The Blog

In a couple months, a new book is coming out that's piqued my interest. It's called, "Claiming Christ: A Mormon and an Evangelical Debate Jesus." It's written by Gerald McDermott, a professor from my under-grad alma mater, Roanoke College... along with Professor Millet from BYU.

In reading the reviews for the book, I found a really great comment:

"The challenge of interdenominational dialogue—like any genuine dialogue—is not to resolve disagreement, but to capture it and represent it accurately and in good faith." -Teryl Givens

I think Givens has some great insight on the purpose of discussion.

My blog is a source for me to write and to share. And sometimes, I like us to have fun discussions.

This is - and has been - a moderated blog. You comment, I decide whether to post.

For now, I'll continue to leave my privacy level as such. Before I was very liberal with posting comments. Now... not so much. Especially with those pertaining to dialogue. When I open this up as a forum, I'll be a little more diligent out of respect for myself and for my friends and contributors. I think blogs can be a good source for discussion, and I like that mine has been able to serve that purpose from time to time. So I promise to be more diligent in allowing comments that represent fact and refrain from attacking other people's perceptions.
I'm on this Earth to learn from people while respecting them. On this blog, that's the attitude I'm taking and accepting.
If that means I'm losing readers, so be it. This blog has been and continues to be for me, my family, and my friends.

Read the quote I've chosen to headline this blog.

If you continue to visit, your presence is welcome. Otherwise, thanks for stopping by and may you have many blessings in your continued journey.

A Goodie

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside
Awakens."

-Carl Jung

Spinsters, Old Maids, and Barren Bitties

I have been wondering something lately about marital status. I know this is not an issue that's simply one way or another. I know it's different for everyone. But I am seriously wondering: why do some women marry and others don't?

I know this is a loaded question and that I will likely get some very angry responses. But this is something I've been wondering because I am not ashamed to admit that I want to get married.

I'm not saying I want to marry today, tomorrow, or even in the near future. In fact, the timeline is irrelevant. I'm just saying, that generally speaking, I would really, really, really like to marry and have children. Preferably, I would also like to marry a wonderful man who would love me so much that he could not imagine eternity with anyone else.

So this has made me wonder about the many wonderful, brilliant, beautiful, solid, and single women I know among my family, friends, and colleagues.
Are they single because they lack skills?
Are they single because they don't desire it enough?
Are they single because they lack faith?

Yes, I understand that there are many women who don't want to marry. But I wonder about my own desires. Over the past couple years I've made many changes in my personal life. First and foremost, I've grown from just wanting to marry to having a very deep desire... such a strong desire that I was willing to make the many changes in what had been holding me back from successful relationships.
In the past, I'd blamed my failed relationships on being with the wrong men. But I think I've finally stopped playing the victim and now really hold myself accountable for my mistakes or my own lack of desire to be married.
I kinda' feel as if other people sometimes expect me to stay single forever. I have been a career-oriented woman for a long time. I've invested in men I didn't really want to marry. Or I've taken years off from dating.
And now I'm actually attracted to different men than I once was. I used to approach a relationship wondering if we "click" or if the guy were cute and fun. And now... my first thoughts are moreso about if this man could be a good husband, father, and if he would be worthy of my love eternally.

But even though I've made these changes... does this mean I will actually ever marry?

It's just come to my realization - again - that I might remain single for the rest of my life. And before, I would have thought that was okay. But that's not okay for me anymore.

Yes, I know. I will receive at least a few emails saying, "at least you've been dating someone. I have no chances whatsoever!"

I understand those feelings. And I've said those very same lines many times! Honestly, I now consider all those comments as playing the victim. (feel free to be angry with me on that one)

As for my personal dating life, I think dating someone for a while has actually somehow made me more insecure about the possibility of marriage than secure. And maybe that's just my situation. But even if I were not dating this one guy, I think I would still be enjoying my dating life. I keep getting asked out every week from cute guys at church -- and I honestly think that has more to do with my healthy attitude about myself than anything else.

I once heard (I think in a movie) that women remain single because they want to. I believe that idea was insinuating that many single women claim they want to date, but when they're given the opportunity to do so, they turn men down. Or they simply don't make the changes in their lives or behaviors that would be more inviting to men.

So what do you think of all this?

I likely won't keep this post up for too long. Or maybe I will. I don't know. These are just some things I've been thinking.

I know the Lord knows the desires of my heart. Does that give me a guarantee? Nope. But at least I know I'm loved and that He's listening. And that will give me the guarantee that even if I'm single for the rest of my life, at least I won't be doing it all alone.

Finding Purpose

There is a particular spot on the wall that's been the source of my attention for the past two days. It's just above eye level -- right where I would prop my feet while laying on my bed. There is nothing fascinating about this spot. It is painted yellow -- and stands in the midst of my wall-sized painted sunbeam.
This false suggestion of sunshine was an attempt to bring brightness to my world. And I find it appropriately needed as of late.

I have been soul-searching.

As I try and decide whether to keep my current job or to take another one, I find myself in a cyclical state of meta-cognition. The big questions on my mind:
What is my purpose here?
What do I want?
And Heavenly Father, is there something I should be doing right now?

To me, these are big questions that have floated heavily adrift in my head for the better part of three years.
I thought going to grad school would make the questions disappear.
I thought getting a job in network news would make it all go away.

But no.
I'm still with myself and my similar thoughts.

I have come up with many ideas about what I want to do with my life. I realize that most of it is about enjoying what you have and loving the journey. But I also know that I feel very stuck.

There is nothing in particular that my heart desires to do right now.

Except continue looking at that spot on the wall.

I'm not looking for ideas. I have plenty of those. I just haven't come up with anything that makes me excited. None that seem to yield satisfaction that would equal or go beyond the level of investment.

I have plenty of friends who have that one thing that sparks their passion. And they can live the rest of their lives on that fire alone.

But I don't have that. I can't say I necessarily long for that either. I would just like at least a few things to get me started.

I've been asked, "What do you like to do that always makes you happy?"
There's not really anything.

The only thing I've been able to come up with is talking with the people I love most.

But no one gets monetary payment for that.

I haven't tired of the spot on the wall yet.
But I'm tired of feeling as if the clock is ticking and that I'm just watching it. My hours are spent alone with very little to do. My motivation to do "things" just isn't there anymore.

I would like to add wonderful joys to my life. But I suppose the unfortunate fact is that today, that spot on the wall is just more fulfilling.

At the Playground

Last night I was walking with Watson and heard a couple women singing a familiar rhyme to a baby. Do you know this one?

Cinderalla, dressed in yellow
Went upstairs to kiss a fella
Made a mistake and kissed a snake!
How many doctors did it take?

I LOVED jumproping to this song! And, in general, just adored the jump rope, the double dutch, and any and every rope-jumping derivation.

My other loves on the playground:
Monkey bars (I imagined I was the next MaryLou Retton)
Hopscotch

Oh! I miss those days! I wanna double-dutch!
What games did you like to play?

My Voice

For the past year I've been taking voice lessons.
I have taken them for much of the past 20 years of my life, but this past year I have truly found my voice.

I had taken a break from singing for a while. And during that time I let myself develop really bad habits. Mostly, I had found a way to keep my voice trapped inside my throat. I would actually control things too much -- tightening my jaw and my tongue, overthinking my vowels... I had been holding my voice in so much that it was actually hard for other people to hear the powerful beauty I had hiding inside of me!

Really all I needed to do was relax and let it all go. And now, for the first time, I'm able to hear my voice resonate beautifully and without pain or adjustment. It just flies and rings!

At first I was very resistant to my teacher's instruction. Admittedly, I didn't really like the way I sounded. My voice was unrecognizable... and I wasn't used to feeling that way. But now, I realize it was worth risking a change. I actually hear my voice differently!

It has taken me an entire year to undo the damage I've done to myself.


Today at my lesson I will sing a song that I think is appropriate. I wanted to share the words with you.

Anyone Can Whistle
Anyone can whistle.
That's what they say,
"Easy."
Anyone can whistle
any old day.
Easy.
It's all so simple
Relax, let go, let fly.
So someone tell me why can't I?

I can dance a tango,
I can read Greek.
Easy.
I can slay a dragon
any old week.
Easy.
What's hard is simple
What's natural comes hard.

Maybe you could show me
how to let go,
lower my guard,
learn to be free
Maybe you could whistle,
whistle for me.



My dear friends, it has taken me a long time to learn the most simple things in this world. I have easily accomplished what many people call hard:
I have run a marathon.
I have a master's degree from an ivy league school.
I have accomplished my career goal to produce for network television news.

But the hardest thing I've had to gain was not something I had to attain. Rather, it's been something I've had to find within myself.

The hardest thing for me to do, was in essence, the most simple thing of all.

What's hard is simple
What's natural comes hard.

I have finally learned how to have JOY. I have finally learned that my purpose here is indeed very beautiful and simple: to be happy. And I have finally opened my heart to its many possibilities.
Because love, for all of us, is so possible.

I have finally begun allowing myself to learn and embrace the beautiful blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know, without a doubt, that the Lord wants me to be happy. I know, without a doubt, that He has blessings I cannot even imagine waiting for me. And I know, that all I have to do is let His love in and allow it to shine through me.

Other people can finally hear my true voice.

It's all so simple
Relax, let go, let fly.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is not only the biggest blessing in my life; it is my life source. Without it, I would continue controlling everything in my life and letting myself get in the way of my own happiness. I would still be seeking happiness instead of just letting it in.

Obviously I'm still in training. I'm still a work in progress. I don't assume to be perfect or even perfectly happy today. But I'm really enjoying the journey.

This morning I awoke with an even more powerful realization of the love the Lord has to offer me. I continually see His hand in my life and, to be honest, I'm continually amazed to feel that He can love me even more than I'm allowing him to.

I'm in the midst of deciding "what's next" for me. I keep asking, "Lord, what would you have me do?" And I'm excited to know that the opportunities for me are endless.

I am a very blessed person.
I am a very loved person.

And I want you to know that you are too!

Already Feeling Fall...

You guys! I'm so excited! Fall is only about a month away!!!! It's my favorite time of year and I'm already READY!
What are you excited about??

More Pics

Look! I'm getting better at remembering my camera! Now I just need to start downloading my pictures more often...
Here's Bonnie with sunshine and sunflowers. Nicest cat ever. She's been feeling pretty lonely lately. Poor thing!

This is Corey's friend, Chris. The two of them came down to the city a few weeks ago to get some suits. Chris got some for his mission and Corey got a couple because he looked hot in them.

Here are the boys at the airport as Chris heads to the MTC in Provo. He's going to serve a mission in Italy. Chris is a spiritual powerhouse. I'm so glad I met him!

Here we are on the way to the airport. They don't have cell phone/driving rules in New Hampshire yet. Weird. Nonetheless, this pic was taken when I'd pulled over to talk on the phone, so no need to send me emails from Captain Safety.

A couple weeks ago Corey was the DJ for a church dance. It was such fun! He was so great! People actually DANCED! Sad though -- there were requests for Disney music and country... yikes.

Corey's friend JP really wanted to sing Celine Dion for some reason. He's cute but tone deaf. He'll also be heading on a mission soon, so I suppose this means another day of suit shopping in the city. Goodness!

Some Fun in Boston

This is basically to lure jealousy my way.

I hung out with Lumina on Tuesday.
We went on a boat along the Charles River.
And had lots and lots of fun!