So... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (no surprise there I suppose). And I've also been setting up some new goals for myself. Many of them are fairly abstract but I have a clear vision of the path I need to take.
Everyday I read my friends' blogs. In fact, I kinda read them a lot. I spend my whole day at the computer and my mind functions in such a scattered way that I tend to bounce around from work, to cruising the web, to chatting, to planning my lesson, to work, to working on my grand new project, to paying my bills, to work.
This week's perusal of blogs led me to one from Emily P. and another from Rachel -- both are women who have my highest love and respect. Their ideas are pretty stellar and their writing is great too. Anyway, both women got me thinking a little more about some things that have been simmering in my mind as of late, both speaking of our futures and pasts.
Rachel posed a proper question -- how much of our past should we post?
Here's the response I left:
I choose not to publicize my past. I know I've talked with you a bit about my past choices that have led to current poor thinking about myself, but to be honest, I'm not so sure I really needed to discuss it.
The main reason lies within one word: Atonement.
If I truly believe that the Atonement makes me pure once again - granted, with some scars and struggles intact - then there really isn't much of a reason to discuss things that happened way back when.
Can my past be used as a tool to teach myself and others? OF COURSE! But if my reasoning to discuss things about what I've been through linger much further than that, then I'm only allowing my past life to define both my present and my future.
Personally, I really don't want to burden myself with my past anymore. I would prefer to look toward [the ideal "perfect woman" who doesn't have the same life I've lived].
You're correct.
I can never be that girl.
Nor do I want to be her.
I prefer to be me.
A more elevated me.
Someone who looks at my past with honesty and says, "that was then, this is now." I don't want to give up on my future as a better me.
I want to look at myself as a person without limitation for good and goodness.
I will say... it has taken me many, many, many years to feel this way. Many years! And lots of therapy! :) And lots and lots of personal understanding of how the Atonement really works in my life.
The Lord loves me for me. For the whole kit and kaboodle.
Rehashing my past just doesn't do me any good if it doesn't do me any good. Does that make sense? Plus, airing dirty laundry just seems unnecessary to me -- especially my own. Who's gonna look out for me looking my best and be treated best if I can't even do it for myself? ...
I'm just trying to avoid harping on my past. It just doesn't help me anymore. Plus, it tends to be a sign that I just haven't forgiven myself... and that I actually still look at myself through these broken and discolored lenses.
The Atonement has helped me see things a little more clearly.
Today I'm in a really good place. Yesterday... quite honestly, I was a bit angry and frustrated. I took in those feelings and examined them closely, seeking an honest understanding about why they brewed within me and whether they were ready and willing to leave. I allowed it to be part of the growing process.
I awoke this morning with a seemingly new approach to my life. I can't quite explain it. I woke up early with a bit of a plan for myself. I rushed into work early to get a head start on some ideas. This has been a good approach for me. And a really enlightening day.
I'm also realizing more and more how my life has been tethered to my past a bit more than needed. And although I'm more gentle with myself these days than before, I still have a lot more forgiving to do.
I'm also remembering that forgiving yourself starts with a genuine apology. So I'm making amends and looking toward a more loving future.