big success, so he had to stay in New York and prove it. Interesting.
They stayed.
They succeeded.
My mother had a different approach with me. She told me to do whatever I want and somehow convinced me I'm not as much of an idiot as I seem to believe I am.
Then today happened.
I woke up fine, went to class, and then I received a paper back from one of my professors. I came home and cried. Again.
Crying after class seems to work well for me.
So here I am.
A lot of you have asked about how I'm doing.
Well... this is the truth about how I'm doing. I feel useless.
It's cyclical. After publishing this post (although I'm still debating whether to do that), I'll likely go back to feeling okay. I'll take it in stride. I'll tell myself, "You know you'll get through this." Because the truth is, I DO know I can make it through this. I've been put through the ringer in this lifetime, whether it was by my own making or just by "life" being dealt my way. I have potential to learn a lot here -- both in the classroom and inside my own head.
I have no idea how I will be once I make it out of here, but I believe if nothing else, I will be a little more humble and a little more vulnerable.
I'm not allowing any comments on this post. And Aunt Jane and Uncle Don... maybe you could not print this post out for Grandpa. I would like him to continue thinking I'm wearing the mask of an intelligent young person.