Tuning In

Okay, first: raise your hand if you're tired of hearing about my thesis.


Ooookaaaaayyyy...


Basically, I lack focus on this master's project. Yikes. I think I'm beginning to freak out about it.
I've learned that my brain works very well thinking in broad terms and not in specifics. It's such a great skill when it comes to producing and managing. But now that I get to play "reporter" it seems I need to tap into the less-frequently used "focused" part of my brain. Ugh.
Do you think this could be a result of not having more on my plate this semester? Maybe I'm just worrying about it so I can feel productive about something.

And now onto those who are having success with radio projects...

My friend, Claudine Ebeid, just made her debut on NPR!
You might remember Claudine as the hard-core field hockey chick who whacked the ball into my face during a team scrimmage sophomore year. Eighteen stitches and a decade later, I watch Claudine as she heads to the big time. Even though she's a DC chick, her story gives Portland a shout-out. So check out this link to the story!

A Couple Pics

Last weekend I spent several hours waiting outside Wicked and The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee waiting for lottery tickets. Basically, you have to put your name in a box, stand outside freezing for about an hour, and hope they pick your name for $25 tickets. I waited twice for each show and lost. Good thing I brought a book. I bought rush tickets for Chicago instead with John O'Hurley and Robin Givens.
I was most impressed with the chorus.


To your right is a picture of the Manhattan LDS Temple. I also call it "church." Because property is so expensive here, the Mormons decided to build one building and use half as a temple and the other half for regular church services and activities. This is where I attend services and also ask several surly questions in Sunday school as any good heretic would.

I know. You're thinking, "You promised me pictures and this is all you're giving me?" The truth is, I've never been one to carry a camera everywhere, despite my innate tendencies toward photography. So bear with me.
Besides, I didn't want you to think my blog was only going to consist of "meaningful" entries with depth. Sheesh.

Now Exiting "The Comfort Zone"

I've decided to do something I've never done before. It may seem small to you, but to me it's a fairly big step. So here goes the big announcement:

I am going to take only the required amount of courses this semester.

That's right. I'm not going to add an internship, audit a class or two, or take on any other "outside" responsibilities. I'm just going to do what I've been asked to do. And my elective is even relatively "easy" compared to other options.

Take note that I have never in my life chosen to do something like this before... something so seemingly "average." Yikes.

This new step is in an effort to be a little more forgiving of myself for not being perfect. My entire life has been spent exerting energy to go above and beyond. Whenever I complained that I didn't fit in, my mother reminded me that I "have always set myself apart from everyone." Very true.

I am well aware that I'm a chronic perfectionist. I'm sure it will always be my greatest strength and weakness. I grew up in a household where expectations for surviving and thriving ran high. I believe I learned early how to try and be the very best I could be and refused any less from myself.

I'm sure there are times that you, gentle reader, can remember when I have set what seemed to be an outrageous/impossible/crazy/stupid goal. Somehow I managed to accomplish it. I think setting goals is fantasic, but I also realize that I tend to be extremely hard on myself and don't allow myself to set standards within the realm of "normalcy." I mean, really... it took me several edits before feeling as if this post was structured to my satisfaction. And I tend to actually list "proper grammar" as a hobby.

In high school, I was absolutely horrible at team sports, but I excelled at anything that depended solely on my own success. I suppose I struggled when competing with others when I felt I could learn so much more by competing with myself. I've just always been much more interested in pushing myself as far as I can go instead of comparing my capabilities with someone else's.

So here I am, now competing against myself from what I would normally do. I believe the semester will be difficult enough, so I'm trying (for once) to avoid making things too much harder for myself.

Girl Talk

When I was in the sixth grade I received the board game "Girl Talk" as a birthday present. I never understood why an actual game needed to be made to coerce young girls to talk to one another about boys. We certainly spoke about them enough as it was already. In fact, I would predict that most of my discussions with friends from the late 80s onward were about boys.
I've noticed a change in the way girls talk as we become older. Our talks become less and less detailed. We speak in theories about who and what we want and have. And we invite men into our discussions.
So I'm here to share some girl talk with you. I am finally realizing how important love is. Not only the love of a lover, but the love of one another. And I've been thinking about the different types of love that I've allowed and resisted in my life.
My goal for the next few months is to invest in my relationships and allow people in a little more than I've allowed before.
To begin, I'm revealing what I believe to be some good girl talk from my life. All the hours I've spent shaving my legs, looking intensely into the mirror, thinking of clever things to say, dreaming of words that would never be said to me, crying over the pain of a life that I will never have... it has all been worth it.
Here's a little more detail that I'm sure many women will relate to on some level:

I have spent an entire day preparing for a date.

A single embrace has swept me away to forever-never-land.

I have called in sick to work because I've felt too heart-broken to get out of bed.

I sometimes walk down the street with a secretive smile when I recall certain romantic memories.

I've never cheated on a boyfriend. But I have kissed someone else's.

I have granted second chances... or more.

A flower has changed my perspective.

I've been known to be drawn in by the force of blue eyes alone.

I have been uplifted by men who give me a warm glimpse.

I will listen to a song on repeat recalling the "way I felt when..."

I've driven several hours for a single kiss.

I have moved to another city to make break-ups easier.

Men have asked me to marry them.

Flirtatious men in Rome helped me realize I was beautiful when I was 19.

I have purchased new clothes to prepare for dates.

It took me years and years to get over a lost love.

I've said "I love you" to more than one man. I meant it most of the time.

I have had men write songs about me and serenade me.

I can stay up for several hours in the night dreaming about a man who doesn't exist.

It took me years to realize being alone is better than being in an unhealthy relationship.

I have no regrets.

I know I will someday let love in and fall in love again.

Brown Boots

I've been on a quest for a pair of brown boots for quite a long time. I have no idea when it started, but once I decided I wanted the boots I began a long, arduous hunt. I've searched high and low, from sea to shining sea. Every shoe store I see, I'm drawn in to just give it a shot. Several of my friends and family members have even helped me by leaving me phone messages about a pair they spotted or they've joined me for a look. I have likely trekked miles and miles in my good shoes to find the perfect pair, but to no avail.

It's not as if I'm being unreasonable. I just know what kind of boots I want: tall, cute, dark ones that actually fit me. All that I have found are short ones, uncomfortable ones, the wrong look, the wrong size, or ones that just were WAY not my style.

I mean, really. Of the many millions of boots in New York and Portland I'm just looking for ONE PAIR. And yet, the longer and longer I look for them, the more and more I'm convinced that my boots just don't exist.

So tonight I walked into a few more stores, again dreaming that my boots will just sit there with an inaudible cry toward my way. Then I realized: there are so many other cute shoes that I've allowed to go unnoticed. Did I actually walk into dozens and dozens of stores with blinders on? How could I miss the rest of the options?

So I opened my eyes to the world of beautiful pumps, boots, slides, and tennies... and I found a pair.

They're not boots. They're not even dress shoes so they can't be worn with the skirts I purchased to go along with my nonexistent boots. They're not at all what I was looking for. But they're cute, fun, and they fit. And they're my new favorite pair.

While my boots might not be out there somewhere, I might find another comparable pair of boots someday, right when I least expect it. Or maybe I won't find them at all.

In the meantime, I'm keeping the cute skirts hanging in the closet. And I'm going to enjoy my time sporting my new kicks.

Home Sweet Home(s)

Well, I'm back in New York.

My "vacation" in Portland was so wonderful that I didn't want to come back to the grind. I spent most of the time with family.
Here's a picture of us at Aunt Jane and Uncle Don's house on Christmas Eve. It was absolutely the best.


That's actually my extended family on my mom's side. We're a small group compared to most of my friends' families! One thing we all share in my family is a strong sense of humor. We spend most of our time together laughing -- frequently at someone else's expense. Everyone is fair game!

Aunt Jane gave one of my niece's some ice skating tickets for her birthday. It was tons of fun. I actually never fell! :)
The girls spent the day doing lots of tricks!

The boys also seemed to have a good time -- after finally finding the right size of skates to wear!



I was also lucky to spend some time with friends from work and church. And my cute pets actually remembered me! It was such a great trip that I didn't want to come back.

But I'm here. I haven't given up and am taking on the second (and final) semester with a fresh focus and a little boost in my self confidence. I know I'm here for a reason.

I've been thinking about the past few years. I'd been looking for a job but couldn't find one. After searching for two years for something new I had pretty much given up hope. Then I heard about this new journalism program. It was providential.
I now realize how much I needed those two years of a seemingly stagnant life to settle into a firm foundation of strength, spirituality, and normalcy. If I hadn't, I don't think I would have been able to feel as if I could actually make it in New York.

As I flew above Manhattan last night, I kept hearing the words of Frank Sinatra repeating through my head. I've since adopted a new mantra: If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere.

Thank you so much to those of you who made the past few weeks wonderful. You've helped boost my confidence in so many ways! I needed all the support I could get! What a fulfilling break!