My Alter Ego(s)

As a kid, I went by Tammy. In the fifth grade my girlfriends and I experimented with the spelling of our names, and I believe I went by "Tami" for about six months.
All my friends from childhood to high school still call me Tammy. When some of them try to call me "Tamara"... it just sounds weird.

My dad always called me Tam.
Some people called me Tam-Tam, Tammy D, or just "Duricka."

I started going by Tamara in college. I thought it sounded pretty and "mature." I like it.

There was a long period of time when I thought I would never give up my last name when I married. I actually had a bit of a squabble with Corey over the whole name-change thing a few months back.
He asked, "What would your kids call you??!"
"Uh.. MOM?"
Now I've come up with a bit of a compromise... two last names, no hyphen. So I can go by Duricka when I feel like it or SmithAndWessonOrWhatever in the other moments. Or just swipe out my last name altogether. I dunno. I guess we'll see what kind of name I'm offered.

I will say that people in New York still don't know how to pronounce my first name. So I'm still using a tactic that my friend Kiki imposed upon me in Portland. Quite simply, when ordering something at Starbucks, give them a fake name that's easy to pronounce. I think the same should go for those moments when you're being hit on by creepy guys.
I use my middle name, Jane, as the pseudonym.
It was fabulous today when I was in Starbucks, with creepy guy oogling next to me, and the woman at the counter offered me the orange creme frap (turns out, not the greatest). She asked with a big smile, "Are you JANE?"

Am I?

I think we all get to a point where we really begin to identify with our names... when we really begin to own ourselves. For me, I don't really care about my name anymore.
I just care about whether I can identify with my own soul.

JULIET:
'Tis but thy name that is my enemy.
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? It is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face. O, be some other name
Belonging to a man.
What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet.
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name;
And for thy name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself.

Ellie on the One

My favorite time in New York is typically sitting on the subway, watching other people, realizing how weird they are, and then thinking "Heavenly Father loves them just as much as He loves me."

I love people.
I love weirdos.
And I love the sweet small spirits among the rest.

During the middle of the day, the doors of the train open to a stream of strollers heading off... and another mass leading in. They're pushed by nannies who look nothing like the wee ones they nurture.

Today I was in a rush. I sat down and disregarded standard operating procedure. No iPod. No scripture reading. Just watching.
A Hispanic woman was listening to a chatty blonde toddler. The little girl then looked matter-of-factly at the gentlman sitting next to her and asked, "What's your name?"
"John. What's yours?"
"Ellie."

Ellie went on to have a long discussion about who-knows-what and in the midst sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. The woman sitting next to me exchanged a laugh.
"Very personable," I suggested.

It made me wonder.
How do we end up as we do?
Why were we all at one point as fearless as Ellie? And what happened that leaves us now sitting among strangers who could be friends?
How odd would it be had I been the one to ask John his name? Would he have responded as kindly as he did to Ellie? And why is it that we ignore the homeless who sing on the train but enjoy the sounds of a little girl getting the words wrong?
Why are we so comfortable in our solitude?

I imagine Heaven will be a little different.

Thank Goodness

Re-centering
Forgiving myself for allowing so little love in my life
Making room for more
Creating necessary boundaries
Using the Atonement

Relaxing
Breathing
Feeling grace

Sunshine returns to my heart
Smiles return to my face
Songs once again touch my soul

I'm better for it

Finally becoming the peaceful spirit I truly am
Remembering sacred gratitude always
Awakened to my purpose
Realizing my worth
Embracing love and goodness
Looking forward to the life I'm intended to live!

Sweet Irony

SO.

I just found out that the job I've been training/filling in for will open up just as I plan to leave.

I think that's funny.
In a non-funny kinda way.

Don't take that the wrong way. I really don't want the job. I'm tired of being here. I said I'd give this job six months to a year and that's what I'll have done.



Last year I announced that the last ten years of my life had been about getting hurt in love and that these next ten would be about letting love in. I think I'm off to a good start.

So now... I've realized that the last 30 years have been about beating myself up.
I'm done with that. I've hurt myself and the people who mean most to me along the way. I'm just lucky that I have loved forgiving people.

My next 30 years will be about adding flavor to my life. I don't care if I have a huge career anymore - I've done that. Right now I just want to do whatever the Lord has in store for me.
I want to live my life in technicolor.

I have no idea what's next for me, but I think it will be good. I'm always up for an adventure like this I guess.
When I moved to Salt Lake, I had a job but no home.
When I moved to Portland, I had a home but no job.
Now... I kinda' don't have either - or even a destination - but I think it'll work.
Somehow.

Moving On Up... to the West Side

These past two years in New York have been a very, very big learning experience. The first year I spent in grad school. It tore down my brain and built it back up. The second I spent at GMA and in a long-distance relationship. It tore down my heart and built it back up.
Let's see... brain, heart... I guess what that leaves now for me is courage.

So now... I'm on my way out. In about a month or so, I'll pack up the car again and head due west. For now, I'm not so sure what the final gameplan is. I plan to improvise.

I will likely make a stop in Salt Lake for a few days. Then I'll hang out in Portland for a couple weeks. And will then head to L.A. to see if I want to stay there. I really have no idea what I'm going to do. But that's okay. For now I just really feel good about leaving New York. It's been an interesting love affair here. Some days I really liked it here. Other days I just wanted to do anything but go outside.

I've realized that I am destined for the suburbs.

Last week I sat outside in Cathy's backyard back home in northern Virginia. I longed for that peace and beauty! New York has a lot to offer, but it's just not my thing. Maybe five years ago I would have been more into it. Not so sure.
I have a feeling the city will be sad to see me go. At least my neighbors will...

Rock Bottom

The incredible thing about feeling your worst is that you realize in those pitiful moments that there will soon be nowhere to go but up.

It's then, through the climbing process, that we get to recreate our intentions, our actions, our desires. Is what we wanted still the same? Would we go about things the same way? What is it that makes us different having gone through the Refiner's fire?

As I now scrape the walls, pulling myself up to a new unknown version of today, I unearth new meaning and new purpose in my life. The dirt under my fingernails reveals old fears, finally being scraped away.

Soon I will stand at the top. Looking below me at where I've been, the foundation I've set. And I will be even closer to God and his purpose.


Release.
Breathe new breath.

Finally letting go.

Czech Please

So... it's been a year since my trip to the Czech Republic, Slovakia, and London... but I never posted the pics.
Ruthie, please forgive me. Here's some eye candy for ya.


I thought this was fantastic advertising. "Probably" the best... but we're not so sure...






Ah... crazy beautiful. I'd just spent months studying art, music, theatre, photography, graffiti, dance, spoken word, architecture... and among the many mysteries was Frank Gehry, a modern legend. These buildings are referred to as "Fred and Ginger." Apparently the locals thought this building was atrocious and wondered, "What the heck is that?" They decided it looked like two people dancing.
I decided it just looks cool.


Overlooking the mote from the castle in Cesky Krumlov.


Their history might very well be cooler than ours. Not sure...


Medusa...

Medusa's friend


Off to London with mom

It's Never Too Late

My grandfather is 99. He hits the century mark in November.

This year has been a big one for him.

In February, he and my step-grandmother moved from L.A. to Minneapolis to be closer to her family. It was the first time Grandpa had left California in 70 years!
I think the move somehow gave him a little strength in his character... certainly a side I hadn't seen in him in a long, long time.

This week, for the second time in his 99th year, Grandpa is moving across the country. He's headed to Oregon to be near our family... leaving his wife to be alongside hers.

It's quite the change for anyone -- but certainly for a man nearing his 100th year.

So it makes me think about the many things I still want to do with my life... and about how I actually have a lot of time.
And it makes me want to dream even bigger than I have before, love more, and believe in more. We're not done yet... Eternity is just beginning.

This life is my story. So I'm going to do all I can to make it one worth telling.


Maybe I will wait to have children in my 80s...
Then they can change MY diapers!

Amazing Grace

My angels are here upon this Earth... Disguised as family, friends, sweet puppies and kitties, strangers who pray for me, and new smiling faces.

Every day, I am more amazed at the blessings bestowed upon me. Many of those appear through painful moments that somehow remind me of the Lord's love for me.

I am back in my hometown with my very first friend, Cathy. She made me a chocolate cake, took the day off work, and bought some new movies for us to watch.
I have no idea how she ever remained friends with me. Many of the stories from our childhood reveal how I wanted to fit in with my classmates and excluded her from the group. We competed in everything. Shared everything. And were closer than I could imagine any sister would have been.

I asked her today, "How in the world are you still friends with me?"
She stated simply, "There is too much invested."


Tonight, Watson howled with anger at the neighbor's angry pitbull. I walked out in frustration to lure him inside and somehow tripped on the brick patio. I thought I was okay at first but then noticed I actually had an awfully huge gash on my big toe. I walked inside and announced that I was bleeding rather badly.
Her fiance rushed to me with a tissue and applied pressure to the wound. Cathy grabbed peroxide. The two carefully placed my toe inside a bowl while Cathy poured the bottle of peroxide and cleaned the cut, scraping out pieces of dirt.

It proved to be a physical reminder of something I'd once again been realizing in the past few days:
I have a high tolerance for pain.

I looked at my two friends mending my wounds... and was humbled by the great love they have for me. I thought how I could do it myself, but I am so grateful for the care I have been shown... For their help in a time of need, when I could have easily drowned in lonely sorrow alone.


Jesus knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God; He riseth from supper, and laid aside his garments; and took a towel, and girded himself. After that he poureth water into a bason, and began to wash the disciples’ feet...
John 13:3-5

A Paradigm Shift

I'm beginning to invest in some friendships out here. And I think I'm allowing myself to enjoy life more -- in general and in New York. I'm also making some decisions that are leading me into a transitional stage... mostly in regards to my career.

Something I've realized lately... I have a lot to offer. Plus, I also think that I can do a variety of things. And I think I'm finally starting to realize that I don't need one 40 hour/week job to justify whether I'm a good employee or on the right track for my career. So one of my big ideas lately is to keep working part-time and to add a few new elements into my life... such as being an extra in movies, helping young journalists through teaching, and volunteering a bit.
These are just ideas so far. But this is kinda a whole new approach to look at life for me -- a paradigm shift. And I'm enjoying the opportunities.