There is a particular spot on the wall that's been the source of my attention for the past two days. It's just above eye level -- right where I would prop my feet while laying on my bed. There is nothing fascinating about this spot. It is painted yellow -- and stands in the midst of my wall-sized painted sunbeam.
This false suggestion of sunshine was an attempt to bring brightness to my world. And I find it appropriately needed as of late.
I have been soul-searching.
As I try and decide whether to keep my current job or to take another one, I find myself in a cyclical state of meta-cognition. The big questions on my mind:
What is my purpose here?
What do I want?
And Heavenly Father, is there something I should be doing right now?
To me, these are big questions that have floated heavily adrift in my head for the better part of three years.
I thought going to grad school would make the questions disappear.
I thought getting a job in network news would make it all go away.
But no.
I'm still with myself and my similar thoughts.
I have come up with many ideas about what I want to do with my life. I realize that most of it is about enjoying what you have and loving the journey. But I also know that I feel very stuck.
There is nothing in particular that my heart desires to do right now.
Except continue looking at that spot on the wall.
I'm not looking for ideas. I have plenty of those. I just haven't come up with anything that makes me excited. None that seem to yield satisfaction that would equal or go beyond the level of investment.
I have plenty of friends who have that one thing that sparks their passion. And they can live the rest of their lives on that fire alone.
But I don't have that. I can't say I necessarily long for that either. I would just like at least a few things to get me started.
I've been asked, "What do you like to do that always makes you happy?"
There's not really anything.
The only thing I've been able to come up with is talking with the people I love most.
But no one gets monetary payment for that.
I haven't tired of the spot on the wall yet.
But I'm tired of feeling as if the clock is ticking and that I'm just watching it. My hours are spent alone with very little to do. My motivation to do "things" just isn't there anymore.
I would like to add wonderful joys to my life. But I suppose the unfortunate fact is that today, that spot on the wall is just more fulfilling.